People in new non-monogamous relationships often put a lot of effort into crafting airtight relationship agreements. That might look like, for instance, having conversations about how you’ll prioritize between partners when there are competing demands on your time; how you’ll deal with communication so you’ll be able to stay in touch without being glued to your phone; how you’ll manage disclosure and privacy with multiple partners, and so on.
I’m all for having detailed and thoughtful conversations with your partner(s), but there’s one piece that often gets left out of this conversation: renegotiating agreements. I think people sometimes assume that renegotiating agreements is a sign of failure. But from my perspective, it’s an integral part of the process of making and keeping agreements.
That’s why I encourage my clients to think of the first set of agreements as an experiment; you’re going to try something out, gather information, assess, and develop a new plan that’s informed by what you learned. In fact, I recommend that you put time on the calendar to review the experiment and discuss how it went for all concerned—
The Importance of Incremental Experimentation
In my experience, a process of incremental experimentation is one of the secrets to a well-functioning relationship. Responding to one another as you explore new territory creates safety and trust, which allows for more exploration. That’s a much better strategy than deciding how it has to be and then trying to fit yourself and others into a hypothetical structure.
You can’t anticipate everything from the start, and you don’t need to. You are unique humans with unique emotions, preferences, and desires. You can’t know how you will respond to something you haven’t tried yet, so try something small, and learn from the experiment. Let success and challenge help you shape the next experiment.
What matters much more than the specific agreements you come to is the process by which you come to them:
- Can you stay tuned in to what’s true for you, even if your conversation partner feels very differently?
- Can you stay warm and open to your partner, even if what they have to say is hard for you?
- Can you get curious about what your partner thinks, even if you’re a little scared of what they might say?
These are high-level challenging relationship skills, and pretty much everyone struggles with them. But the more you can practice staying warm and connected during even quite emotionally charged discussions, the more you’ll invite your partner(s) to bring their best selves to the table. Over time, by responding to each other with warmth and attunement, you’ll develop relationship agreements that are truly durable.
