We know that affirming our worth and value is important for our emotional, physical, and even spiritual well-being. But how do we actually do this?
When we feel uncertain about our worth, we may turn inward, becoming uncomfortably self-preoccupied. Yet what if the path to feeling better about ourselves involves turning outward? We often think self-worth is a function of how we see and hold ourselves. But it can also grow from how we extend ourselves to others.
Self-worth can feel elusive, something we have to chase after or try to convince ourselves of. But there’s a quieter path that may help it grow more naturally.
For some fortunate people, the recognition that “I’m OK just as I am” reflects an affirmation of one’s worth apart from any achievements or the need to prove anything. Moments of such recognition can be exhilarating, but the tricky part is that they’re often fleeting—or limited to our head rather than being embodied.
Giving and Generosity
Self-preservation is a natural instinct, so it’s understandable that we’re wired to look out for our own interests. We’re often driven by a conscious or only partly conscious desire for:
- Recognition
- Appreciation
- Validation
- Pleasure
- Being Seen and Heard
- Being Liked
These desires are not bad things—they’re a part of our human makeup. Our challenge is to acknowledge our needs and wants while opening the aperture to what others need to be happy. If we can practice holding both—toggling between acknowledging our own needs and seeing others as separate people who have similar desires—we take a step, or perhaps leap, beyond ourselves into a realm of connectedness that not only nurtures others, but helps us feel more connected to ourselves.
Seeing the other as other is an ultimate triumph of love. We recognize others’ existence apart from our own. They too want to feel recognized, appreciated, validated. They want their feelings and needs to be heard, just as we do. They also want to be happy. As we recognize our shared humanity, something softens inside us.
Extending Kindness
What we may not recognize is that it can feel good to offer others what we ourselves want. Extending kindness and care, listening with an open mind and heart, seeing what others need to be happy, and offering that (if we can) allows us to experience a boost to our own self-worth.
Research suggests that giving to others can actually increase our own well-being. In a widely cited study, researchers found that people who spent money on others reported greater happiness than those who spent it on themselves. What seems to matter most is the sense that we’ve made a positive difference in someone’s life. Acts of generosity and empathy can quietly reinforce our sense of worth while fostering meaningful connections with others.
We have the power to affect someone in a positive way—brightening their day. When we feel settled within ourselves, we’re resourced in a way that allows us to extend a natural empathy to others, which connects us so we don’t feel so alone. Even when we’re not feeling settled inside, we may find a measure of inner satisfaction in extending a kind word, greeting someone with a smile, or doing something that supports their well-being.
Performing acts of kindness and extending caring empathy may offer surprising rewards. As the Dalai Lama reminds us: “If you want others to be happy, practice compassion. If you want to be happy, practice compassion.”
In offering something of ourselves—our caring, our kindness, our presence—we may discover a deeper sense of worth, one that grows through connection rather than self-preoccupation. We may discover a worth that was there all along, just needing the right kind of relational environment to come more fully alive.
© John Amodeo
