We’re not talking about encountering a mugger in an alley or a drunk in a bar looking for a fight. For most of us, feelings of intimidation arise in more mundane situations: the upcoming meeting with the CEO or a new client; meeting your soon-to-be in-laws at their home; the big job interview, or even the big first date with someone outside your comfort zone.
In these situations, intimidation can mean feeling nervous, feeling like you’re at a disadvantage because of age or experience, or simply feeling pressure to make a good impression. What should you do? How should you handle it? Here are several suggestions to help you through.
Prepare
Preparation varies depending on the situation. For the meeting with the CEO, do your research, learn about his company, and prepare a list of questions. For the in-laws, research their likes and dislikes and their personalities. For an interview, prepare questions about the job, but also any anecdotes they may appreciate that underscore your skills and talents. For a first date, know what’s at the top of your list that you’re looking for, what your expectations are, and what you need to know most.
Dress for success
This is about making yourself comfortable, presenting yourself in a way that accurately represents you, and meeting the other’s expectations to a certain degree. Dress in the power suit for the CEO, not only to show you are competent or more experienced than your years, but also because it is what they expect. For the interview, match the work culture, or perhaps dress up a bit more than necessary. For the in-laws, wear your favorite outfit because it helps you feel more in charge.
When in doubt, go offense
People who have questions ready in a new social situation tend to feel less anxious; the same applies here. If you don’t know what to do, asking questions and shifting the conversation to the other person not only gives you important information but also helps reduce your anxiety by letting you control the conversation. So, you can ask the CEO about their goals or experience; you can ask the interviewer about benefits or salary ranges; you can ask your in-laws about their best vacation experience.
But don’t forget to talk about yourself
The ultimate aim is to have a relaxed, human-to-human conversation. Part of that is showing yourself as yourself, which means self-disclosure. With the CEO, it may be minimal—a one-liner piggybacking on their comment about starting out. For the job interview, it may be about what you really liked about your past supervisor. For the in-laws, it may be about your best vacation. For the first date, it may obviously be much more.
Decide on your ultimate goal
Consider the impression you want to make and the takeaway you ideally want them to leave the meeting with: that you and your company are professional and competent in serving their goals; that you are a flexible person with the experience to do what the job requires; that you are really, really in love with their son or daughter; that you are clear about what you’re looking for when dating, or that you’re someone who values excitement or routine.
Knowing what takeaway you hope to create can help you shape the conversation. It helps you know to skip any negative mentions of hard times at the company, past partners, or your traumatic childhood stories.
If possible, have a wing man to support you
Maybe it’s helpful to have your supervisor sit in on the CEO conversation to answer detailed questions about the company’s financial procedures, or have your partner sit next to you in case you feel flustered with the in-laws and need a bailout.
Do your best but then circle back and mop up
Follow up, not only in the traditional way—sending an email or a text thanking others for meeting with you—but also mop up any real concerns: that you didn’t know some important info the CEO asked about, and that you are researching it and will get back to them; that you realize you perhaps dominated the conversation with the in-laws or the date, or that you forgot to ask about the salary range for the position.
Reflect on you
Give yourself a few days to settle, but then reflect on your performance and presentation. Is there anything you would do differently if you did it over? Are there triggers that prompt you to overreact? Are there skills you need to develop to create the impression you hoped to create?
This is like next-day quarterbacking; assess, when calm and rational, any lessons learned about you, how your anxiety affects you, and what you need to be careful to do or not do in future situations.
New situations are always opportunities to learn new skills and to learn about yourself. Fortunately, life is about learning, and learning is a process of elimination—making mistakes and learning from them.
What do you need most to learn?
