Children often need support finding a way to fix a mistake. You want to encourage your children to ask for help in figuring it out, rather than asking for solutions. Asking for help is a very responsible way to deal with a problem and should be encouraged. The ability to ask for help when needed is an admirable quality in people of all ages. It shows maturity, strong problem-solving skills, and the ability to be thoughtful.
Asking for help is different than expecting to be given a solution. So, when your child approaches you for a solution, help them evaluate the options available or encourage your child to approach an issue from another angle. As a parent, it is very rewarding to hear your child think aloud while trying to solve a problem. Try to engage in this process as often as it presents itself.
When your child comes to you with a problem, don’t fall into the trap of providing the solution. It is natural to want to soothe your child’s hurt feelings and make things better, but doing so provides only a temporary fix. Your first response should be to listen. As therapists, we often hear children say that they don’t talk to their parents about issues because they “won’t understand” or “won’t listen.” Try not to interrupt, do your best to listen, and make it clear that they have your attention when they come to you with a problem. To be a great listener, keep the following skills in mind:
- Don’t talk right away. Instead, make attentive eye contact. There will be time for basic questions later.
- Be patient; don’t rush the story.
- Appear interested, for instance, by nodding your head. Put down the phone and remove any other distractions.
- Pay attention to what is, and isn’t, being said. Your child’s body language may give you some clues. Is your child talking quickly, folding his or her arms, looking down, leaving things out of the story, and so on? Do you detect anxiety, frustration, or even anger?
- Ask for basic clarification when needed.
When your child is done talking, be supportive. For example, say, “Thanks for sharing. It seems like you have a lot going on right now. Let me know if you think I can do anything to help.” Then, based on their response, you can help your child work through the various options they have thought of, and maybe even suggest a few of your own. At this point, you are assisting them in solving their own problem, not telling them what to do. The goal is that if these kinds of discussions go well, you are reinforcing the idea that your child can come to you for support, not just advice.
