“There’s not enough time….” “We don’t have enough connection.…” “We don’t feel enough attraction anymore.…”
These are the phrases I hear all the time and, truth be told, say from time to time. Under the pressure of competing demands, couples everywhere are feeling the squeeze. When we’re under a lot of stress, our brains do something fascinating and often harmful to our relationships: They shift into scarcity mode.
Often, people think of a scarcity mindset only as something related to our finances and resources: We don’t have enough money, food, or time. But scarcity mindset, or the general belief that there isn’t enough, impacts people in every area: their skills, their worth, their general capacity in life. And in my work as a relationship therapist and coach, I see it impacting our relationships.
The Neuroscience of “Not Enough”
Recent research on scarcity mindset reveals that when we believe we don’t have enough of what we need (money, time, energy), our brains undergo significant changes.
We experience what researchers call “attentional tunneling,” where we become hyper-focused on what’s missing, often to the exclusion of everything else. Simultaneously, the cognitive load created by scarcity-induced worry impairs our working memory and cognitive flexibility.
When you’re stressed and overwhelmed, your brain literally narrows its focus, and you stop seeing the full picture. In a relationship, this can mean you miss the small moments of connection with your partner and overlook what is working in your relationship because you’re fixated on what isn’t.
This isn’t a character flaw; it’s actual biology. Understanding this phenomenon gives us the power to change it.
How Scarcity Infiltrates Relationships
This scarcity mindset doesn’t just affect our bank accounts or calendars. It seeps into our most intimate relationships in insidious ways:
“We don’t have enough time together.” When both are working longer hours, managing holiday stress, and shuttling kids to year-end activities, the focus becomes the absence of time rather than the quality of the moments shared.
“There’s not enough energy left for us.” After dealing with uncertainty at work, political stress, and daily demands, couples collapse on opposite ends of the couch, too depleted to connect. The relationship gets whatever’s left over, which feels like nothing.
“The attraction isn’t there anymore.” When in survival mode, the nervous system prioritizes threat detection over pleasure and connection, and intimacy becomes another item on a to-do list rather than a source of renewal.
“We’re not connecting like we used to.” Scarcity triggers the mental shortcuts that help us cope, but leads us away from nuanced, present-moment connection. We react from old patterns instead of responding to what’s happening in the moment.
The Fire It Up Reset: From Scarcity to Sufficiency
The antidote to a scarcity mindset isn’t pretending everything is fine. It’s consciously resetting your attention to recognize what you do have and your shared goals and building from there.
Foundation: Reconnect to Your “Why”
When scarcity takes over, we often forget why we’re in the relationship in the first place. Taking a moment to remember what drew you together can help you reset. What do you value about your partner? What are you building together that matters more than the current stress?
Try this: Each morning this week, before the chaos begins, complete this sentence: “One thing I appreciate about our relationship is…” Let them know why being together is important to you, or share a goal you are excited about together.
Oxygen: Create Space to Breathe
A scarcity mindset can feel like there’s no room for anything. But even in the most difficult circumstances, you can create small pockets of breathing room. This isn’t about adding more to your plate. It’s about protecting what matters most.
Relationships Essential Reads
Try this: Identify one non-essential obligation you can release this month. Use that reclaimed time for a 20-minute walk together, a shared cup of coffee without phones, or simply sitting side by side. Or take 10 seconds each day to send an encouraging or grateful message to your partner.
Fuel: Nourish What’s Working
Your brain’s negativity bias, amplified by a scarcity mindset, makes you lightning-fast at spotting problems. Deliberately shift your attention to what’s working. What small acts of care is your partner still offering? Where is there still warmth, humor, or tenderness?
Try this: For one week, notice and name one thing each day that your partner did that made your day even slightly better. Tell them specifically what it was and why it mattered.
Ignition: Reclaim Pleasure and Play
When you’re in scarcity mode, pleasure feels frivolous. But joy isn’t a luxury. It’s a necessity for nervous system regulation and relationship resilience. Even micro-moments of playfulness or sensory pleasure can begin to shift your brain out of threat mode.
Try this: Share one thing that brought you pleasure today, no matter how small: the taste of your coffee, a funny meme, the way the light looked. Invite your partner to do the same. Invite your partner to share theirs.
The Truth About “Enough”
The research is clear: scarcity mindset affects our cognition, our emotions, and our social behaviors in complex ways. But it doesn’t have to determine the fate of our relationships.
Yes, these are genuinely difficult times: The pressures are real; the stress is legitimate. Your nervous system’s response to scarcity is completely understandable and deserves care and attention.
But here’s what I know after three decades of this work: The relationship you’re longing for doesn’t require you to have more time, more energy, or fewer stressors. It requires you to shift where you place your attention.
This shift in attention is not an attempt at toxic positivity or denial but an intentional choice to recognize that even in the scarcity of time or resources, there is still a connection to be found, nurtured, and celebrated.
Your relationship, even in this challenging season, has more resources than your scarcity-focused brain is currently letting you see.
The question isn’t whether you have enough; it is whether you’re willing to reset your attention to recognize what’s already there.
