Do you ever wonder how you ended up feeling like the odd one out in your family… like the person who stands on the outside looking in? You don’t want negative attention. You don’t want pity. You are tired of people’s judgment, having them trying to fix you, or wondering why you are still single or can’t make your relationship work.
What you are experiencing might be the continuation of your “assigned” family role. I put “assigned” in quotes here to denote that you did not consciously choose this role or even know that you had one. Family roles evolve in the family system as a function of the needs of various children as balanced against the resources, personalities, histories, and, perhaps, conflicts of the parents. Sometimes people wonder how they turned out so different from their siblings, given that they had the same parents. But each sibling has a slightly different biology, and each has at least a slightly different relationship with the parents.
Common Family Childhood Roles
- Hero: This person often takes on the high-achieving role, striving for success and perfection to gain parental praise and bring positive attention to the family.
- Lost child: This person tends to withdraw or become invisible, avoiding conflict and attention by staying in the background.
- Black sheep (also known as the scapegoat): This person may act out as a rebel and is often blamed for the family’s stress or problems.
- Mascot: This person could be the comedian of the family and might use humor to relieve tension and distract from the family’s issues.
- Caretaker (or “enabler): This person takes on a nurturing role, often trying to care for or protect other family members, sometimes at the expense of their own needs.
- Golden child: This person is often idealized by the parents and seen as perfect, which sets up a false standard for the other children and relieves parental anxiety about their own shortcomings.
- Rebel: This person actively resists authority and can be seen as the opposite or counterbalance of the hero or golden child, and might challenge family norms or rules.
- Identified patient: This person is often seen as the one with the problems or issues that the family focuses on and is seen as the source of the family’s problems.
These roles can overlap, and a person can have multiple roles… and they are not exclusive (there could be other ones I have not listed). Once these roles are established, the family is likely to exist in a state of “homeostasis” or balance. Balance in this context does not mean contentment, happiness, or health. The measure of balance is usually seen in how much stress or anxiety there is in the family system. When everyone is fulfilling their role, anxiety is minimized overall, even though some family members might carry the brunt of the family’s anxiety and distress.
Some Examples
Many people I work with describe feeling “invisible,” not seen, and having their needs ignored by family, friends, or romantic partners. These people, who might now be in their early 40s, typically would have taken on the lost child or caretaker roles (or both) that will have persisted and lasted well into adulthood. This would have started as an adaptation where the child learned to avoid family conflict and negative attention by withdrawing from the family dynamic, leading eventually to feelings of being overlooked or undervalued. The lost child tries to take tension out of the system by not asking for anything or causing any waves. This same person might prioritize the needs of the sibling or a stressed-out parent and try to take care of them. But this caretaker role also leaves them feeling taken for granted and unappreciated, especially when their own needs are ignored.
In my experience, this is common when the person has a sibling who is very volatile, needy, or otherwise acting out.
This other sibling may have adopted the “designated patient” role in the family, where they are seen as being the source of the family’s problems, and their mental health or behavioral issues become the primary focus. The family may rally around this person’s challenges, thereby taking the focus off other problems in the family system (like the relationship between the parents). This role can leave the person feeling stigmatized or burdened with the responsibility for the family’s well-being.
Focusing on the designated patient can help the family avoid addressing the true underlying cause of the family’s distress. At the same time, the lost child may stay out of the way and ask for nothing while the caretaker tries to keep peace, soothe the designated patient, and be an ally to the distressed parents.
If you apply this content to your life, you might see that there are resentments between your siblings, that you feel estranged from your family, and that you are still caretaking your aging parents who don’t understand your emerging dissatisfaction. They don’t see that you have unmet needs (After all, you are invisible!) and don’t appreciate that you could use some support.
So, you see a need for change! The good news is that family roles are not immutable and can change with age, alterations in family structure, or by conscious choice because your role hurts and does not serve you anymore.
Changing Roles
By the time I see people for therapy in adulthood, they typically have been in these roles for years and don’t know how to change them. Here is what you can do:
Family Dynamics Essential Reads
- Realize that changing your role will probably leave you feeling anxious and off balance. This does not mean you are doing anything wrong and may actually indicate that you are moving in the right direction.
- The family system may act out to pull you back into your role (to reestablish homeostasis and balance). In other words, if you are the caretaker, your identified patient sibling may intensify acting out, and your parents may become more distressed.
- Make it about behavior. Know the behavioral markers of your role and practice not enacting these behaviors (e.g., don’t offer assistance in response to complaints if no one directly asked you for changes; don’t preemptively leave family gatherings when you feel tense; don’t act like everything is great because you don’t think your aging parents will be able to handle the truth).
- Enact alternate behaviors. Be clear that you have needs, and ask your family members to meet them. Write them out on paper. It’s OK to have a plan.
- Be overt and name the role (or roles) you have been playing and tell your family members that you intend to change it. Decide on what role you want… or step out of having a role completely. As an adult, you don’t have to balance out the family system.
- Get support from outside of your family. You could get a therapist or use self-help groups like ACOA or CODA. You can create healthy family dynamics with people who are not your blood relatives. Practicing different roles with your friends can give you the skills to behave differently with your family.
Remember, when someone changes their family role, the entire system gets distressed, and other family members may have to adapt by altering their roles or trying to force you back into your position. Stay on course, and don’t let fear of abandonment or rejection dictate how you function in your relationships.
