Have you ever noticed how some people seem to have a gift for raining on your parade? If you have a narcissist in your life at home, at work, as a friend, or in your family, you have had the unfortunate experience of them being unable to celebrate your happiness or joy. It’s like they often dim the light and bring up something negative, so it literally feels like they just ruined it. It may be your happy mood, an accomplishment, a dream, an idea, or just moments when you are truly shining and proud of it.
Narcissistic parents seem to be unusually good at this gift. Why? Don’t most parents want their children to be happy and successful? Well, unfortunately, no. But we can recognize the behavior, see it as their problem or their internal chaos, and choose not to engage in it. They create the storm, but we don’t have to stand in it. We are not responsible for other people’s reactions. When someone rains on our parade, we are only responsible for how we deal with it for our own mental health and happiness.
Why Do People Rain?
People raining on your parade has everything to do with them and their own sense of self. Narcissistic parents typically want you to do well enough that you reflect well on them, but not so well that you outshine them, because then they become jealous of you. But why? Here are some possible explanations.
- They are unhappy and insecure themselves, and it makes them feel worse if someone else is happy.
- Their own feelings about their life are dismal, and they don’t feel good about who they are.
- They may have a lack of empathy or not know how to tune in emotionally to you.
- They may think they are protecting you from all the negatives that could happen.
- They may just want to control you. They don’t want you to change. Change rattles people.
- Maybe they haven’t received support and validation in their lives, and they don’t know how to give it.
- They are just plain jealous of you.
When They Rain on Your Parade, Raise the Umbrella!
Your response to the rain is directly related to how you feel about yourself. It’s important to believe in yourself, and to give yourself permission to enjoy the good things that you have created in your life. It’s inevitable that some people, maybe even your own parents or family members, don’t really understand you. That’s okay if you get you. We can learn to get out of the rain and protect our joy.
If you are dealing with narcissists, lower your expectations of what they can give you. The wishing and hoping they will change is exhausting and not worth it.
Look for people who do understand you and can celebrate who you are. They are out there. Don’t let the negativity of others control your movement in life or how you feel about yourself. Someone wanting you to feel small so they can feel big is simply not okay. When we see it, we can block it with our boundaries and self-validation. (Raise that umbrella!) Our playing small so that others can feel better does not serve anyone.
My client, Laura, at age 33, was constantly nagged by her mother about her weight. She was put on diets at a very early age, and her appearance was everything to her mother. But when Laura was in her 20s, she got a great trainer and lost weight at the same time her mother gained weight. Laura’s mother could not handle the fact that Laura looked better than she did. Laura shared the following with me:
“After my weight loss and fitness work, whenever I’d see Mom, she would call me anorexic. I’ve never had an eating disorder of any kind, but she would say things like ‘get your anorexic, skinny butt over here and do the dishes for me.’ It was so hurtful. Why couldn’t she just be proud of me? Thankfully, I am doing my continued recovery work and can see that my mom is just jealous. I think it is sad for her, but I get to be me, and that includes being the best me I can be.”
Elbert Hubbard, writer and philosopher, wraps it up like this: “To avoid criticism, say nothing, do nothing, be nothing.”
