Here’s a tactic that could throw a monkey wrench into your relationship and dating situation. If you are holding onto your current partner while at the same time searching for and reaching out to possible new partners, you may be doing what’s been dubbed “monkey-barring” or “monkey-branching” in the dating world.
It’s earned the monkey-barring moniker because that’s kind of what you do when traversing a set of monkey bars. You keep holding on to one bar until you have securely grabbed and swung over to another one. It’s been called monkey-branching because monkeys do the same when swinging from one tree branch to another to avoid falling splat onto the ground.
Why You Might Monkey-Bar
One big reason why you may be doing the monkey-barring thing is that you don’t want to fall splat into, gasp, singlehood. Yep, monkey-barring is one way of jumping straight from one relationship to another with no gap in between. That may seem desirable if being single is singularly frightening to you and being in a relationship—maybe even any relationship—seems infinitely better than being by yourself. Notice the word “seem” inserted twice here.
Or perhaps, you are monkey-barring to bypass all the heartache and pain that you inevitably feel between relationships. Monkey-barring can seem like a great way to fast-forward through the whole breakup, recover, get back in the dating scene, get frustrated with the dating scene, and finally find someone else stages. Once again, the operative word here is “seem.”
You could also subscribe to the belief that it’s seemingly easier to find someone else when you still have someone, rather than when you are in the “OMG, I need a partner because I am so lonely” state of mind. It may seem the same as buying a car while you still have a car, rather than having to take a bus to the car dealership. You may be worried about appearing too desperate when you are single. Monkey-barring seems to offer the luxury of having a partner, allowing you to be more deliberate about choosing the next one, with an emphasis again on the word seems.
Finally, monkey-barring may seem like a way to hold onto what you still need from your current partner until you can find a replacement. Your partner may still be providing some kind of support, whether it’s social, financial, emotional, sexual, or whatever, that you are not quite ready to let go, even though deep down you don’t feel that the two of you are a good match. Again, monkey-barring can seem like a good way to gradually extricate yourself from the relationship.
How Might You Monkey-Bar?
Now, monkey-barring can come in many different forms, ranging from the subtle to the overt. The common theme is that you intend in some way to find a new partner at some point. On one end of the spectrum, it can be as simple as not revealing to others that you are already in a relationship, pretending that you are single. This can leave the door wide open for others, or even say come on baby, make a move on me. On the other end, you could be very actively and aggressively pursuing others or even already entering into some kind of a romantic relationship with them. And, yes, if your monkey-barring consists of sleeping with others, you are cheating on your partner, unless the two of you already have some kind of open relationship agreement.
Is Monkey-Barring Considered Cheating?
The question then is, when does monkey-barring become cheating? Some may argue that it isn’t cheating until certain lines have been crossed, like kissing, having sex with, or being caught on a Jumbotron at a rock concert canoodling with someone who is not your current partner. Others may have a much lower threshold and say that as long as you intend to find a new partner, you’ve entered the space of cheating.
Since different people’s definitions, boundaries, agreements, and circumstances may be different, the cheating threshold does depend on what you and your partner think. Ask yourself whether you would be afraid of being completely open about your monkey-barring ways with your partner. If the answer is “yes” in any way, then there’s a good chance that it can be considered cheating. At the very least, you are probably being deceptive toward your partner.
What Are the Risks of Monkey-Barring?
When you monkey-bar, you are changing the dynamics of and potentially further weakening your current relationship. It can be tough to monkey-bar and not have your partner notice it in some way. Even if your partner doesn’t catch you grabbing at another bar, branch, or even body part, he or she may recognize that you are spending less and less time and effort on your current bar or branch. And unless you already have an agreement that monkey-barring is mutually OK, chances are your partner won’t say, “Hey, that’s great that you are monkey-barring. How close are you to finding a suitable replacement for me? I’ll just keep putting maximal effort into our relationship until you do.”
Another risk is that it could actually reduce your dating prospects. When you are still in a relationship, others may immediately rule you out as a dating possibility, not wanting to be responsible for breaking up a relationship, incur the wrath of your partner, or be caught in some kind of bizarre love triangle in any way. Also, they may question the legitimacy of your interest in them and wonder whether you are just seeking attention or trying to make your current partner jealous.
Then, there’s the once a monkey-barrer alway a monkey-barrer concern. Anyone who sees you monkey-barring may worry that this is what you tend to do in committed relationships. Therefore, you could be self-selecting for people who are just looking for a fling or will end up monkey-barring you someday.
On top of all this, when you swing immediately into a new relationship rather than give yourself a single break, you won’t have the time and space to properly process what happened with your previous relationship and recover, learn, and grow from it. This could bring all the unresolved drama, issues, and feelings from one relationship to another, allowing you to repeat the same mistakes over and over again. When you’re constantly in relationships, you may not figure out what you want, what you really, really want, in the words of the Spice Girls.
Consider Alternatives to Monkey-Barring
Therefore, rather than monkeying around, you may want to ask yourself why? Why are you not fully committed to your current partner, and why haven’t you honestly discussed your concerns with him or her? If you are seeking a new partner, why are you still with your current one rather than having made a clean break? If you are worried about being single and uncertainty, why? If you are concerned that you won’t find someone else, why, why, why? If you never find out the answers to these questions, you could end up wasting a whole lot more time and effort being stuck on a monkey-go-around.
