Have you experienced trauma, loss or betrayal that has left you feeling shattered?
What role has humor played, either in your betrayal or your recovery?
Humor Can Be Used To Harm or Heal
Humor is used by bullies and perpetrators to increase the pain of betrayal by reinforcing stereotypes and existing power structures. And yet! Humor is a powerful tool of recovery, allowing us to challenge the narrative of the hegemony, compassionately connect to others, and take a new perspective on our pain.
Humor and Recovery
Humor plays a significant role in recovery from trauma, betrayal and loss. A study that surveyed 21,449 active-duty US Army Soldiers on risk and resilience showed that the use of humor (along with perceived unit cohesion and morale) uniquely contributed to lower PTSD symptoms after accounting for deployment stressors (Ward, et al., 2024). In a study surveying 179 firefighters at two time points, coping humor buffered the relationship between experiences of trauma, burnout and PTSD (Sliter, Kale, & Yuan, 2014). Humor fosters psychological flexibility—the ability to adapt to life’s challenges with openness and resilience (Kashdan & Rottenberg, 2010).
But what kind of humor makes a difference?
Benign vs. Injurious Humor
Martin and colleagues (2003) developed a Humor Styles Questionnaire that has been used in multiple studies to explore the role of humor in mental health. They identified “benign humor” as humor that helps us build relationships and cope with stress, and “injurious humor” as humor that expresses hostility and diminishes oneself. Benign humor includes affiliative humor, where two people share amusement about their experience together, and self-enhancing humor involves maintaining a hopeful outlook during adversity. Research indicates that benign humor styles are linked to lower trauma-related symptoms in both survivors and their spouses, suggesting a protective, buffering effect (Besser, et al, 2015). In contrast, injurious humor styles—aggressive and self-defeating—are generally associated with negative outcomes.
Zarna Garg Models Affiliative and Self-Enhancing Humor
Zarna Garg, a celebrated comedian and storyteller, offers a powerful example of how humor can aid in recovery from devastating personal losses and betrayals. Zarna grew up in Mumbai, India. At the age of 14, she lost her mother suddenly. Shortly after, her father gave her an ultimatum: either agree to an arranged marriage or leave home. Faced with the choice, Zarna made the courageous decision to leave and find her own way (Garg, 2023). For two years, she couch surfed and sometimes lived on the streets until she obtained a visa to move to the US and live with her sister’s family (ibid).
During this challenging time, Zarna discovered the power of humor as a survival strategy. She describes the development of affiliative humor—the kind of humor that involves affirming our shared human experience. “As a young teen, I quickly learned the value of ‘being the fun one.’ Friends, relatives and strangers opened up their homes to me because I made them laugh and kept it light” (Garg, 2023). Zarna Garg’s stand-up comedy involves jokes about raising children, mother-in-laws, Indian and American culture, and other vulnerable, sticky human moments in a way that helps us all take ourselves less seriously and see each other more compassionately.
While humor can be used to avoid, self-enhancing humor involves facing pain head-on. The saying comedy is tragedy plus time is applicable here. As Zarna writes, “Comedy is rooted in discomfort, but teaches you to keep perspective and turn the pain into therapy” (Garg, n.d.). In her comedy, Zarna Garg unblinkingly names her betrayals, recognizes the impact of these betrayals, integrates these experiences into her life story, surrenders her need for perfect closure, and gives all of us the chance to muse about how these hardships made her the unflappable powerhouse she is today.
R.I.S.E. Through Humor
Affiliative and self-enhancing humor serve as an important internal resource that can help trauma survivors and their loved ones better manage psychological distress. These types of humor involve compassion and psychological flexibility. Consider the R.I.S.E. framework (Recognize, Integrate, Surrender, Empower) to explore some ways comedians have used humor to heal from betrayal:
- Recognize the impact and name the betrayal. In Wanda Sykes’ now-famous comedy routine about rape, she brings down the house while holding our society accountable for continued violence against women.
- Integrating the experience into one’s life story. Tig Notaro, in her stand up set, “Live” (2012), addresses a series of devastating events that all happened in a short period—her partner’s infidelity, her mother’s sudden death, and her own cancer diagnosis. She jokes about the vulnerability of the human condition like this: “So my girlfriend left me. She was cheating on me. And I found out right after my mom died. I was like, ‘Oh, okay, so this is how life works. You think you’re at rock bottom, and then someone hands you a shovel.'”
- Surrendering the need for retribution or perfect closure. As John Mullaney said in “Kid Gorgeous at Radio City” (2018), “You know, you grow up thinking adults have all the answers. Then you get older and realize, ‘Oh, no one knows what they’re doing.’ I used to want to go back and confront all those teachers and priests who made me feel weird or guilty. But now, I just think, ‘Eh, they were just people, too.’”
- Empowering oneself to move forward with renewed purpose. Mel Brooks got the whole world laughing at perpetrators of violence and dehumanization. He stated, “if you can bring these people down with comedy, they stand no chance.”
Zarna Garg’s R.I.S.E.
Zarna’s story embodies these R.I.S.E. principles. Her comedy, rich with personal anecdotes and cultural insights, invites audiences to confront their own betrayals with honesty and humor, modeling how vulnerability and laughter can coexist. She recognized her pain, integrated it into her comedy, surrendered the fantasy of a perfect resolution, and empowered herself by building a new life and career (after 18 different failed businesses—including disposable toothbrush company and a matchmaking business). Zarna’s comedic lens allowed her to process betrayal without becoming mired in resentment. By sharing her story on stage, she lightened her own burden and created space for others to laugh, reflect, and heal. Women all over the world now hear their own story in Zarna’s, and are finding hope that they too might be able to carry their betrayal forward in a lighter, wiser, and more powerful way.
Reflect
How has humor helped you cope with difficult experiences in your own life?
What part of your story might benefit from re-storying or a new perspective?
