First off, I want to say that everything below, all of my thoughts here, are from observation and not experience. But I want to reflect on this idea as it keeps coming up in my music therapy sessions with those who are working their way through a cancer journey.
What are some words and phrases that we constantly hand out to those who are in the throes of cancer treatment – “Fight.” “Warrior.” “Survivor.” “Battle.” “You got this.” “You’re strong.”
But what if they don’t want to be “strong”? What if they’re about to lose that “fight”? What if they are at the point where they are accepting their fate and making a decision to move towards palliative or hospice care? What then? Did they lose? Did they not “fight” hard enough? And does that mean, perhaps, it’s their fault?
There are many emotional levels when working through “having cancer.” And yes, sometimes there are moments when one wants to fight and may find empowerment in it. But that journey is personal to those who are on it. And if the idea of being a warrior or fighter is not helping at the moment, well… okay. (And who are we—those of us who are fortunately not working through that journey—to suggest to someone that they should, or need to, “fight”?) Sometimes one may need to just be “in it,” feel what they are feeling, sit with it, process it, and, yes, they certainly are allowed to feel defeated, or scared, or feel sorry for themselves. It’s their journey. Maybe sometimes they feel so defeated that they just want to lie in bed… without shame.
What is your fight song?
I facilitate a weekly music therapy group for the organization Life With Cancer. The members are at various points on their cancer journeys. Not long ago I brought in a song for us to listen to together. It was a “fight” song that someone, who was in the hospital going through treatment, shared with me. I thought I would share it with the group and see what they thought. Then I would ask what their “fight” songs were. (I mean, everyone going through cancer has a “fight” song, right?)
After we listened to the song, the first comment was, “That’s a good song. But I’m not sure how I feel about fight songs. Or the idea of fighting.” I asked if she could speak more on that, and she said, “Well, fighting, or battling, I don’t know. What if you lose the battle? Did you fail?” Others agreed. There seemed to be a consensus on “fight” songs.
That put a lot into perspective for me. I never really thought of it that way. (And admittedly, I felt a bit insensitive at that moment.)
But it opened up a great conversation. Someone else in the group said, “I like that song. I feel like I need a new fight song. I’ve been feeling stuck lately. I need some motivation right now.” There were heads shaking. And then… “It really depends on the day. Some days I need motivation, like a push. But some days I just want to lie on the couch and not feel guilty about it. And when I feel that way, I don’t want to hear about fighting.” Many more head nods.
It made me fully realize that it’s truly a personal journey. There’s no “one size fits all” approach. This is personal unto each and every one going through it. And they get to decide. They get to be the ones to choose if they want to fight or not. And for those of us who are supporting them, we need to realize that. We need to honor that.
Music gives you what you need when you need it
And this is one of the reasons why music, and music therapy, can be a great support for those going through the cancer journey. Why? Because music gives you what you need when you need it. Sometimes you may need that fight song. You may need Katy Perry’s Roar, or Tom Petty’s I Won’t Back Down. But sometimes you may need something more melancholy, something that represents what you are feeling at that moment. Something that offers empathy and validation. Maybe you need Everybody Hurts by R.E.M. or Fix You by Coldplay. After all, sometimes you just need to feel what you are feeling. And music can support that.
And in my experience, for those who are suffering—in pain, scared, unsure—it’s often the melancholy music that is more profound, more supportive, more powerful, and more helpful on an emotional level. We often have trouble expressing what we are feeling inside. Music can speak for us when we can’t find the words. Music also brings, prompts, and releases emotions, and music is aesthetic and there is inherent beauty in it. It’s the perfect dichotomy of projecting what is being felt against what wants to be felt.
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There is a unique comfort in the melancholy expressed through music. Again, those songs provide empathy and give a sense of “you are not alone in what you are feeling.” And that can be empowering.
So the next time you feel like you want to support someone who is in the midst of a cancer journey, perhaps don’t jump to suggesting that they “fight” or be a “warrior.” Be empathetic to what they need. Let them navigate and call the shots. Often, simply our presence is a place to start. And yes, sometimes they may need Sia’s Unstoppable. But what they may really need is Joni Mitchell’s Both Sides Now. And that is a good thing.
The healing power of music…
