Ghosting, the sudden and unexplained ending of communication in a relationship, is now a common form of rejection. Unfortunately, ghosting has become normalized as a stealthy act of abandonment in a digital world—a disappearing act that we can all get away with.
But ghosting is not only rejection, as painful as that is. Being ghosted utterly leaves us without closure or explanation. We are not only gutted by loss, we are spinning in rumination, confusion and self-doubt. This dark confluence of forces is a perfect set up for falling into impulsive online behaviors and other maladaptive habits.
Anyone who has ever been ghosted by someone close or important to them, professionally or personally, knows how devastating ghosting can be. Given the recent research showing the emotional damage of ghosting, and considering the serious attention towards this problem, more psychotherapists, educators, healthcare providers as well as our peers, friends, and families are aware and prepared to address the fallout of being ghosted.
But many of us are left behind after a ghosting without any social support from close friends, available family members, or professionals. We are on our own, trying to go on, escaping the inner demons of rumination by reaching for the low-hanging fruit of distraction online—sweet or bittersweet.
Driven by the Distress of Being Ghosted—Online Impulsivity and More
Over the past five years, studies have shown that being ghosted can trigger rumination, self-doubt, low self-esteem, uncertainty, insecurity, anxiety, depression, and loneliness. In short, we might name the sum of these reactions distress. (Consider these well-known studies, “Psychological Correlates of Ghosting and Breadcrumbing Experiences: A Preliminary Study among Adults,” and “Emotional experiences of ghosting.” In 2023, an enlightening report “Ghosting: Abandonment in the Digital Era” analyzes the research and helps us understand how these emotions cause distress.)
Distress, rumination, anxiety, and extended thinking can all be drivers of impulsive, compulsive, and unhealthy online behaviors — manifesting as unbridled digital habits. Imagine an 18-year-old student who is ghosted by the girl he adores after ten months of dating, and to escape his distress, he turns to the dark web, or darknet for escape. The sting of this loss and sense of betrayal overcomes his ability to regulate his emotions or his fantasies (maladaptive daydreaming) or control his online impulses. He is vulnerable to anything ranging from political radicalization to joining incel culture (involuntarily celibate culture).
Or, consider an unemployed 40-year-old father of young children, ghosted after three long interviews with an employer, feeling powerless and angry. He jumps on TikTok with inflammatory comments aimed at creators who appear privileged and entitled.
Or, we could understand how a single 60-year-old woman who is suddenly ghosted by a dear, lifelong friend might end up looking for companionship on a dating app that leads to countless disappointments and more heartache.
In any of these scenarios, it’s not surprising that any of these ghosted, distressed people could end up in the grip of impulsive and compulsive behaviors. Reeling in the aftermath of abandonment such as ghosting, any one of us is vulnerable to seeking escape, amusement, shopping binges, companionship, or belonging in precarious places that only the internet can take us to. And no one needs to know our hidden guilty pleasures or our secret fascination with taboo topics. It’s our own private world to recover from a loss no one understands.
Considering these online behaviors, I’ve discovered three alarming studies revealing how ghosting can be a predictor of problematic social media use, maladaptive daydreaming, and vulnerable narcissism.
How Rumination Can Drive Online Impulsivity and Compulsive Behaviors (Two Studies)
One 2024 study conducted in Italy with 548 social network users (average age of 29 years) focused on how rumination is a key driver of compulsive social media use, along with excessive engagement. This research published in Addictive Behaviors reported “Worry, rumination, and desire thinking may be central cognitive processes in eliciting craving and PSNSU (problematic social network site use) for individuals who experience psychological distress.”
Problematic social network site use (PSNSU) causes us to drift away from daily responsibilities and fall into isolation and withdrawal from our usual social activities. Because being ghosted can be damaging enough to make us vulnerable to rumination and distress, we are more prone to impulsivity in trying to relieve that anguish—that crazy-making hell. We turn to online remedies to get ourselves out of that inner hell.
This distress, not only the grief of losing contact after a ghosting, can lead to a host of compulsive behaviors. Most of the researchers in the aforementioned Italian study were also involved with an earlier study on the role of self-esteem and problematic phone use. Much of the rumination triggered by being ghosted often involves self-doubt and feelings of low self-esteem. It is not surprising to see the effects of lower self-esteem reflected in the problematic, addictive phone use.
Ghosting Can Be a Predictor of Maladaptive Daydreaming and Narcissism
Maladaptive daydreaming can be described as immersive fantasy that becomes overwhelming enough to disrupt daily life—our functioning and sense of responsibility and connectiveness. In short, we “trip out” of the world to live in the vast reaches of our imaginations. Writers, introverts, and highly creative persons love to get into these spaces for a while. But they also know how to come back into the realities of the day and return phone calls, pay bills, and fix dinner. But maladaptive daydreaming causes some of us to drift out of reality for too long or dwell in precarious, questionable spaces on the internet.
One study, “How ghosting and stress impact vulnerable narcissism and maladaptive daydreaming,” revealed the links between rumination, ghosting, and particular behaviors. Maladaptive daydreaming could temporarily satisfy or comfort people who had been ghosted and gripped by rumination and distress.
This study of 301 university students in Vietnam explored how ghosting and stress triggered maladaptive daydreaming and vulnerable narcissism. In a PsyPost article, one of the researchers, Quam Dao Pham, reported, “In my view, this distress can trigger defensive mechanisms such as maladaptive daydreaming and narcissistic tendencies, leading individuals to focus excessively on themselves without accurate and comprehensive self-reflection.”
Finding Relief from the Rumination of Being Ghosted
Fortunately, and hearteningly, this study also showed how mindfulness could alleviate or mitigate the effects of the rumination and distress caused from an experience of being ghosted. Mindfulness and being able to switch our attention to the present moment was key to breaking out of spiraling negative self-chatter and rumination.
Echoing the benefits of mindfulness and similar practices to alleviate rumination, consider an article, “Break the cycle” that quotes Jacqueline Olds, MD, a psychiatrist at Harvard-affiliated Massachusetts General Hospital. She recommends:
- Finding a distraction so you’re busy doing something else (exercising or calling a friend)
- Changing locations (going outside to a park)
- Relying on a relaxation technique or mindfulness practice
- Confiding in a friend
- Taking action to “do one small thing to push you past your circular thoughts.”
- Being patient with your looping thoughts.
Finally, to break the spiral of rumination and distress from being ghosted, I would like to suggest the ways that our sense of wonder and awe can switch us out of our negative chatter and distressed emotions. A moment of awe gives us a break from rumination by deactivating the default mode network of our brain (DMN) that keeps us in self-referential thinking.
When we have been hurt by being ghosted, it helps to restore a sense of awe and wonder, even by taking a short walk in a sunset, or turning to a piece of music that gives us chills. Even little, surprising moments of wonder and amazement can break us out of our headspace and give us a break. Perhaps we can remember, for a moment, the solace of an open mind, an open sky, and open-hearted self-compassion.
