According to Matthew Hussey, renowned dating coach and relationship expert, your feelings of discomfort are absolutely valid and should be explored.
These situations are highly subjective, but your priority must be communicating the nuances of your feelings effectively without being silenced.
Worrying about your partner reconnecting with an ex is a common and valid concern rooted in past history and potential emotional risk.
Addressing this often involves open communication with your partner about your feelings, clarifying the nature of their renewed connection, and establishing or reaffirming boundaries to maintain trust and security within your current relationship
Assess the Situation: Is the Ex an “Unfinished Story”?
Matthew Hussey stresses that the context of the reconnection is vital in determining whether it’s a genuine concern.
Your worry often boils down to a key distinction, as noted by Esther Perel: is this a “finished story” or an “unfinished story”?
The Threat: Unfinished Stories
If the ex represents a connection that was never truly resolved—meaning your partner desired to be with that person but couldn’t, and now the possibility has resurfaced—your anxiety is natural.
It creates a lurking fear that you are “not enough.”
Potential Red Flags to Look For
- Reintroducing a Past Connection: If this ex was absent from your partner’s life and is now suddenly being brought back, Hussey suggests asking: Why now? Is it worth risking your comfort for a connection they’ve done fine without?
- The “Open Threads” Habit: Some people maintain “pointless relationships” to feel “tethered to their life as a single person.” If you and your partner are “all in,” why the need for semi-friendships with past sexual partners, especially if you’re uncomfortable?
- The Question of Value: Your partner needs to consider what they are prioritizing. As Hussey puts it: Am I valuing the relationship I’m in, or a rekindled connection from the past? If the friendship isn’t that important, it shouldn’t be worth making you feel uneasy.
Communicate: The “Precise DNA of Your Feelings”
Regardless of the situation, you have a right to feel and express your discomfort.
Hussey warns against letting your partner use their history (e.g., “my previous partners were controlling”) as an indirect way to silence your feelings.
How to Communicate Without Accusation
Your goal is not to control your partner’s behavior, but to share the “precise DNA of your feelings”.
- Be Specific: Instead of saying, “Stop talking to your ex,” try: “When I see you messaging that person, I feel anxious because I worry it’s an unfinished chapter for you, and it makes me feel less important.”
- Encourage Transparency: A transparent partner would proactively say: “I just wanted to let you know I reconnected with this old friend. We had a ‘Thing’ a while back, but there’s nothing there. I want to be totally transparent so you don’t feel weird.”
- Start with Shared Intent: Begin the conversation with a loving premise: “I want you to be happy and have friends, but this particular friendship is making me feel uneasy and anxious.”
The Teammate Test: Your Partner’s Response is Key
Esther Perel defines trust as a “confident relationship with the unknown.”
The ultimate indicator of your relationship’s health isn’t whether your partner has an ex, but how they respond to your vulnerability.
This is the Teammate Test.
A Great Teammate Will…
- Acknowledge and Validate: They should hear your feelings and respond immediately with: “The last thing in the world I want is for you to be uncomfortable.”
- Prioritize You: They may decide that your happiness and comfort are more important than maintaining a specific connection. Knowing you are the priority often eases discomfort right away.
- Offer a Solution (Negotiation): If the friendship is genuinely important, they should be willing to “enter a negotiation.” This might involve including you sometimes, such as suggesting: “Maybe we go for dinner the three of us so you can see that there’s nothing there.”
Red Flags in Response (Hussey’s Warning)
- Shaming: They accuse you of being controlling or insecure or react dismissively (“Oh God, you as well?”).
- Defensive Reaction: They prioritize defending their “freedom” at all costs over considering your feelings.
- Refusal to Include You: If they are never willing to include you in the friendship or make an effort to make you comfortable, they are making their own life harder and risking the stability of your relationship.
Building Safety: Creating Mutual Agreements
Since every relationship is unique, you and your partner must establish mutual understandings—or agreements—to build safety.
Next Steps & Actionable Agreements
Here is a checklist for moving forward and reinforcing your bond:
- Define Mutual Boundaries: Discuss and agree on what is acceptable (e.g., occasional messages, group hangouts) and what is not (e.g., one-on-one secret lunches, hiding communication).
- Reassert Value Daily: As Perel suggests, your partner needs to proactively protect the relationship—to become the “vigilante of the relationship.” This means consistently showing attention, curiosity, and thoughtfulness (small “bids for connection”) to make you feel fully chosen.
- Focus on the Present: Don’t fall into the trap of always pursuing a relationship that “needs to be better.” Instead, focus on building the quality of the connection you have right now.
- Trust Yourself: Use your partner’s reaction to your open communication as a barometer. As Hussey notes: this process is not about controlling their behavior, but about using their behavior to determine whether they are “ultimately an animal that is going to make us happy.”
Seeking Further Support
If this anxiety is rooted in deeper issues of abandonment or control, or if your partner’s response continues to be dismissive or shaming, it is highly recommended you seek professional support.
- Relationship Counseling: A licensed couples therapist can provide a neutral space to help you and your partner set clear, healthy boundaries.
- Individual Therapy: For personal anxiety or insecurity, a licensed therapist can help you identify emotional patterns and rebuild your sense of self-worth.
Remember: Trust requires a continuous commitment. It is an “engagement with the unknown” but should be built on the confidence that you will both come together to repair and heal if damage occurs. Love with your eyes open.
Key Takeaways
- Acknowledge Worry: Recognize that your feelings of concern, jealousy, or insecurity are valid and a normal response to a potentially sensitive situation in a relationship. Your feelings deserve open discussion, not dismissal.
- Initiate Dialogue: Start a calm, non-confrontational conversation with your partner, focusing on your feelings and the need for clarity rather than accusing them of wrongdoing. Aim to understand the nature of the renewed connection and its role in their life.
- Assess the Context: Evaluate the situation by observing key behaviors: are they secretive or open about the connection, what is the frequency and purpose of their communication, and what were the reasons for their initial breakup?
- Define Boundaries: Work together to establish clear, mutually agreeable boundaries regarding the communication and nature of the connection with the ex. These boundaries are essential for maintaining comfort, trust, and respect in your primary relationship.
- Focus Inward: Prioritize strengthening the trust and intimacy within your current relationship by spending quality time together and focusing on your shared future, rather than letting the ex become the focal point of your conversations or worries.
