When we hear the word self-centred, it usually lands as an insult. In Western culture, being called self-centred suggests you’re self-absorbed, selfish, egotistical, and unconcerned with others.
From a young age, many of us are taught to put other people’s needs ahead of our own. Especially for women and caregivers, there’s a cultural script that makes self-sacrifice almost heroic while making self-care seem indulgent. It’s as though putting ourselves first is an act of betrayal to others.
While society often pushes this idea that we should be selfless, what if being self-centred—centred in self—is actually one of the most generous things we can do for ourselves and others?
When we think about it from this perspective, being centred in self doesn’t mean being selfish. It’s about strengthening our foundation so we can stay grounded and in alignment with what matters most. It’s also a way to connect with our inner knowing. When we are this kind of centred, it means making sure we are attentive to our own needs, wants, and feelings, and giving ourselves permission to do what helps us feel steady so we can show up with greater capacity for others.
How Being Centred in Self Helps You Show Up Better for Others
When we have been meeting everyone else’s needs and pouring into everyone else for so long, it can feel unfamiliar and even selfish to put ourselves at the centre and open ourselves up to receive, to rest, to recover, to take care of ourselves, or even to turn inward.
There’s beauty in giving to others. Generosity and service are key components of happiness and meaning. Yet sometimes, we neglect our own well-being and needs along the way, and that doesn’t serve anyone. There can be real costs to this, including burnout, resentment, and disconnection from who we are at our core.
When we’re depleted or disconnected, it’s hard to be the parent, partner, colleague, leader, or friend we want to be. Investing in our own well-being, physically, emotionally, and mentally, isn’t indulgent; it’s self-stewardship. By putting ourselves at the centre, we build the energy, clarity, and presence needed to care for what matters most. When we are well-resourced and steady in ourselves, we can show up with greater compassion, effectiveness, and love.
So the question becomes: When do we turn our hearts inward and shine a light back on ourselves?
Rebuilding Your Relationship With Yourself
Here are a few gentle starting points for how we can shift from always putting others first to prioritizing healthy self-centring:
- Pay yourself first – Before opening up to the demands of the world and pouring into others, tend to your own head, heart, and body. This could be a morning walk, journaling, practicing gratitude, listening to a podcast, savouring a cup of coffee, or even five minutes of stillness. Build systems and practices that help you feel grounded and well-resourced for the day ahead.
- Schedule “me time” – Rest and time for self-care aren’t rewards. If we keep waiting until every task on our to-do list is complete, we’ll never make time for ourselves at all. Schedule time for recovery and being in company with yourself. Protect this time by blocking it in your calendar like you would for any important meeting.
- Create mindful checkpoints – Pause throughout the day and ask, “How am I feeling?” and “What do I need right now?” Honouring your feelings and needs, even in small ways, strengthens inner trust and steadiness.
- Clarify who you are and who you are not – Take time to turn inward and connect with yourself. When you gain clarity about your values and what you stand for, and let your daily actions reflect that, you live in integrity. This alignment makes it easier to show up authentically in every role you hold and to make what matters most, matter most.
A Practice to Try: What Do You Want?
The reality is that so many of us live such full lives where we are pulled in countless directions by competing priorities, roles, and demands. It can feel difficult to slow down and make space for our needs and what we deeply value without feeling guilty about it.
As our responsibilities evolve, it’s easy to drift away from ourselves and become distanced from what we really want and what matters most.
Here’s a small but powerful practice I invite you to try:
Grab a piece of paper and a pen, and ask yourself, “What is it that I want?”
This is the time to just free-flow write. There’s no need to judge or edit what comes up.
We’re conditioned to minimize our wants or dismiss them as selfish, which can make this question feel uncomfortable at first. There’s so much that often gets drowned out by obligations, shoulds, and expectations, but tuning in to your wants is an important step for reconnecting with yourself.
Take a look at your list. Notice: Are your wants about others? Are they about the absence of something? Are they about the presence of something?
Your wants can point you in the direction of the feelings you’re craving. Perhaps it’s more calm, more connection, more peace, more energy, more joy. By naming them, you give yourself permission to pursue them. For more ways to bring this into action, I invite you to read this previous post.
Final Thoughts
Self-centring doesn’t mean being absorbed in yourself. It means honouring your needs, your feelings, and your worth so you can show up in the best way for yourself and for others.
My final gentle reminder: You’re not needy; you have needs. You’re not selfish for honouring your needs; you’re human. And when you live this way, you invite others to do the same.
When we let go of guilt and outdated narratives that say we can only turn inward and tend to our own needs after everyone and everything else is taken care of, we discover that being self-centred (read: centred in yourself) can be one of the most generous things we can do.
