If I described someone whose mood had suddenly shifted—someone more irritable, emotionally reactive, inclined to take risks, withdrawn, and harder to communicate with—you might worry something serious was happening.
But what I’ve just described is also a normal part of human development: adolescence.
For many parents, the transition from childhood to adolescence can feel sudden and disorienting. One day, our child seems open and eager to connect. The next, we find ourselves wondering: What happened?
As parents, we may feel confused, rejected, powerless, or sad. And yet adolescence—with all its intensity and unpredictability—is also a necessary and meaningful stage of growth.
Rather than viewing adolescence only as a problem to manage, it can help to see it as a developmental cocoon: messy, active, confusing, and full of transformation. My friend and colleague, Dr. Assaf Oshri of the University of Georgia’s Center for Developmental Science, describes attunement—the ability to accurately sense, understand, and respond to a teen’s emotional state—as one of the most important protective factors in adolescent development and mental health. When we overreact, overcontrol, or move too quickly into judgment, we can unintentionally create distance and rupture.
Our role is not to control every part of adolescence. Our role is to help our teens emerge from it with greater emotional steadiness, psychological flexibility, and a stronger sense of self. In other words, we want to help them move from A—adolescence—to B—balance.
Here are five “B’s” that can help.
1. Be the Benchmark
Teens learn far more from what we do than from what we say.
They watch how we handle stress, disappointment, anger, conflict, and mistakes. They notice whether we apologize, whether we listen, and whether we are willing to grow.
Being the benchmark does not mean being perfect. No parent is perfect. What matters is modeling accountability, reflection, repair, and growth.
A parent who struggles with frustration might say: “I know I sometimes raise my voice, and I’m working on handling my emotions differently.”
That kind of honesty teaches something valuable: self-awareness and responsibility.
Being the benchmark means modeling the qualities we hope our teens will develop—humility, emotional awareness, resilience, and the willingness to keep growing.
2. Be the Bedrock
Adolescence is naturally a time of experimentation, emotional intensity, and increased independence. Teens are pulled toward novelty, peers, excitement, and exploration. At the same time, their developing brains are still learning how to regulate impulses and assess consequences.
This is why teens still need parents to be the bedrock.
Being the bedrock means providing structure, stability, and safety while also respecting your teen’s growing need for independence. It means setting limits not because we want to control them, but because we want to guide and protect them.
This includes having honest conversations about difficult topics like social media, substances, driving, relationships, and personal safety. Silence does not protect teens. Calm, clear communication does.
It also means supporting the basics that are deeply connected to emotional regulation and mental health: sleep, nutrition, movement, routine, and responsibility.
Teens may resist structure, but they still need it. They may push against our limits, but they also need to know someone steady is there.
3. Brainstorm With Them
Teens need opportunities to think, reflect, problem-solve, and learn from experience. Parents can support this development by moving away from lectures and toward collaboration.
When parents respond with shame, blame, or criticism, teens often shut down. But when parents respond with curiosity and calm, teens are more likely to think openly.
Adolescence Essential Reads
Imagine a teen goes to a party, drinks too much, and wakes up feeling sick. A parent’s instinct may be: “What were you thinking?”
A more productive conversation might sound like:
“How do you feel about what happened?”
“What do you think led to that decision?”
“What would you want to do differently next time?”
“How can we help you stay safe going forward?”
These conversations help teens build judgment and connect choices with consequences while preserving trust and communication.
Brainstorming with teens means helping them become thinkers, not just rule-followers.
4. Build the Bond
One of the strongest protective factors in a teen’s life is a trusting relationship with at least one caring adult.
But bonding with a teen often looks different than bonding with a younger child. Teens may seem distant, distracted, or uninterested. Still, they need connection—often more than they admit.
The goal is to create a relationship where teens feel emotionally safe enough to talk, especially when things are difficult.
If a teen says, “I failed my exam,” many parents immediately move toward correction: “You should have studied more.”
A more connecting response might be: “I’m sorry. How are you feeling about it?”
Connection does not mean avoiding accountability. It means creating enough emotional safety that accountability can actually be heard.
Building the bond also happens through small moments: watching a show together, driving together without pressure, laughing at something silly, sending a supportive text, or simply saying, “I really enjoy spending time with you.”
These moments remind teens they are not merely problems to solve. They are people we genuinely value and love.
5. Believe in Them
Adolescence is often filled with self-doubt. Teens may appear confident while privately wondering whether they are capable, lovable, or enough.
This is why parental belief matters so deeply.
When parents consistently communicate, “I believe in you,” it becomes an anchor. Teens often borrow our belief until they can build their own.
Importantly, our belief in our teens should not depend solely on grades, achievements, or performance. It should be rooted in who they are, not just what they produce.
We can say:
“I believe in your ability to figure this out.”
“I know this is hard, and I know you can grow through it.”
“I see your kindness.”
“I admire your effort.”
“I love the person you are becoming.”
Many of us learn to believe in ourselves because someone first believed in us. For teens, that belief can be life-giving.
From Adolescence to Balance
Adolescence can be challenging for everyone involved. Teens are changing rapidly, and parents are forced to change alongside them. The strategies that worked in childhood may no longer work during the teenage years.
But adolescence is not only a period to survive. It is a period of becoming.
When we strive to be the benchmark, the bedrock, a partner in brainstorming, a source of bonding, and a voice of belief, we help our teens move toward greater balance and resilience.
We cannot walk the path for them. But we can walk beside them—steady, loving, curious, and present—as they become who they are meant to be.
