Adult children cutting ties with parents is not a new phenomenon. A 2020 study found that 10% of Americans were estranged from a parent or child (Pillemar, 2020). This situation may be even more common for autistic adults, with reasons uniquely tied to their neurotype.
I reached out to Bridgette Hamstead, MS, founding director of Fish in A Tree, a virtual neurodiversity community center and consulting firm, who has worked extensively with autistic adults who have separated from their families.
Debra: What are the most common reasons for autistic adults to disengage from their families?
Bridgette: Some common reasons include a lack of understanding or acceptance, communication breakdowns, rigid expectations, and boundary violations. Many autistic adults grow up in families that dismiss their neurodivergence, pushing eye contact, discouraging stimming, or expecting constant masking. This invalidation fosters alienation.
Some autistic adults disengage due to emotional neglect, gaslighting, or abuse. Many have been told they were “too sensitive” or “overreacting” when expressing distress. Over time, estrangement can become an act of self-preservation.
Debra: Have you seen a difference if the individual was identified as autistic as a child as opposed to a late-diagnosed adult?
Bridgette: A family’s response to an autism diagnosis significantly impacts the likelihood of estrangement. Those diagnosed in childhood often face two divergent experiences: supportive parents who embrace neuro-affirming practices or those who view autism as something to “fix.” The latter often pushes masking and comparison to neurotypical peers, leading to emotional exhaustion and resentment.
Late-diagnosed autistic adults often grow up misunderstood. Their struggles were mislabeled as defiance or laziness. When they finally receive a diagnosis, it can be both a relief and a source of grief. Reflecting on past misunderstandings can create tension, especially if parents react with denial or dismissal. While some parents become more supportive, others refuse to acknowledge the impact of past actions.
Ultimately, whether diagnosed early or late, autistic adults disengage when they feel unheard, invalidated, or forced to suppress their true selves. The timing matters less than a parent’s willingness to learn and adapt.
Debra: Is there any hope for reconciliation for the adult children? Or is repair unlikely?
Bridgette: Many estranged autistic adults initially hope for reconciliation. Some set boundaries rather than fully disengaging, hoping distance will foster healing.
Some autistic adults describe relief when they stop seeking validation from their parents. Constantly explaining themselves, setting boundaries that aren’t respected, or waiting for an apology that never comes takes an emotional toll.
Reconciliation requires parents to take responsibility and make meaningful changes. Ultimately, estrangement isn’t about wanting to cut ties—it’s about building a life where one feels safe, respected, and free to exist as one is.
Debra: How might this play out if the parent or parents have undiagnosed autism?
Bridgette: Undiagnosed autistic parents may struggle to recognize their child’s neurodivergence as their child processes the world similarly to them. They might see their child’s experiences as “normal” because they faced similar struggles without accommodations. Instead of seeing their child as autistic, they may view them as just being overly sensitive or resistant to the same rigid coping strategies they had to adopt.
Many parents resist the idea of being autistic due to stigma or a rigid self-image. These parents may react with denial, dismissal, or resentment. If they have spent their life masking and adhering to neurotypical expectations, they may resent their child for embracing neurodivergence. Admitting their own neurodivergence can feel like unraveling everything they’ve built.
Debra: I’ve been thinking about how difficult it is for young autistic adults who crave autonomy but have higher support needs. My son is turning eighteen this month and fantasizes about living alone, yet that goal may be far off. Do you think the difficulty of separation contributes to a need to push parents away altogether?
Bridgette: Adults with higher support needs often crave independence but struggle because they depend on parental support. Estrangement usually arises when a desire for autonomy clashes with a lack of agency in their lives.
Many autistic individuals grow up micromanaged and have their decisions questioned. Even well-intentioned parents may struggle to shift their role from caretakers to supporters of autonomy. Frustration builds when a person’s attempts at independence are met with resistance or infantilization. Sometimes, total separation is the only way to reclaim control over their lives.
Estrangement is rarely about rejecting parents but escaping a dynamic in which autonomy is stifled. Families that respect an autistic person’s need for independence while collaboratively meeting their support needs reduce the likelihood of estrangement.
Debra: What advice do you have for parents struggling with the pain of separation from their children?
Bridgette: For parents seeking to repair a relationship, the best approach is to listen with an open mind, validate their child’s feelings, and demonstrate change through actions.
Here are some positive steps:
- Believe Their Lived Experience – Take your child’s feelings seriously. Phrases like “I hear you” or “I want to understand better” help build trust.
- Fully Accept Their Autism – Do not try to change or “fix” them. Respect their sensory needs, communication style, and unique ways of existing.
- Support Their Autonomy – Avoid infantilization. Even if your child has high support needs, they deserve a say in their life.
- Respond Well to Feedback: When your child tells you they were hurt, resist defensiveness. Instead of saying, “I didn’t mean it that way,” try, “I didn’t realize that hurt you. I’m sorry.”
- Educate Yourself – Learn about autism without expecting your child to teach you. Seek neurodiversity-affirming resources.
- Respect Boundaries – If your child sets limits, honor them without guilt-tripping. Boundaries are an attempt to build a healthier relationship, not rejection.
At its core, preventing estrangement requires ensuring that your autistic child feels safe, respected, and accepted. When they know they can be themselves around you without fear of judgment or pressure to change, they will want to keep you in their life.
