It all started over eight years ago when my husband became our kitchen-table producer for my first podcast. It made sense—he’s far more technologically savvy than I am, an early adopter of podcasts, and a genius at attention to detail and patience (not my strong suit). It was a side hustle that worked well, except when deadlines loomed. I found myself carrying the cognitive load, huffing under my breath when I saw him cleaning the shed instead of publishing my podcast, and criticizing every tiny audio blip I noticed.
Unwise effort in working with your partner often looks like this: neglecting the relationship, micromanaging, building unhelpful narratives about your partner, and avoiding the elephant in the room. In this case, the elephant is: We work together, and we need to treat this relationship with at least as much respect as we would any other working relationship—actually, more.
Over the years, my husband has taken on a larger role in my business. Sure, he’s still producing the podcast (a much bigger job now that I’ve gone solo), but he also manages my website, strategizes content for my courses, and even publishes my Substack. Thank you, honey. While far from perfect, I can say that working together has brought us closer. We share the vitality of this work, balance each other’s strengths, and always have things to talk about and dream about. Here’s how the Wise Effort method has helped.
1. Lean on Your Shared Values
Often, we choose partners because of shared values, and these values can serve as the foundation for any work you do together. Leaning on your values and revisiting them often can help you overcome small squabbles and irritations. Think of values as the rudder of your family boat—they keep you oriented in the right direction.
Your values reflect what you care about, what’s important to you, and what you want your life to be about. Shared values in relationships often include being loyal, being humorous, being honest, and being kind. Notice how they all start with the word “being.” That’s because values are something you do with your speech and your actions, not just something you think about. Research in psychology confirms that couples with shared values experience greater relationship satisfaction and are better equipped to navigate conflicts (Givertz, Segrin, & Hanzal, 2009).
For example, my husband and I share values like showing reciprocity (e.g., if I make dinner, he does the dishes; while he vacuums, I’ll sort the mail) and prioritizing our kids over work. If you haven’t yet, have conversations with your partner about your shared work and relationship values. Here are some prompts to guide you:
- What do we want to prioritize as a couple, in work and life?
- What values guide the way we treat each other in challenging times?
- How do we want to handle work-life balance as partners and co-workers?
2. Celebrate Your Complementary Strengths
While shared values bring you together, complementary strengths make you an effective team. Research shows that successful relationships often involve partners with different temperaments, interests, and strengths, which allow them to balance each other out (Holmes & Murray, 1996).
Your genius is what you’re naturally good at—your aptitudes, interests, character strengths and what others notice about you. Organize your work around these geniuses. For instance, my friend and book coach Jennie Nash, who works with her husband, excels at big-picture creative design for her book coaching business, while her husband shines in managing employee contracts and business logistics. Her genius is creativity; his is attention to detail. Together, they create a balanced, effective partnership.
Ask these questions to identify and celebrate each other’s genius:
- What are you naturally good at in work or life?
- What do you enjoy most about the tasks you take on?
- How can we structure our work to let each of us focus on our strengths?
3. Side-Step the Downward Spiral
There are three common traps that can sour your working relationship: getting stuck in a story, avoiding discomfort, and clinging to control.
Our relationships with partners are particularly vulnerable to cognitive shortcuts and old patterns. For instance, you might assume you know what your partner is thinking or doing and build a story around it—often inaccurately. Avoid this trap by keeping communication and expectations clear, and by checking in before jumping to conclusions.
Avoidance is another pitfall. Sometimes, difficult conversations feel overwhelming. For example, just the other day, my husband and I discussed our financial plan for the year. I could feel myself wanting to avoid the conversation because it made me anxious to confront how much I spend on my business. But staying with discomfort in service of shared goals strengthens both the relationship and the work.
Ask yourself these questions to avoid unwise effort pitfalls:
- Am I stuck in a story about my partner?
- Am I micromanaging or trying to control too much?
- Am I avoiding a necessary but uncomfortable conversation?
4. Follow the 80-20 Rule
One of the most valuable lessons I’ve learned about working with my spouse is the importance of appreciation. The 80-20 rule refers to giving 80% positive feedback and 20% suggestions for improvement. Psychology research consistently shows that people respond better to positive reinforcement than criticism, especially in close relationships (Gottman & Silver, 1999).
When you’re working with your partner, appreciating them isn’t just about being nice—it’s about cultivating a positive environment where both of you can thrive. Here are ways to show loving appreciation:
- Be specific: Instead of saying, “Thanks for helping,” try, “I really appreciated how you handled the tech issues during my course launch.”
- Be timely: Offer praise in the moment to show you noticed their effort.
- Connect it to your values: “It means a lot to me that we prioritize kindness, and I see you doing that in how you help with my work.”
Working with your spouse can be both challenging and rewarding. By leaning on your shared values, celebrating your complementary strengths, avoiding common traps, and appreciating each other, you can create a working relationship that enriches both your partnership and your work.
So, how will you bring Wise Effort into your partnership this week?
