Flirting to attract a partner can go very well, or it can go poorly. Sadly, many individuals just don’t know what they did wrong and it is unlikely that those who they are flirting with will fill them in on their problematic flirting habits. In my consulting room, I hear about many dates and/or other interactions that seem to fall flat very quickly despite good intentions. These individuals report feeling frustrated and confused about the rejection they experience when they are trying to put their best selves forward.
In an attempt to identify problematic flirting styles that tend to be deal-breakers, Apostolou and Eleftheriou (2022) conducted two studies with Greek-speaking participants.
In Study No. 1, the researchers, using an open-ended survey, asked 212 participants to identify behaviors and traits that would make a bad impression on them in the context of flirting. Study No. 1 identified 69 items that participants identified as deal-breakers in the context of flirting.
Off-putting attempts at flirting
- Vulgar vocabulary including bad vocabulary, rude vocabulary, inelegant expressions and gestures, and being ironic.
- Excessive consumption of alcohol/food/cigarettes.
- Lack of good manners.
- Poor vocabulary.
- Blunt.
- Indiscreet.
- Poor looks including unattractive body, poor looks, not attracted by his/her looks, badly dressed, unkempt, lack of sense of style, or the way she/he walks.
- Excessive intimacy including coming too close when speaking, excessive intimacy, and touches without consent.
- Effusive.
- Aggressive approach.
- Clothes that are too revealing.
- Lack of intelligence including low intelligence, a gaze that shows a lack of intelligence, silly, or stupid lines.
- Looks desperate.
- Boring.
- Narcissism including she/he thinks highly of herself/himself, narcissism, showing off money, being too sure about herself/himself, too much self-confidence, showy, and speaking as if she/he knows everything.
- Showing off looks.
- Too much effort to impress.
- Bad behavior towards others.
- She/he only talks about herself/himself.
- She/he constantly makes negative comments about others.
- She/he tries to manipulate me.
- Too much effort to look cool.
- She/he talks too much.
- Lack of humor including not smiling.
- Low self-esteem.
- Ordinary.
- Bad humor.
- Stinginess.
- Expecting to split the bill in two.
- She/he lets me pay the bill.
- Bad hygiene including bad breath, rotten teeth, unattractive body smell, lack of respect, and bad personal hygiene.
- Slimy or slimy approach including slimy comments about my looks, sexist comments, and rudeness.
- Different views including saying something that makes me realize that we have completely different views.
- Bad communication.
- Lack of exclusive interest including looking at other men/women while we are together.
- She/he is not interested in learning things about me.
- She/he seems to be bored.
- She/he is stuck on his/her cellphone.
- Very pushy.
- She/he constantly interrupts me when I speak.
- She/he has approached many different men/women before me.
In Study No. 2, an attempt was made to classify the traits into broader categories. A total of 734 Greek-speaking individuals were asked to rate how off-putting these 69 acts and traits were. The 11 deal-breakers included: slimy approach, bad hygiene, lack of exclusive interest, different views, vulgar vocabulary, lack of intelligence, narcissism, lack of humor and low self-esteem, excessive intimacy, poor looks, and stinginess.
The three most unappealing behaviors were a slimy approach, bad hygiene, and the lack of exclusive interest. Excessive intimacy, poor looks, and stinginess were significantly less off-putting but were still problematic. There was a significant age effect here with older individuals finding the identified behaviors more aversive than the younger participants.
The above studies are very relevant in that poor flirting behaviors were identified and can be worked on individually or with a therapist. Additionally, some of the aversive attempts at flirting may land many in the “friend zone.” I would, however, like to see these studies conducted across cultures and based on something other than self-report measures, which may not be accurate.
