Co-authored by Galit Romanelli
Sunday morning. The kids are asleep. Adam and Lily just woke up and are enjoying a lazy morning. Adam wants to have sex. Lily doesn’t. She’s not in the mood. She’s tired. She’s preoccupied. Doesn’t matter. She loves Adam and truly wants him to be happy, but she just doesn’t want to be sexual now.
Sound familiar?
What would you do?
This is a common situation that we meet every day in the clinic. The situation worsens when the couple’s perception of sexuality is binary: either intercourse or nothing.
In our previous post, we described how sensuality is the bridge between the friends and the lovers in intimate relationships. We believe that the wider the sensuality, the richer the sexuality. The same is true in sex: The wider the sexual playground, the more options for mutual pleasure.
Back to Adam and Lily. Here’s what we would suggest to Adam:
“How about pleasuring yourself next to her?”
Yes, we’re talking about masturbation.
Masturbation Is…
Let’s start with a little exercise.
Complete the sentence:
Masturbation is ________.
What’s your answer?
I, like many men, grew up with masturbation being something you do alone. Sometimes with a sense of guilt or shame. Oftentimes in the context of porn or other external stimulation. It’s not a relational or vulnerable experience.
Women go through a different socialization. As a society, we often frown upon sexual exploration and masturbation for girls and women. We don’t talk about it, and that creates a lot of confusion and shame.
In our Honest Intake sessions, we ask every single partner: Do you masturbate? And if so, do you masturbate next to your partner? This is not a science, but roughly 70% of men say that they masturbate, and maybe 10% next to their partner. With women, the percentage is much lower. Around 20% say they masturbate, and about 5% next to their partner. These numbers suggest that many couples are not including masturbation as part of their joint sexual repertoire.
What is masturbation? It’s the process of exploring your own pleasure. It is the sensual experience of one’s joy and gratification.
Between Intercourse and Nothing
We want to invite consensual, respectful relational masturbation as a viable option for couples.
Imagine Adam and Lily expanding their sexual playground with the possibility of relational masturbation: exploring their own pleasure next to their partner. That opens another space to meet as lovers. A third way, somewhere between intercourse and nothing.
Exploring your pleasure next to your partner has several benefits. First, it cuts the emotional umbilical cord, allowing you both to be true to your individual desires without having to be coerced out of them. The fact that your partner wants sex doesn’t necessarily mean that you need to supply it. After all, your partner’s wish is not your command.
Relational masturbation allows your partner to discover a different side of you. They witness another dimension of your pleasure, sensuality, and sexuality. Novelty is sexy. When you bring more dimensions of yourself, your partner will feel free to bring more of themselves too. This effect compounds, creating new, exciting sensual and sexual discoveries.
Finally, it lowers pressure, which is known to be a libido killer. Relational masturbation helps you own your sexuality, and releases your partner from feeling responsible for your pleasure. No one is forced, shamed or pressured into something they don’t want. This creates a positive association with sex.
How to do it?
Imagine Adam saying: “Lily, I’m horny and would love to be sexual with you. If I can’t be sexual with you, I’d love to be sexual with myself. Is that cool with you?”
Lily has a couple of options.
She can say a positive no, and that’s fine. Adam thanks her for being honest and precise. He can either decide not to, spoon her if she wants, or move away and pleasure himself (which is what most couples do anyway).
Masturbation Essential Reads
She can say fine and go back to sleep. She can say, “I’m happy to watch.” She can caress him. She can even give him a hand. So many options.
Imagine the freedom they would gain by having the option of being sexual next to each other. They’ve moved from a binary lose-lose situation to an exciting win-win with many options, just by expanding the sexual playground beyond intercourse.
Where do we start?
Be generous. Make sure your lover feels loved and respected. Invest not just in your sex life, but also as friends and partners.
Talk about it. Galit always says that sex is communicating without clothes. Start the discussion about relational masturbation before the sexual encounter, fully dressed, when the stakes are low. After all, when our clothes are off, our defenses are up. Explore your core beliefs about masturbation and get curious about how you might benefit from expanding the sexual playground.
Know what you like. This is a prerequisite for relational masturbation. You need to own your sexuality and your pleasure. Not sure what you actually like? Never masturbated before? That’s great. Get curious. Become the best lover you’ve ever had.
Start slowly. After you ask for consent, slowly start exploring your body. It doesn’t have to be sexual. It doesn’t have to be genital masturbation. Find what feels good next to your partner. Let your partner be privy to seeing you meeting yourself. David Schnarch taught us that intimacy is the process of meeting oneself in the presence of the other. Meeting yourself sensually is a way of revealing more of yourself and deepening your intimacy.
Drop the expectations. Let your partner witness your pleasure without any expectations to engage or reciprocate.
We believe that choice is the new relational hope. By daring to pursue our pleasure within our relationship, we will begin to feel more free together.
Galit Romanelli is a certified relationship coach, Ph.D. candidate in gender studies, and co-creator of The Remarriage Roadmap.
