We have all been through enough situations to show us that kindness is easy when people treat us well. But in this post, I want to talk about the real power of kindness, which shows up when others don’t treat us so well. Of course, most of us see ourselves as kind. You notice it when your kids cooperate, your partner shows appreciation, your co-workers show respect, and even when strangers treat you well, it feels really good.
So, when the rubber meets the road, as the saying goes, is when others don’t treat us very well. That is the real test because through my work as a psychologist with children, teens, adults, and families, I’ve seen just how quickly hurt can turn into defensiveness, criticism, retaliation, and withdrawal. That’s why I encourage people to consider a deceptively simple idea: Be kinder when it is hard. Below, I’ll explain five reasons why being kinder when it’s hard is the better option more often than you may imagine.
1. Kindness Lowers the Emotional Temperature
When someone comes at us with anger, our nervous system prepares us to respond in kind, which can escalate the situation. The obvious problem is that escalation leads to more escalation, so calming down and problem-solving go out the window. Let me be clear: I’m not guaranteeing you that a kinder response will calm the other person down. But hopefully you’ll agree that being kinder when it is hard keeps you from adding more fuel to the fire.
2. Kindness Makes You Stronger, Not Weaker
Couples therapists point out to clients, using the metaphor of a tree branch blowing in the wind, that flexibility is a sign of strength. If that tree branch snaps in the face of resistance to the wind, it is gone, but if it stays flexible, it stays attached to the tree. We sometimes confuse kindness with giving in, but they are very different.
The calm, firm, non-controlling approach I describe in my new book, 24 Hours To A Less Defiant Child, is about that: whether you are talking to a 6-year-old, a 12-year-old, or an adult child, compassion and boundaries can coexist. The more you lean into kindness with trust, the more you will see that it can have a backbone. That backbone that makes kindness have both compassion and strength exists in couples’ relationships, friendships, and with co-workers as well.
3. Kindness Helps You See the Struggle Behind the Behavior
I have a sign in my office that reads, “Struggle With vs. Choose Not.” An angry teen may be scared underneath their aggressive exterior. A struggling adult child blaming everyone else (Mom and Dad may have the exalted status of being top of the list) may be overwhelmed by underlying shame. What I mean is that kindness helps you understand what’s underneath someone’s behavior, and that doesn’t mean excusing it. Rather, it helps you respond to the person, not just the provocation.
4. Kindness Protects You From Becoming Someone You Don’t Want to Be
We all know what it’s like to say things in anger that felt justified for about 30 seconds, and then wake up feeling terrible the next morning. And here’s some good news: Being kinder when it’s hard isn’t only something you do for another person; it’s also something you do for yourself. You get to leave a difficult interaction knowing that someone else’s behavior didn’t undermine yours. This beautiful quality of kindness, supporting our own grace and dignity when under pressure, is truly a gift that keeps on giving in our relationships.
5. Kindness May Mean Stepping Back
Stepping back, rather than immediately stepping in to help, is likely one of the most misunderstood forms of kindness. You may be familiar with some of my past posts on parents helping their struggling adult children. In these cases, they may repeatedly solve problems, provide money, make excuses, or absorb negative or even aggressive behaviors because, within someone they love, struggle can feel unbearable. Yet, in my books on this subject, I have shared that sometimes the more loving response is to communicate: I believe in you and care about you, and I’m going to let you handle this. That is not abandonment but rather making room for the adult child’s growth.
The Takeaway
Being kinder when it is hard doesn’t mean tolerating mistreatment or abandoning healthy boundaries. It may mean listening more closely; it may mean apologizing; it may mean walking away when emotions are rising; or it may mean kindly saying no. As far as I can tell, though, if you value supporting your own grace, strength, and dignity, you can’t go wrong with being kinder when it’s hard.
