You’ve just met someone amazing.
The connection is electric, the dates are great, and your mind is already buzzing with possibilities.
But right at this “most dangerous point” in dating, relationship expert Matthew Hussey says most people make a single, fundamental mistake that sabotages the entire relationship before it even starts.
This mindset pushes away healthy partners and attracts toxic ones.
The problem isn’t your personality or your looks – it’s your mindset.
According to Matthew Hussey, author and relationship coach, the core error is “putting yourself in the position of needing that person.”
This immediate shift transforms you from a valuable individual into someone desperate to “win a prize,” instantly draining your power and the very ‘magic’ that makes you attractive.
Instead of focusing on what you need from them, focus on the value you bring to the table and assess whether they are matching that value.
Your goal isn’t to chase; your goal is to be secure and magnetic.
By controlling your actions, maintaining your own life, and prioritizing their consistent effort over your feelings of excitement, you conserve your energy for those who are ready to meet you with equal intention, paving the way for a truly vital and loving relationship.
The Danger Zone: Shifting From Value to Need
The moment you decide you like someone, your brain can trick you into thinking they are “the prize.”
Matthew Hussey identifies this as the root of all self-sabotage in dating.
When you operate from a place of lack or necessity, you lose your natural appeal. No one wants to “hire” neediness in a partner.
- The Power Loss: You give away your personal power by focusing all your energy on getting their approval.
- The Rush to Judgment: Being “in a hurry” in your love life prevents you from having the necessary sobriety to evaluate the person accurately. You become susceptible to manipulation simply because you’re moving too fast to see red flags.
- Focus on Fit, Not Approval: A healthier approach focuses on “value fit” – finding someone who specifically seeks the value you inherently possess—instead of trying to morph yourself into what you think they want.
Over-Giving: The Disguise of Insecurity
The need to “win the prize” often translates into over-investment, or “over-giving,” which looks like generosity but is really driven by a feeling of insufficiency.
Matthew Hussey explains:
Over-giving stems from the feeling that your inherent self is “not enough.” So, you try to bridge that perceived gap by performing excessive acts of thoughtfulness or attention.
Why Over-Giving is Toxic
- It Smells of Insecurity: While these acts may look like simple romance, when done too early, they begin to “smell of something else” – insecurity and desperation.
- It Drives Away the Best: This intense pressure and love bombing often drives away healthy, secure individuals who don’t want that level of responsibility and expectation so early on.
- It Attracts the Worst: Conversely, an over-giver becomes a “lighthouse for toxic ships.” Manipulators are drawn to people willing to put in extreme effort and accept poor treatment to keep them around.
The Deep Psychology of the Rush: Why You Over-Invest Too Soon
The drive to over-invest quickly is rarely rational; it’s fueled by intense chemical reactions and deep-seated fears.
The “spark” or immediate, intense chemistry so highly prioritized in modern dating is often a psychological trap.
As experts note, this feeling is frequently lust (chemical and primitive) rather than love (a choice and a practice).
- The Addiction Dynamic: When infatuated, your brain treats the attachment like an addiction to a powerful substance. This creates an overwhelming urge to secure the person, leading to desperate and obsessive behavior the moment the connection feels threatened.
- The Escape Fix: We chase the “aliveness” of a new connection because it temporarily makes us forget our daily problems or boredom. This chemical “fix” overrides the necessary discernment needed to evaluate long-term compatibility. Chasing the spark often leads to relationships that “burn out quickly.”
The Checklist Mentality: Rushing Love and Killing Mystery
Another major mistake, according to the insights of psychotherapist Esther Perel, is trying to control the uncontrollable elements of human connection through a transactional, checklist-driven approach.
The Problem of “Derisking”
Modern dating, especially with apps, often feels like a job interview, where you run a mental checklist to see if the person satisfies all your requirements.
- The Paradox of Choice: This mentality is driven by the vast number of options, leading to the search for an impossible standard of perfection.
- Stifling Desire: Perel emphasizes that essential relational qualities like discovery, surprise, and spontaneity inherently involve risk. When you try to neutralize insecurity by checking all the boxes, you inadvertently kill the very elements (curiosity, mystery, anticipation) that fuel desire and connection.
- Sacrificing the Good for the Perfect: People often become “no longer happy with the good.” They might meet someone kind and safe but feel like they are “settling” because the person lacks the intense, instant passion they associate with a movie-like love story.
✅ Expert Next Steps: Shifting to a Secure Mindset
You cannot stop yourself from liking someone, but you can change your actions. Here are the actionable steps from Matthew Hussey and Esther Perel to shift from a needy mindset to a secure, attractive one.
1. Measure Your Actions, Not Your Feelings
While your emotional excitement will be high, you must control your actions in the early stages.
Do not allow intense feelings to dictate decisions that create early bonding (like quick trips or seeing them daily) before consistency has been established.
2. Maintain Your Anchor
Keep your feet on the ground and remain connected to your own life—friendships, career, hobbies.
This ensures that the person’s absence does not create a “great big void” in your life. You are the anchor; you are sturdy and secure in yourself.
3. Prioritize Reality Over Chemistry
Stop letting “how much I like someone” be the ultimate judge of the relationship’s progress.
Instead, evaluate “how they are actually showing up in my life.”
Authentic relationships require commitment and compatibility, which should be valued far above mere mutual attraction—which can often feel like a cheap “chemical high.”
Remember that character reveals itself slowly over time.
Look for intentionality; consistency and progression are far more important indicators than intense chemistry.
If someone is inconsistent, that lack of progress is crucial data.
4. Model Security
The ultimate incentive is this: by over-giving and chasing intensity, you are acting as a signal for toxic people.
Instead, try to model a secure attachment by responding in ways that reflect self-respect.
If they show low interest or inconsistency, they automatically become “a lot less interesting” to you, and you redirect your attention elsewhere.
5. Set Standards and Boundaries
When you set boundaries, you get to see who the other person really is based on their response.
If you are unwilling to have difficult conversations, you are sacrificing the foundation necessary for a healthy, long-term relationship.
Be willing to communicate what you need and stand by your standards.
