This post is part four in a six-part “Marriage 911″ series on the top relationship problems.
“Dr. Cheryl, we are just roommates.”
“I love them, but I’m not in love with them anymore.”
“They’re my best friend, but there’s no passion.”
The kids. The work. The house. The schedules. The groceries. The dog. The endless list of things that need to get done. Somewhere in the middle of all that life…the two of you disappeared.
This is one of the most common complaints I hear from couples.
This is not always a dramatic crisis. It is often quieter than that. It is the slow, steady drip of disconnection. But over time, that drip can wear away even the strongest stone. And the two of you, the couple, get lost in the business of life.
Welcome to Marriage Incorporated
Many couples do not fall apart because something huge happened. They drift because they became very, very good at running the business of the family.
I call this Marriage Incorporated.
The mortgage gets paid. The kids get to school. The careers are managed. The house is mostly functional. The dog gets to the groomer on time. Everyone gets some vegetables — at least most days.
Bravo! Seriously. Life is demanding, and if you are keeping the whole circus moving, that is no small thing.
But here is the question: Where are the two of you? As lovers? As a romantic couple? As two people who once delighted in each other?
“We Just Grew Apart”
When people explain why they got divorced, many say some version of “We just grew apart.” It sounds gentle. It sounds almost inevitable, like oh well, there is really nothing you could have done to prevent this. Most of the time, growing apart is not mysterious. The relationship is not usually screaming as loudly as everything else, so it gets pushed to the bottom of the list again and again.
Until one day you look across the dinner table and think: “Where did we go?”
Watch this video to learn more.
Make Your Love Life a Hobby
One of the most popular and helpful teachings in my Become Passion 12-week online couples program is to make your love life a hobby.
“Say what Dr. Cheryl?!”
Well, think about a hobby you love: golf, pottery, cooking, painting, gardening, training your dog, or playing music.
What makes a hobby different from work?
You choose it. You enjoy it. You carve out time for it. You plan for it. You value it. You make it a priority. What’s more, you usually want to get better at it. A hobby gets attention. You make it a priority.
But let me ask you, does your partner and your relationship, get that kind of attention? Or does your sweetheart get the leftovers — the leftover energy, the leftover patience, the leftover touch, the leftover half-listening while you scroll your phone and wonder what happened to your life?
Most couples do not mean to neglect each other. Sadly, benign neglect still has consequences.
Great Couples Are Not an Accident
Great couples are not lucky. They are intentional. They make an effort to connect, to improve their relationship, and to work on what is not working!
They learn to grow in what I call the Three Keys to Passion.
The first key is intimacy — your emotional connection and communication.
The second key is thrill — romance, fun, novelty, surprise, and play.
This is the one many “roommate couples” are starving for.
Thrill is going bowling on a Tuesday night. It is sending the flirty text. It is planning that fun, unexpected date. It is laughing together more! It is cherishing each other instead of just managing each other and keeping the wheels from falling off the Marriage Inc. bus.
The third key is sensuality — touch, affection, sexuality, and erotic connection.
Action Creates Change
Here is the good news: You do not have to wait until you feel wildly in love to act lovingly.
In fact, most long-term couples have this backwards. They think, “When I feel close, I’ll plan a date.” But often, the action comes first.
Relationships Essential Reads
You choose the behavior of love. And the feeling begins to follow.
This is exactly what changed things for a couple I worked with, Joan and Jeff. They had built a life together — business, children, grandchildren, and decades of history. They were excellent at communicating about logistics. But they were not having much fun. Joan was so lonely, she was wondering if they would stay together through retirement. But she watched my free masterclass and they decided to work on things. They joined my program.
Then they began treating their love life like a hobby.
They started kissing goodnight, hugging hello, taking weekly date night, and choosing little actions of affection and attention. And over time, their relationship became more playful, more connected, more sensual, and much happier — not because a fairy godmother sprinkled passion dust over their marriage, but because they took action.
Try the Date Jar
Stuck? Don’t know how to start? Here is a simple place to begin.
Create a date jar. Each of you writes down date ideas on little slips of paper. Some can be free or under $10: a walk with hot chocolate, a picnic in the living room, bowling, a drive to watch the sunset, a fancy dinner, a silly adventure, a bookstore date where you each choose a book for the other person.
Then once a week, pull one out, and do it — no excuses!
Do it, whether you feel like it or not. Honestly, you do not always feel like doing your hobby either. You may plan to golf, then wake up tired and see rain clouds and think, “Maybe not.” But when you go, you are inevitably glad you made the effort.
A Gentle Next Step
If this resonates with you, you are not alone. Most couples do not need a miracle. They need a decision — a decision to stop giving their relationship the leftovers and to make love, connection, romance, and sensuality a priority again.
Over the next few weeks, I’ll be sharing powerful free teachings — including my Passion Masterclasses.
Let’s make your relationship a priority. One action step at a time.
