We’ve all heard the expression, “If you’re going through hell, keep going.” On the one hand, this phrase brilliantly encourages us to evolve through discomfort; to keep pushing through so we can come out stronger on the other side. From this perspective, we cannot grow if we don’t push ourselves out of our comfort zones and feel uncomfortable at times, mentally or physically.
On the other hand, this phrase can become an excuse to stay in a situation when conditions are poor. While we know pain equals gain at the gym, that is not always true in relationships, careers, friendships, finances, or other life circumstances. Discomfort doesn’t always lead to evolution. Sometimes it’s just needless suffering: pain that will not likely enlighten us just from the continued experience of it. Walking away from things, people, and places that could harm you or have harmed you doesn’t make you a coward; it makes you the bravest version of yourself yet.
The Sunk Cost Fallacy
Letting go is not giving up. While these two experiences may have the same outcome, be it releasing a relationship, career, material possession, or otherwise, they have entirely different intentions.
Imagine still driving a broken-down car; the parts are rusted, the engine barely starts, the brakes are shot. You’ve put a lot of money and time into this vehicle, and while letting it go may even feel emotional, no one would judge you for it. In fact, you’ll be safer and go further in a different model. Giving up, in contrast, might look like trading in the car after you spill coffee on your seat.
When “going through hell” means ignoring safety risks and crossing your fingers, it might hurt you, or someone else. Likewise, choosing to stay in unhealthy life circumstances, which can range from irritating to life-threatening, will not help you evolve.
Suffering in what’s familiar but unhealthy and calling it perseverance is an earnest but misguided perspective. One of the most difficult truths, here, is that all the time, money, and love we put into something or someone does not justify us holding on to it. The sunk cost fallacy does not deserve to run your life.
Letting Go of Justification
The strength you muster in your life will not come from the intensity of pain, but from your willpower to liberate yourself from it. Consider a time when you had no choice but to stay on your path, when circumstances were beyond your control. Here, resilience meant adapting to adversity and learning how to live in “hell.” Under these circumstances, you may have taken on a common adaptation to adversity, such as dissociation, people-pleasing, denial, self-blame, or toxic positivity.
Whether you’ve been used to denying the harsh realities of your life or blaming yourself for them, those adaptations can get in the way in situations where we do have a say. It is extremely important to acknowledge how adapting to adversity this way helped you at some point; maybe it even saved your life. Equally important is learning to trust that you, as an autonomous adult, have the power to save yourself now.
Releasing false justifications that once protected you from these harsh realities might be the kindest thing you ever do for yourself. This may feel uncomfortable, but it’s the sort of pain that leads to liberation, not stagnation.
Growth by Liberation
Though hardship can foster perseverance, you don’t deserve to live your whole life in survival mode. When we can change course, true resilience looks like accepting the reality of the painful situation we’re in so we can confidently step out of it.
Once we genuinely trust that we’re safe to do so, and that staying stuck is far scarier than changing course, resilience grows stronger with each step we take off the path that led us here. Then, we just might discover that bravely choosing a different path out of “hell” is the true roadmap to growth.
