One week after Valentine’s Day, the world recognizes Breakup Day on February 21. A serious breakup can put someone on an emotional roller coaster, even if they were the one to end the relationship (women end the majority of relationships).
I get it. Nearly a decade ago, I broke a marriage engagement. I still remember many of the messages I heard after telling people. There were some obnoxiously tone-deaf comments, like, “You better think long and hard about that if you want children.” But I was also surprised to hear “Congratulations. I wish I would have done that,” more frequently than I expected. It was helpful to hear such validation.
Years later, happily moved on from that relationship, I went back to school and wrote part of my Ph.D. dissertation on the messages that people heard after telling others that their marriage engagement ended. I spent more than 50 hours interviewing dozens of people about their broken engagement experiences and the support they received from strangers to loved ones.
Broadly applying the lessons learned from these interviews to anyone experiencing a relationship breakup, divorce, or even going through a challenging personal time, there is good news and bad news for people trying to offer support to others.
The good news is that if individuals felt someone was legitimately trying to help them, they were often understanding about hearing awkward comments, recognizing how challenging it is to say the “right” thing after an engagement ends or during a difficult time.
The bad news is that even when well-intended, unhelpful messages can increase hurt and delay a person’s healing. This was true in my research, regardless of who ended the relationship or why it ended. Other researchers, studying young cancer patients, for example, have also found unhelpful messages to be problematic.
My interviews and the research they inspired taught me five key lessons about better supporting the well-being of others during a breakup.
Frankly, most of these lessons can be applied to supporting anyone experiencing a life hurdle, whether it be a breakup or something else.
First, be present
Conveying empathy, validation, or strength, such as saying, “I’m here if you want someone to listen,” or “That takes courage,” matters.
Additionally, offering tangible support, like a place to stay or help moving, can be highly valued. Sending a card, meal, or fun treat so that they feel supported, but do not need to converse, can also be helpful, as well as hearing from a “club member,” someone else who experienced the same thing. (Note: a dating breakup is not the same as a broken engagement. Having your wisdom teeth out and going through chemo are not the same.)
Some people seek space post breakup. Others avoid being alone. When a person is ready, invite them to do an activity (like putt-putt or paint and sip), where they can choose to talk, or not.
Second, do not underestimate your healing power in offering thoughtful words
From bartender to boss to brother, sometimes friends and family provide needed support, but other times, kind words from a stranger or distant relation are of great value.
Third, avoid the toxic Ps
Pitying, prying, platitudes, and being too Pollyanna-ish just add to the pain, as does avoiding it completely by sweeping it under the rug.
Keep conversations short unless that person seeks more interaction – follow their lead. And avoid nosy questions (none of it is your business) or pushing them to immediately change their behavior (i.e., start dating).
Fourth, consider “I’m sorry” a fragment – finish the sentence
Some view the apology expression as neutral, but for others, it can create a need to justify their decision or make them re-question their decision, such as leaving an abusive relationship. A more in-tune response might be: “I’m sorry you’re going through this right now.”
Relationships Essential Reads
Finally, playing Monday Morning Relationship Quarterback is a double-edged sword. Be cautious
Relationship quarterbacking is done by either judging (e.g., I never thought you two would last); criticizing (e.g., Your ex was a jerk); or being a tattletale about the ex’s past mistakes or indiscretions, (e.g., I’m pretty sure they cheated on you).
If the person feels any validation from these comments, it is often cancelled out by wondering why no one said anything or questioning their own judgment. One exception to this is that immediately after a relationship ends, some people like to hear their ex criticized. For others, that might be the person they wanted to marry, so they are sensitive to criticism.
Whether someone is experiencing a broken engagement or breakup, or even a job loss, health scare, or something else, life trials are hard enough, and unsupportive interactions can make a challenging time worse.
Anyone seeking communication guidance to be better prepared for these conversations can use the Broken Engagement Social Support Stop Light as a starting point to help ensure their comments are in tune with someone else’s needs.
This breakup season, let’s help others by being present and offering thoughtful support.
