“No”—it’s just a two-letter word, right? Yet, each week, parents who see me for parent coaching sessions lament how the word “no” is loaded with guilt and pain as they see their adult children struggle. Let’s be clear: I’m very much OK with parents who provide emotional and financial support for their adult children. But my ongoing caution is to first ask yourself whether your help truly helps them, or makes them feel dependent, or leads them to feel entitled rather than appreciative.
A recent post of mine, “Enough Already! Stop Trying to Prove You Were a Good Parent,” is about parents internally feeling they need to continuously prove they are a good parent to their struggling adult child. In this post, I want to share what to say when you say no, and your adult child responds with manipulative, guilt-injecting responses that may make you cave in. By cave in, I mean changing your no to yes while inwardly knowing that you are just creating more unhealthy dependency. Please hear that, as parents, we face very complex dynamics of love, caring, anxiety, a desire to set boundaries, and a pull to take those boundaries based on what our adult children say to us.
Hopefully you agree that preparing specific responses in advance, rather than improvising in the moment, makes an enormous difference in how a backlash conversation goes. Below are four common reactions, along with a calm, firm, noncontrolling response to each, based on my book, You Ruined My Life—Now You Owe Me! How to Stop Rescuing, Reduce Conflict, and Help Your Adult Child Move Forward.
How to Not Let These 4 Adult Child Comebacks Set You Back
- “You don’t love me.” Your 29-year-old son sends you a crisis-laden text about needing money for “an amazing investment opportunity.” You explain that you have already provided them with money for their car repairs, and you hear back: “You say you love me, but obviously you don’t because if you did, you would help me.” Try saying back: “I love you completely. This isn’t about love. It’s about what I think will actually help you in both the short-term and long-term.”
- “You have the money, so why won’t you help?” You and your spouse are finally getting away, and you’re on a lovely cruise. Your 32-year-old daughter texts you: “You and mom can go on that expensive cruise vacation while I can barely make ends meet working a crappy, soul-sucking job.” Try saying back, “What is in our bank accounts and our comfort zones for providing money to you are not related. We are happy to have a calm, constructive conversation about other ways we can support you while you take steps to improve your job situation.”
- “Don’t expect to see me for a while.” Ah, talk about a gut punch from your adult child! This line sends many parents into a tailspin. Try saying back: “I’ll miss you, and I understand you need some space. I still love you, and my answer hasn’t changed.”
- “Everyone else’s parents help them out.” Yep, that good ole, shaming-by-comparing-you-to-others maneuver can really knock you off balance if you let it. Try saying back: “I can’t speak for other families. I’m making this decision based on what I think is right for ours.”
The Takeaway
Notice what each response has in common: It doesn’t argue the underlying point at length, it doesn’t escalate, and it doesn’t reverse the decision. It simply restates your love and restates the boundary, calmly, and as many times as the conversation requires.
