There is no single, universally accepted definition of empathy. What we do know is that empathy is some combination of perspective-taking, being non-judgmental, and the ability to recognize and communicate understanding of someone else’s emotions. Research consistently links empathic leadership to trust, psychological safety, engagement, and performance (Edmondson, 2018; Goleman, 1998).
In my work coaching leaders across the globe, I hear leaders struggle with what to say/do to demonstrate empathy. I often have to explain that empathy is not an innate personality trait or a soft add-on—it is a set of skills and a learnable practice. And empathy shows up most clearly in behavior, especially through language.
We can build connection and strengthen shared understanding by tending to our language, both what we say and how we say it, to help translate empathic intent into empathic impact.
Empathy and AWE
Empathy is conveyed not only through actions but through everyday language. Words can strengthen trust or quietly erode it. Paying attention to what I call AWE language is one way we can demonstrate empathy:
- Avoiding platitudes and invalidating phrases
- Witnessing others by fully seeing and hearing them without judgment
- Engaging intentionally with language that builds connection
Most leaders rely on language meant to help. The problem is that it often lands differently than intended. So, let’s look at these one by one.
1. Avoiding Platitudes
When someone shares a difficult or negative experience, it’s tempting to try to make things better by using catch-all phrases or platitudes like:
- “I know exactly how you feel.”
- “It’ll all be OK.”
- “You’re going to be fine.”
These responses are well-intended and very common. The harsh reality is:
- We cannot know exactly how someone else feels.
- We cannot accurately predict outcomes.
- These phrases often shut down further conversation.
Let’s look at a real-life example.
Team member 1: “My contract didn’t get renewed…”
Team member 2: “That happened to me once. I know exactly how you feel…. Don’t worry: I’m sure you’ll be OK.”
This response diverts attention onto the other person’s experience and assumes emotional and circumstantial equivalence, but these two people don’t live the same life. The response also minimizes the team member’s concerns.
More empathic responses sound like: “That sounds really tough. What feels most concerning right now?” or “Thank you for sharing that—do you want to talk it over?”
“At-Leasting”
Another common empathy misstep involves “at-leasting.”
Colleague 1: “I didn’t get that promotion I applied for. I put so much time and effort into researching and preparing for it…”
Colleague 2: “At least you still have a job. The market’s so bad right now. Consider yourself lucky to be in work.”
This response minimizes the colleague’s emotional experience and redirects attention away from the person sharing.
A more empathic response is: “I’m really sorry to hear that. You worked hard for it, and it’s no wonder you’re disappointed. That’s really tough.”
“Shoulding”
Direct report: “I’m really frustrated that my meeting with the client didn’t end with a signed contract. I was sure I’d covered all their issues and concerns.”
Leadership Essential Reads
Manager: “You should be more assertive.”
The manager’s response implies how her direct report ought to feel and prioritizes problem-solving over understanding, offering a quick fix without really listening, which creates distance rather than offering understanding or support.
A more empathic response might be: “I can see you’re frustrated. What would you do differently next time?”
Platitudes, at-leasting, and shoulding are more often than not well-intentioned, but they miss the mark in terms of communicating empathy.
2. Witnessing Their Experience
In order to witness another, we need to create a container of time, space, and attention. Practically speaking, this means we must be present. We need to put away our own thoughts, assumptions, and biases to create space for understanding. We need to listen with our whole body (including voice tone, facial expressions, body language, and all of the senses) to bear witness to what is true for the other person. We need to suspend judgment and internal conclusions, stay open and curious, and avoid minimizing or corrective language as we seek to understand the perspective of another person.
This process of witnessing without judgment is foundational for demonstrating empathy and creating psychological safety, which are both essential for learning, innovation, and speaking up at work (Edmondson, 2018).
3. Engaging to Connect
Leaders sometimes worry about finding the right words, which can serve as a deterrent to reaching out. Empathy is not about having the perfect words. It is about choosing to engage with another such that the other person feels seen and heard. This can look like paraphrasing or echoing their words to demonstrate you’re hearing them, checking back to ensure you have understood, or asking questions to gather more information. All of these approaches demonstrate interest, and all build connection. And when you don’t know what to say, take a page from Brené Brown and acknowledge you don’t know what to say, but you are glad they shared.
In a world where so many people feel unheard, the choice to engage and to build connection matters more than ever.
On Choosing AWE
When we bring AWE into our language—avoid platitudes, witness another, and engage to connect—and into the way we show up, we shift from managing conversations to truly meeting people. We choose to witness rather than dismiss, engage rather than assume, and connect rather than correct. Empathy is rooted in wonder, a genuine curiosity about another person’s inner world. By practicing AWE as both language and mindset, we can create a deeper understanding and stronger human connection.
