“They should see it. It’s good for them.”
Some dysfunctional families believe that children need to learn about and be exposed to what they call “real life.” Perhaps, as children, the adults weren’t protected from family chaos and believe everyone should have the same experiences. Maybe they think it will make the children tougher. Or maybe the problematic behaviors are so normalized that they seem like no big deal.
When family members choose to move away from the dysfunction, literally or figuratively, another question may come later: How much should they expose their own children to?
In healthy families, relatives will generally respect each other’s parenting choices. This includes everything from dietary restrictions and screen time to values and disciplinary practices. They may not agree with the parents’ approach, but they accept the rules. They understand that it is up to them to make the best decisions for their children.
In toxic families, relatives may disregard these rules. They may see little to no harm in exposing children to the patterns that make the family toxic in the first place. They may not value rules and structure or see the problem in putting children in compromising positions with behaviors and activities that are not age-appropriate. It may go as far as exposing children to unsafe or abusive adults, violence, and substance abuse.
That is not to say that the negative exposure is always intentional. Some relatives may be so accustomed to the chaos that they are unable to recognize that anything is wrong. However, others may see it as a necessary life lesson for their “sheltered” younger relatives.
Regardless of the intention, it does not eliminate the potential impact on children.
It is pertinent to protect children from dangers such as unsecured firearms, abusive relatives, or substance misuse. Other situations may leave parents with ambiguity about what to do.
You may value family time and want your children to have a relationship with their relatives. However, you may have your own boundaries about how much time you want them to spend with your family and the nature of that time. Choosing this for your children can be complicated.
Keep in mind that having some flexibility is good for kids. Resilient children have fewer behavioral problems, higher social functioning, and better academic outcomes later in life.1
Questions to Ask Yourself
What am I protecting my children from?
Be specific in your answer. Are you worried about their physical or emotional safety? If safety is on the line, there is no question. Protecting your children is the priority, even when enforcing that decision is difficult.
Is it a difference in parenting preferences?
Time with cousins who may have fewer restrictions on screen time or later bedtimes may be frustrating, but is unlikely to cause long-term harm. You can address an occasional disruption to your routine when you return home.
If you experienced childhood trauma, it may be tempting to fall into black-and-white thinking, but decisions do not have to be all or nothing. Get creative. Maybe it’s a daytime visit with cousins without the sleepover.
Are there safe adults around?
The only safe adult may be you or your spouse, but sometimes there are other relatives that are willing and ready to step into the gap. There may be circumstances where you are forced to leave your children with relatives. Are there other people in the family who will respect your limits and look out for your children? Will they agree with you privately but be able to stand up to problematic relatives?
Look to someone who is not afraid to hold the line when another family member objects. Lean on the person who will follow through and call you when a problem arises.
How do my children respond to these visits?
When you expose your children to your dysfunctional family, how do they respond? Are they confused and question the behaviors? Do they know your household values and where things deviate?
Family Dynamics Essential Reads
Listen to your child’s report of interactions that may have made them uncomfortable. Do they describe being afraid, teased, pressured, or told to keep secrets? Or did they have a positive, enjoyable time?
Your child’s experience may not mirror your own. Some toxic parents may mature and grow into stable grandparents. Others don’t and sustain the same problematic and abusive habits.
Are you looking at your family through wounded eyes? Or has the environment changed enough for you to feel secure in bringing your children around?
Different Strokes for Different Folks
You do not have to decide about every relative or every gathering all at once. You can make those decisions on a case-by-case basis. As a parent, you have the right to decide who your child spends time with, for how long, and under what circumstances. It is all right to discuss and hear out your family’s perspective, but it is ultimately up to you.
Relatives don’t have to like your boundaries, but they should respect them. This is how you break the cycle and keep chaos from passing to the next generation.
