We have found in our conversations with parents that they talk about how much they love their children even while they might be in our offices to sort out intense conflicts with them. Not uncommonly, parents have regrets about getting overly harsh or losing their temper with their child. It is understandable to feel frustrated when your child will not do what they need to do, like brush their teeth, get into bed, or any other of a myriad of things a child can decide they want to do their way, not yours. Struggles between you and your child are inevitable, natural, and when handled skillfully, can be important learning moments for everyone.
What makes the difference is the connection between you
While talking with adults who may come to see one of us with painful childhood experiences that are impacting how they are now, it often comes up that they knew their parents loved them, but the actual words were not said. Or that love was conveyed as conditional upon good behavior or high grades or whatever else the parent may have wanted their child to achieve. This leaves a child feeling deeply insecure about the ground beneath them. They do not feel they have the metaphorical, reliable, ever-present place to rest and replenish when facing life’s harder times—failures, disappointments, losses, illnesses, etc.
So, how can you convey that you disagree with your child’s behavior and also that nothing they do will ever shake the steadiness of your love for them?
Here is the simple solution. Tell your child directly, often, and genuinely that, plain and simple, you love them. Three simple words offered at goodbyes, at bedtime, as you take them to the school bus, for no reason at all: “ I love you.” It can be especially sweet when not necessarily called for.
And why do you love them? Just because! Because they are who they are, and that brings you joy even when you are mad at them. Because being mad at each other is part of any loving relationship. The trust in your steadiness that is offered by feeling unquestionably and unshakeably loved allows your child to love other people and to choose people who treat them well, not anyone who mistreats them.
Why don’t we tell our children we love them in direct words?
Some parents were not parented by people who expressed love directly. Other parents may feel that expressing it could spoil their child and make it seem like any behavior is okay. A parent might argue that it is trite and cheesy.
We would argue that it is completely possible to say “I love you” directly and still get angry, set firm limits, and express disappointment. It’s crucial to model that these are not mutually exclusive. Go ahead and be cheesy if that is what it is! The magic of grandparenting, if you are lucky enough to become a grandparent or to have been close to your own grandparents, is often found in that “love you no matter what” that a grandparent can express more freely. There is explicit permission in our society to lavish love on your grandchildren. That makes it easier to do so.
We want to give you permission to explicitly say “I love you” to anyone close to you whom you feel that for. Most especially, do so with your children. They will flourish with your belief in them, with your seeing them as wonderful. There is no better gift to give your child than unconditional love expressed to them in direct words.
