“I hate you!”
What does it mean when your child says this? What do you do about it?
At the end of a busy weekend filled with tumultuous moments that included screaming, Jackie found herself carefully considering if she should impose the usual Sunday-night limits on 14-year-old Erin. Just letting it go in order to maintain the peace seemed very appealing. She was tired of the explosions and the tension. Ultimately, Jackie decided to relax the time a little, but still when she told Erin it was time to surrender the phone and get into bed, her daughter began screaming at her again. Before a heartbroken Jackie could find the door, it seemed like Erin was hurling “I hate you”s with every breath. Only the closed door between them could quiet her yells.
How to think about it
Thinking about “I hate you”s in a literal sense can take a parent into a very dark personal space where you accept the statement at face value and take it to heart, which can be exceedingly painful. Hopefully, though, it triggers off a more reflective process where you can identify exactly what you are thinking about the mean-spirited barrage and how you are feeling. If you can see it as a natural or inevitable part of parenting, a teenage onslaught expressing frustration at parental limit-setting and control, continue on. If it feels more personal, truthful, or aggressive, talk it out with yourself, your partner, a friend, or a therapist before you continue. This is what Jackie needed to do. Parents need to understand what it means in the here-and-now and from the past and whatever else it brings up for them. How much do you believe it to be your child’s truth and how much is it simply a teenage weapon or the consequence of a child blurting out something before they think?
It is very natural for children to “take out” their feelings on their parents. We see this from the very beginning of our children’s lives. They show us how they feel before they can tell us how they feel. How we respond emotionally is very important. Naturally and openly is best. Harsh and closed are worst. How we respond behaviorally is also important. Think through the experiences between you and your child. How does your child best receive comfort, strategies, and other supports from you? What about limitations and rules? Do you suspect something else may be going on with your child that may push them to lash out? Finally, consider what you are comfortable with before you talk through with them what led to the outburst. You do not need to talk about it immediately; sometimes it is better to take a beat. Cooling-off time for both of you can be helpful. Alone time is good—not as a punishment, but as a time for your child to reflect or reset.
What to be wary of
In our clinical experience, we have found that one of the potentially most negatively-consequential parental responses occurs when a parent compromises what they believe is right in order to appease their child and avoid a confrontation. They stick with what they believe their child can easily handle, but deprive them of the opportunity to learn to manage themselves better. While compromise can be important, you don’t want to sacrifice the moment where emotional learning can occur. We recommend that you do not allow your anticipation of how your child will take your direction to change your message, though it may shift your style of messaging or the timing. So keep in mind how to best offer your direction, but do not avoid offering it. For example, if Jackie consistently permitted her daughter to stay up until Erin herself fell asleep with the phone in her hand because she, Jackie, wanted to avoid Erin’s outbursts, we would observe that since she was clear that Erin did not have the self-control to care for herself, and she was neglecting to attend to what her daughter needed from her. Another possibility would be if Jackie could understand Erin’s flare-ups as her daughter’s way of exhaling emotionally as she took in the lesson, perhaps Jackie could tolerate the yelling without taking it personally. With more experience between them Jackie would build better communication with Erin and with that her expectations and demands could also evolve. Jackie could see this as part of Erin’s emotional growth and development, and a fundamental aspect of her parenting.
When to look at this more deeply
For some children and adults, “I hate you” may be connected to deeper feelings that should be looked into with a professional. It could be that your child needs help in how they are processing their feelings. We all can have strong feelings. And we all need to learn how to process them. If you find your child withdrawing, becoming quiet, not eating, having difficulty sleeping, or exhibiting a changed behavior with their peers, it would be a good time to consult with your pediatrician. If your child is exhibiting a need for emotional help from a professional, or you yourself would like support for your parenting, we have found that sooner is better than later. Sometimes, just talking it out with a psychologist or psychiatrist can ease the tension to a manageable level for both of you.
As we understand it from our clinical work with children and parents, “I hate you” is a normal reflection of emotional experience. Sometimes it reflects a feeling about a parent. Sometimes a parent is just an easy and available target for pent-up feelings that do not really have to do with the parent at all. All children are capable of feelings ranging from hate to love, with many in between. Strong feelings are harder to process. Learning how to manage yourself in the face of these feelings is a normal developmental challenge. A child needs experience and support to learn how to handle all this entails. Many parents find they need support and direction, too, as they learn how to best care for their upset child. It is inevitable that as children take their feelings out on you, a parent can take it very personally and this can be an instance in which professional help can be useful. As always, the best way to deal with child-rearing matters is to go through them and learn for the next time. In parenting, the next time is usually inevitable, but experience is a great teacher.
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