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This post was co-authored by Brandy Black and Maria Socolof, co-founders of siblingsexualtrauma.com and 5WAVES, Inc., a nonprofit devoted to confronting and healing sibling sexual trauma.
When parents or caregivers realize that something sexual has happened between their children, they may wonder if what took place was innocent curiosity or something harmful or even abusive that will cause trauma to their children. There are a variety of ways that parents may learn about such events. Perhaps one child told the parent what happened, or the parent witnessed it or noticed changes in their child’s behavior.
Regardless of how parents find out, discovering the behavior presents an opportunity to stop it. Sexual behaviors that reflect innocent curiosity occur between young siblings of similar ages and levels of development, are mutual and light-hearted, and stop if an adult says so. In these situations, parents can redirect children to other activities and provide guidance on appropriate behaviors and body boundaries.
If the sexual behaviors that took place were not motivated by mutual curiosity, parents can take the lead in starting the healing process. The earlier that harmful sexual behavior between siblings is discovered and the children involved receive support and treatment, the greater the likelihood that the children will have better outcomes and that the family can heal.
For the harmed or abused child, earlier treatment means less time living with shame, guilt, secrecy, and confusion about their role in the behavior and what is healthy sexuality. For the sibling who caused harm, earlier treatment means a greater chance of developing healthy relationship skills and an appropriate sense of responsibility and boundaries. It is also a chance for this child to address any underlying issues that may have contributed to their behavior, such as pornography use or past trauma.
Initial Reactions
When first learning about harmful sexual behavior between siblings, parents often feel panicked and shocked. They may blurt out words they later regret and feel numb or disoriented. It is difficult for some parents to face what has happened. In the meantime, it is important that parents not excuse the behavior as normal, harmless, or “not that bad.”
Many parents struggle with blaming themselves, questioning whether they “should have known,” and feeling ashamed of what happened. Often, family members even blame the child who was harmed for “causing trouble” or lying. Faced with negative reactions and impacts on all members of the family, the harmed child may try to deny or take back their story to make things go back to normal. This is a common reaction and does not mean that they lied.
Believing the child who has been harmed and supporting all children in the family are keys to recovery. Children very rarely lie about sexual abuse. A great deal of healing can occur just by listening empathetically to the harmed child’s story. It is important that the harmed child knows their parents believe them and that what happened was not their fault.
It is also important to be compassionate with the child who caused harm. This can be challenging, especially for those parents who feel extremely angry with this child. Parents should tell them that what they did was wrong, but that they are still loved and will be getting help. Although a parent’s initial reaction may not have lived up to these ideals, it’s never too late to apologize and do better going forward.
Parents should know that they are not alone. A recent review found that harmful or abusive sibling sexual behavior impacts 1.3% to 7% of children. Parents may find it helpful to read about others’ experiences, join an online support group, or call a helpline for guidance. The co-authors of this post, Brandy Black and Maria Socolof, have created a webpage for parents that provides more information and resources.
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Planning for Safety
After finding out about harmful or abusive sibling sexual behavior, parents should seek professional help for all family members. An excellent place to start is the Stop It Now! Helpline. Parents could also ask for help through a pediatrician, therapist, or child advocacy center. Parents should be aware that depending on their location and what has happened, a report may need to be made to child-protection authorities. Filing such a report does not necessarily mean that their child(ren) will be removed from the home.
Deciding whether to separate siblings depends on a number of important considerations, including: 1) the severity of the sexual behavior, 2) the impact on the child who was harmed, 3) the extent of responsibility and commitment to change demonstrated by the child who caused harm, and 4) the wider family dynamics. Although no parent wants to hear that a separation is necessary, it can sometimes be managed by having the child who caused harm stay with a family friend or extended family member.
Sometimes, especially when the siblings involved are young, they are able to stay in the same home. If this is the case, it is essential to establish a safety plan that all household members are committed to maintaining. The safety plan should address issues like bedroom and bathroom arrangements, play and shared activities, and monitoring and supervision.
Moving Forward
The discovery of harmful sexual behavior between siblings can lead to profound disruption of everyday life and family relationships. Logistical and financial issues related to implementing safety plans or maintaining separate residences for siblings are intensified by the emotional fallout of disclosure. Many parents and family members mourn the loss of the family they thought they had.
While life may never go back to the way it was before, many families eventually find a path forward. By first seeking therapeutic treatment for all members of the family, and then working through a restorative process, the family can establish new boundaries and healthier relationships. This isn’t possible for all families, but the chances are greatly improved with early intervention and evidence-based treatment.
To find a therapist, visit the Psychology Today Therapy Directory.
