In general, a stress test reveals how well a system performs under pressure. Most people likely associate a stress test with an exercise stress test, which involves assessing how well a person’s body physically performs during increased physical strain (e.g., while running on a treadmill). During the stress test, the person’s heart rate, blood pressure, and breathing are being monitored while under “stress” and, in doing so, can expose potential underlying vulnerabilities.
This framework can similarly be translated to relational systems. After a baby is born, the postpartum period functions in much the same way for couples – it is a relational stress test. Pre-existing vulnerabilities within the couple system, both individually and relationally, can resurface and intensify during the postpartum period.
This relational stress test is important to recognize because the majority of married couples have children at some point, with about 1 in 3 couples (married or not) actively parenting minor children. As such, most couples will experience the relational stress test of shifting from a couple to parents at some point during their relationship. Below, I’ll describe why this period creates the perfect recipe for a relational stress test:
Mental Health Complications: Approximately 1 in 5 moms and 1 in 10 dads experience mental health disorders (e.g., depression or anxiety) at some point during pregnancy and/or postpartum. Furthermore, a mental health disorder in one parent creates a greater risk for the other parent to develop a mental health condition. Beyond clinical diagnoses, new parents can experience other mental health stressors that can strain the postpartum relational system. A few examples include reproductive and birth trauma; body image issues and disordered eating; and acute personal and relational distress.
- What to do: Individual and couples therapy during pregnancy can help to prepare for this transition. Additionally, partners can create postpartum wellness plans and use intentional communication as strategies to support one another.
Coping Strategies: Stress is increased postpartum, so the need for reliable, adaptive coping strategies is needed more than ever. However, previous ways of managing stress are often less accessible due to new parental responsibilities, time constraints, and physical limitations. As an example, a parent who once relied on exercise as a means of stress relief might encounter new barriers postpartum due to childcare responsibilities, postpartum healing, and exhaustion.
- What to do: Expanding on the example above, a new parent may instead need to a) modify their postpartum physical activities to accommodate changes to their postpartum body; b) work with their co-parent to find protected time for exercise; c) and/or develop new, adaptive coping strategies in the short- or long-term. Overall, it is important to find healthy, adaptive coping strategies to avoid resorting to maladaptive strategies that may be easier to reach for but have detrimental outcomes (e.g., alcohol or substances).
Change in Roles: With the transition to parenthood, the postpartum system expands relational roles from just “couple” to include “co-parents”. If partners previously struggled with certain aspects of communication, similar patterns will likely emerge within the co-parenting role. It is likely these patterns will resurface more intensely and frequently due to the compounding stressors and because of the lack of familiarity within this role and its responsibilities.
- What to do: Attempt to identify and shift negative patterns of communication. Additionally, struggling co-parents often neglect the parts of the couple relationship that brought them joy. Develop intentionality towards the couple relationship.
New Responsibilities: With the transition to parenthood comes increased responsibilities and tasks that may have once felt balanced (enough) and now may suddenly feel unfair. Mothers consistently shoulder more household responsibilities and the burden of the mental load (i.e., the invisible mental work involved in managing a household and family).
- What to do: Have intentional conversations about managing both the physical and mental labor of the household to reduce individual burnout and relationship strains.
Lack of Sleep: Postpartum sleep disturbances have consequences for marital and family relationships and are yet another stressor faced by new parents. When new parents view things through a lens of exhaustion, once tolerable things may escalate more quickly.
- What to do: Identify persons vulnerable to sleep disruptions and create interventions aimed at protecting sleep to mitigate this potential risk factor. Intentionally wait to have difficult discussions until both co-parents have the mental and emotional capacity to participate.
Bottom Line: The postpartum transition for couples involves rapid and sometimes unexpected stressors for partners and the relationship. The areas described above often build on one another to create the perfect recipe for a postpartum, relational stress test. However, just like any good stress test that exposes underlying vulnerabilities, it can also shine a light on relational strengths!
If you are planning on growing your family, reflect on your relationship and the areas of vulnerability and strengths so you can best prepare for managing what’s ahead.
