Coming Out of the Shadows of Our Worst Mistakes

Big mistakes we make

Source: “Stansilava/Adobe Stock Photos,” “Woman’s hand holding a large eraser /Licensed for use”.

The mistakes we make in life could be said to be a big part of what makes us human and complex. In part 1 of this 2 part series on dealing with mistakes, we established the pivotal aspects of regret and shame as strongly galvanized emotional artifacts resulting from mistakes and failures. Mistakes sometimes lead to a form of personal mental transgress, like shards of glass floating about, causing further mental damage. Such psycho-punitive reactions can play out in unhealthy ways and are sometimes implicated in harsher psychological disorders where even a single experience of a mistake can heighten anxiety and depression (Johnson et al., 2017).

The dragon’s tail of a mistake can whip back on us with feelings of shame, anxiety and guilt. However, such distresses from mistakes do not have to lead to such harsh effects. In fact, mistakes are sometimes essential for our own learning and development to take place as a species, and hopefully and dutifully, we progress from those mistakes.

On this matter, I had the opportunity to interview noted Psychologist, Sarah DiPerna, who runs the Soul Alignment Center in Florida. Dr. DiPerna’s work in the area of psychological healing from soul wounding was a good match for this inquiry. Below is the transcript of that interview for readers here.

Interview With Sarah DiPerna, Psy.D.

Rodney Luster: We all make mistakes, some small, some large, but what are your thoughts on those that seem to continually haunt us?

Dr. Diperna: When a mistake has left us in a state of regret, or haunted by the harsh consequences of an error we have made, the on-going suffering that results can be excruciating. We can become consumed by shame, which goes beyond the mistake itself, and takes up residence within us as a belief about the person that we are.

“Shame” of course, is a heavy burden to bear. It runs deep, and is often complex. While it may be activated by a specific mistake, it often surfaces as an underlying belief within us, seeded long before that mistake in our personal history; a belief perhaps that we are flawed, not enough, or bad. The suffering we encounter becomes bigger than any mistake we have made. This suffering is so uncomfortable, we naturally want to hide from it. We do not want to admit to ourselves how terrible we consider ourselves to be, and we do not want others to discover that either.

These of course are erroneous beliefs that need to be healed. In the meantime, while this strategy of hiding may be effective in the short term, and enables us to endure what feels intolerable, in the long term, the suffering persists. It leads to unresolved pain and a reactivation of our feelings every time we are reminded of the mistake we have made.

RL: What are our choices moving forward?

Dr. Diperna: Challenge and discomfort, as mistakes are an inevitable part of life. There is no life that escapes these experiences. Our choice is either to feel that we are victims of life, or to recognize life and all the discomfort that is a part of it as an opportunity to grow. Recognizing our choice, then, is a path to freedom, fulfillment, and self-love.

RL: Is there something relevant in the construct of the mistake that impacts us more harshly?

Dr. Diperna: We ALL make mistakes. Without doubt there are mistakes that are minimally consequential, and there are others that are truly life-changing. The mental impact of a mistake that has led to devastating and permanent consequences may take more time and commitment to heal. However, it is our “perspective” that determines the mental impact. When our focus is stuck in the shame and hopelessness of it, these emotions hijack our ability to live in freedom and joy. When our focus is instead on learning, growing, developing our wisdom, and bringing our best self to each day, we may then have the capacity to feel fulfilled, purposeful and loving even in the wake of a grave mistake.

RL: Can a person ever genuinely get past an impactful decision/mistake they’ve made?

Dr. Diperna: Yes. As human beings we are powerfully resilient. Broken bones, as they go through the process of healing, are stronger than the rest of the bone. If we tend to these places that feel broken, reset what led to the underlying mistake, and realign ourselves with our soul’s essence, we are presented with an opportunity to strengthen and heal the deeper parts of ourselves.

RL: How does one, then, lessen the impact or help the situation after a mistake?

Dr. Diperna: To move out of this pit, we must lovingly move ourselves in the direction that is “opposite” to instinct. We must face everything by engaging these principles:

Addressing what is within our power. We cannot undo something that is in the past. However, by returning to the now, we can tend to the current impact of what has occurred and make choices about how to move forward one step at a time, one moment at a time.
Being truthful. It takes courage to truthfully take responsibility for our action or in-action, and for any real consequences that resulted from the mistake we have made. Healing begins when we acknowledge the truth and all the emotions that come with it. We can also get stuck when we take on responsibility beyond what was ours or beyond what was in our control. When we do this, it has the potential to take us deeper into hopelessness, because we are claiming responsibility for something we are powerless over. We must remember that we are not responsible in a vacuum. We are interconnected.
Taking action where action serves to heal. Apologize, make amends, offer restitution, be committed to getting support and healing emotional wounds to effectively manage what may have led to the mistake.
Separating the mistake from who you are as a person. You are not the actions you take. You are far greater than any action or decision. If you have made a mistake in which you lacked compassion, you might stop allowing yourself to recognize that you are compassionate. Reclaiming your essence of compassion is vital in moving forward.
Forgiving yourself. When we do not forgive ourselves we have stepped out of self-love. The suffering becomes our punishment. Imagine the part of you that made the mistake and see that part in front of you as if it were a small child. Speak to that part with love and compassion and forgiveness. Tell that part how special they are, and also set boundaries around what is not ok to repeat. If you are stuck in a pattern of repeating mistakes, love yourself by seeking help to heal the wounds that lead to this. Most importantly, offer love to mend, and see yourself as the beautiful being that you are.
Remembering the truth of who you are. The inability to move forward in freedom and joy is a calling to repair a broken connection to your soul. Imagine yourself at a time when you felt strong, a time when you showed up as your best self, a time when your presence and/or contribution added beauty or wisdom or light to a situation (this can be simple; for example a time you smiled at someone, added to their well-being and felt peace, love or joy within yourself). Imagine this moment and feel it in your whole being. This is the true “essence” of who you are that has been getting contaminated by the punishment you have been loading on yourself.
Realigning and recognizing your purpose. Once you have remembered who you are, ask yourself as you make every choice (whether it is a job, what you are doing over the weekend, or what you are eating for dinner): Is this choice in alignment with who I am, with my essence? Begin to configure your life choices to create a life that is aligned this way. Every step forward creates a path behind you. You direct a path in alignment with your highest self based on present choices.