You wear your heart on your sleeve, and you would do anything for a loved one. Yet, you rarely get the same support in return. You recognize that scorekeeping or having a tit-for-tat attitude is unhealthy so when empathy is not reciprocated, you try to take it on the chin. However, after months and years of being there for your partner, without them being there for you, even at your worst moments, you are depleted and exhausted. But you feel guilty for being angry about it. You remember all the positives in your life, and you trudge on.
If this sounds familiar, you are not alone. You love your partner, and they are occasionally supportive, but as soon as you open up about a hardship, they counter it with their own troubles.
Sometimes you feel like you want to explode. Understandable. You desperately want to get the emotional sustenance that you give, but it rarely comes. You feel like a house plant trying to thrive in a dark corner without sunlight and water.
Understanding Emotional Unavailability in Relationships
This is an epic conundrum. Your partner is not “bad” enough to be categorized as abusive or neglectful, but they are starving you, emotionally, of what you routinely give. Being involved with an emotionally unavailable partner is like death by a thousand paper-cuts.
There are usually two choices. The first is to capitalize on the positive aspects of your relationship with your partner and get the empathy elsewhere. For example, you love to ski and so does your partner. Make skiing a regular activity. It’s exhilarating, fun, and deliriously exhausting at the end of the day, in the best way. Then, you have fun things to talk about over a warm meal in front of the fire. Next, utilize that sacred person in your life who does provide you with empathy. It may be your best friend, mother-in-law, therapist, or cousin. Let them fuel you.
The second choice is to try and get your partner to understand what they are not giving you, emotionally. This may be a difficult feat because, in their eyes, they are fine because they get the “real” stuff correct. They pick up the kids. They vacuum the dirty floor. They pay a bill when you come up short. They wash your favorite T-shirt so you can wear it on game day. They do nice and pragmatic things. To them, this should be more than enough, and they believe that you are the problem because you are “ungrateful.” Yet, this may not be the case. Empathy is the most important thing in a relationship, and without it, distance, resentment, and depression can set in.
Strategies for Explaining Empathetic Needs to Your Partner
If you can convince them that they are lacking something that you need, and they are willing to listen, be as positive and gentle as possible when you are explaining empathy. For example, “Honey, you are a great partner, and I love you, but I need you to listen with empathy and respond empathically to me. You do not need to fix anything. I just need you to understand how I feel when I am going through something.”
Gently give them examples of what empathy is, what it sounds like, and demonstrate it. You can also find a counselor who specializes in helping an emotionally unavailable partner develop these skills. At the very least, they can learn cognitive empathy, which is not as good as the real thing, but it is better than nothing.
What to Do if a Partner Remains Unwilling to Change
If your partner becomes extremely defensive at the suggestion that they lack an emotional skill, you may be in trouble. They may not be motivated to grow, which means you may never get what you really need in this relationship.
Also, it is possible that things may get worse over time because they may not understand their own emotions. If they cannot recognize, identify, and process their emotions to recover from a hardship, they may not fully heal. Instead of getting stronger and wiser, life’s difficulties tend to break them down. They may become increasingly less emotionally available as the years go by.
The reciprocation of empathy in a relationship may be essential to sustaining the emotional closeness. Without empathy, distance and resentment can take over. If your partner is motivated to grow to make the relationship better, you may be in good shape. Alternatively, if your partner is defensive and enraged at the suggestion that they are lacking something, relationally, you may be stuck in the dysfunction.
Relationships Essential Reads
Find additional help in my book, Loving Well: The Key to Satisfying and Joyful Relationships.
