It’s incredibly frustrating to be in a relationship with someone unaware of how they behave in the world, how they are perceived by other people, and how their behavior actually impacts others. It’s maddening and sad to watch someone who acts in ways that are aggressive, rude, dismissive, arrogant, or just off-putting, but then complains about the reactions they receive, or blames other people for their responses. It’s exhausting to listen to someone who claims to always be misunderstood and misjudged; a perpetual victim who takes no responsibility or is blind to their own part in the responses they receive.
My guess, if you’re reading this article, is that you’ve already tried to communicate to this person about how they behave in the world and why people are reacting to them the way they are. My guess, too, is that by explaining or pointing out their behavior, you haven’t been able to move the dial — not because you haven’t explained it well, but usually because the person who “doesn’t know” how they’re coming across to others is someone who, at some level, has rejected how they’re being perceived, and built a whole emotional defense system to protect themselves from feeling insecure and inadequate. They are probably someone who, over time, has become unable to hear feedback about their own behavior. The two conditions frequently come together—lack of (or selective) awareness and unwillingness to consider responsibility.
But just in case you haven’t tried this most basic line of action—to simply point out to the other person how their behavior is coming across in the world and impacting other people—or even if you have tried but it hasn’t worked, here are some basics to keep in mind.
Pick the right time
Only approach the topic of their behavior when the other person is calm and in a good place, feeling secure and hopefully good about themselves. Also, only address the issue when you feel secure in the relationship, with a sense that they trust and feel connected and safe with you. Furthermore, make sure that they’re not physically or emotionally exhausted, not overwhelmed with stressors like work or health, and not distracted with too many things on their to-do list. Finally, don’t approach them when they’re about to sit down to watch the soccer game they’ve been looking forward to, or to do something they just want to fully enjoy.
It may seem like a long list of conditions to have to adhere to just to have a conversation about their behavior. And, those moments that meet all these requirements are few and far between. But timing is critical, and the reality is, if you really want to move the dial, you have to give yourself the best chance. People who are blind to their own behavior and how it impacts others are often not just defensive, but also somewhat fragile emotionally. Often, they’ve built up strong defenses to protect themselves from negative feedback, all of which you will be navigating as you try to convey your message and get through their emotional armor. That said, use the cheat sheet below, with one caveat: Don’t blame yourself if, even when adhering to all these strategies, they can’t hear you and can’t take responsibility for their own behavior. It’s not your failing. This is a complicated request for them, and more often than not, requires more than just explaining the behavior, even when the time is right.
Be specific
When you approach the unaware person, have specific examples to offer: where and how they behaved that “may” have landed differently than they imagine. When trying to point out their behavior to them, it’s important not to be vague or generalize their behavior; if they feel that you’re criticizing their character, the chances of being heard are slim (remember the fragility). Keep the focus on specific things they did or said and leave out any interpretations of their behavior or judgment calls on your part.
Again, this may feel like a thousand hoops to have to jump through, just to be heard properly, and while I wish I had a better way to address this, the reality is simply, yes, that’s true. There are a thousand hoops to jump through when dealing with someone who lacks self-awareness. Frequently, it’s an emotional minefield. They didn’t develop their level of ignorance and their disconnection between their behavior and other people’s responses without employing denial and defensiveness. Chances are, they’ve been rejecting their own accountability for a long time; it’s a piece of work to get through a system that’s protected them. It does indeed require careful planning and mindfulness.
Use I statements and integrate your insights with positive feedback
When you present someone in denial or lacking awareness with commentary on their behavior, be careful to present your case as your experience, which is supported by the responses and feedback they receive. “What I notice is that when you raise your voice with people, while you’re not meaning it to hurt, people tend to move away from you and then maybe not follow up for future contact.” Or, for example, “I know from my own experience that when people give me their writing to read, they’re putting themselves in a very vulnerable place. So, I try to remember that people are fragile and can quickly become wounded and go straight to feeling inadequate. I don’t sense that many people can be told, at least not as the first thing they hear, what’s wrong with their writing. While you have great wisdom to share, I notice that sometimes you can lead with the criticism, which can be tough for people to take in. I say that because I also notice that when you do start with what they’ve done wrong, people tend to shut down and stop listening, and then don’t follow up with you again. I’m wondering if sometimes you find that response as well?”
Point out the reality
Reality is the results that they’re actually getting from their behavior, regardless of what they think about that behavior. Point out the simple fact that what they’re doing is not producing the results they say they want (better and different responses). Keep bringing their attention to the bare bones of reality without interpretation: What they’re doing is not producing the results they want.“You often mention that you wish you had more friends. That’s true, right? And yet, however you’re interacting with other people doesn’t seem to be making that happen. In my experience, when something isn’t working, I think it can be helpful to look at what we’re doing, the part we’re playing in the situation, and maybe experiment with changing it, so we get more of what we want. One thing we know for sure is that if we keep doing the same thing, we’ll keep getting the same result.” This is just a purely results-based argument, which can deactivate their defensiveness.
These are basic communication strategies you can try, all of which you’ve probably already tried. In part three, I’ll offer a Plan B for a path forward after the words have failed. Stay tuned.
