As the cold beer ran down my throat, the sharpness of my self-conscious thoughts started to lose its edge. The conversation started to flow, and the laughter became easier.
The first time I discovered the social lubricant magic of alcohol was at a high school party. The music was loud, and I was anxious. A friend handed me a beer, told me it would help me loosen up. And it did. From then on, I learned to turn to alcohol for a little confidence boost every time the discomfort of social anxiety rises.
Why Alcohol Feels Like a Quick Fix for Social Anxiety
I am far from the first one who discovered alcohol’s “confidence boost” effect. The fermented juice has long been thought of as a social lubricant for a reason. Acting as a central nervous system depressant, alcohol temporarily eases anxiety by slowing down brain activity, boosting GABA release to prompt calming effects, and shutting off glutamate to lower inhibition.
To put it simply, the depressant effect of alcohol does calm the nerves and make socializing seem smoother in the moment. However, it comes with a catch. Alcohol’s help often comes with a hidden fine print in its cost.
The Hidden Cost of Alcohol’s “Anxiety Relief” Effect
Like a high-interest debt, alcohol offers us the immediate reward with delayed interest. When it comes to its “anxiety relief” effect, the delayed interest is an intensified anxiety cycle over time.
Using alcohol to cope with anxiety is essentially a form of avoidance. Numbing up mentally allows us to avoid facing what scares us. While the anxious thoughts magically dissipate, we are left with an unfortunate confirmation that whatever we just avoided—making small talk with a colleague—is indeed dangerous.
In CBT, avoidance behaviors are called “anxiety fuel,” as they deny a person the opportunity to sit through their fear and discover that they are actually safe. (Yes, 99 percent of our anxiety, as catastrophic as it may feel, is, in fact, survivable.)
Without these opportunities, the anxiety continues to run wild. When facing a similar situation, the internal alarm system screams “danger” even louder. In other words, avoidance behaviors help brew the perfect breeding ground for anxiety to persist and grow.
From Confidence Boost to Crutch: The Social Anxiety Drinking Loop
That’s why, although alcohol seemed to be a perfect solution for social anxiety at first, over time, one may find they become more and more reliant on alcohol. Toward the end of my drinking career, I found myself heading to the bar the first thing whenever I arrived at a party, barely saying hi to my friends. Sometimes, I would even have a drink or two before leaving home, just to “loosen up” ahead of time.
I call this the social anxiety drinking loop. When the need to ease anxiety meets the belief that alcohol can help calm the nerves, and drinking becomes the default coping method, a person becomes trapped by the limiting belief that “I need a drink to survive this social event.”
The 10-Minute Rule: A Practical Tool for Alcohol-Free Socializing
The only true way to overcome anxiety is by facing what one fears. Anxiety is fueled by the anticipation that something unbearable will happen. In our mind, we fear that if we stay, the anxiety will keep climbing until it blows through the roof, and then comes the irresistible urge to do anything to avoid what is about to happen.
But the truth is, while the peak of anxiety might be high, it’s also a skinny little thing. Once we reach the peak, it doesn’t keep climbing. Instead, it goes over the top and quickly starts to descend. In fact, most peaks last about 10 seconds to a minute. The best part is that once you get over the top, each time you face a similar situation in the future, the peak will become lower and lower.
That’s why I love the 10-minute rule. Make small talk with your coworker for 10 minutes, and talk about last night’s game or the weekend plan. Setting a time limit helps calm the anxious anticipation of “this is going to last forever.” As life-threatening as those first minutes might feel, I have never heard of anyone dying from striking up small talk. The 10-minute rule gives your brain an opportunity to discover that what you fear is actually a false alarm, and the alarm may start to lower its volume and shorten its length.
For more on managing social anxiety without alcohol, visit my website.
