This article is the second in a series that provides practical takeaways from three pioneers in family conflict resolution, who, through their decades of experience, have become internationally respected peacemakers and trainers of families and divorce professionals. Click here to read the first article.
Families of gray divorce, which refers to couples 50 and older, often become mired in conflict and struggle with effective communication. Family members can feel pulled to align with a parent or sibling. Not being able to listen to understand each other can lead to emotional outbursts, pain, anger, fights, and becoming estranged.
In recognition of Conflict Resolution Day, which is observed internationally on the third Thursday of October every year, and of the approaching holiday season that promotes giving thanks and peace throughout the world, I spoke with Jacinta Gallant, Canadian family lawyer, mediator, conflict educator, and international trainer.
A former client stopped Jacinta in a grocery store with words that show why her approach works. I’ll share them later in the interview.
Carol Hughes: Looking back over your career, what experiences or realizations led you to believe there was a better way for families to resolve the conflicts of divorce?
Jacinta Gallant: As a lawyer advocate, I had my share of “wins” and “losses,” but soon realized that most families lost in an adversarial justice system. I decided I could no longer use my talent to make things worse, so I became a mediator. In this role, I got to know both “sides” and was able to explore what each family needed for healthy coparenting and better outcomes for children.
This was a pivotal change for my career. I felt far more satisfied, even joyful, in my work. The missing piece arrived with the development of interdisciplinary collaborative practice, which brings together lawyers and mental health professionals to truly meet the needs of each family. Many lawyers are not natural “team” players, but I am—and I find it so rewarding working with other disciplines in a shared mission to support healthy families and communities.
CH: You have studied conflict resolution for decades. What are the important points that family members need to understand about what conflict is and how to resolve it?
JG: I wish the public knew that their choice of lawyer and the approach they take will have a profound impact on their family for a very long time. There are rare occasions when parents or children need the protection of family court. But almost all families don’t. Most parents don’t realize the harm that will come to their family in an adversarial court proceeding, and soon after they decide to separate, they “lawyer up.” I hate that term!
The “family justice” system is built on an adversarial model that applies facts to law and is ill-suited to managing relational dynamics and meeting children’s needs. The best family lawyers will say that therapeutic support is more important than anything else in the early stage of separation. They will acknowledge that it is almost impossible to provide firm and relevant initial advice because more information is needed. Despite this, traditional family lawyers often revert to advocating and focus on protecting their own client. That “zealous advocacy” can ignore the deeper needs of the whole family—especially the children.
CH: At some point, you chose to extend your work beyond helping individual families to writing, teaching, and training other professionals. What inspired you to broaden your reach, and what did you hope would change as a result?
JG: Most family lawyers and judges really care. I thought if I could help train more lawyers in conflict resolution, the families and their communities would benefit. I took time out in 2018 to study the insight approach to conflict, and it changed everything for me. Bringing this to the legal and mental health community has been the most rewarding aspect of my career. Drs. Cheryl Picard and Kenneth Melchin explain the distinguishing features of the insight approach in a paper listed in the references below.
CH: After all you have witnessed and learned over the course of your career, what gives you hope about the future of how families experience and resolve divorce conflict?
JG: I met a client in the grocery store last week, and she said, “It’s happening! You said we would meet someday in the future, and I would be OK. And I am.”
She gave me a hug and was so full of appreciation. What did I do that made the difference? I listened and demonstrated a sincere desire to understand her before giving her any “advice.” I dropped my “know-it-all” mentality (an occupational hazard for lawyers) and harnessed the power of curiosity. My curiosity grounded us both and led to insights.
My clients leave our office feeling better than when they walked in. I now conduct my initial client consultations with more listening, less telling. This leads to better communication and better outcomes.
CH: Your Our Family in Two Homes and Our Family in a Few Homes workbooks emphasize helping families prepare before they begin creating solutions. What have you learned about how preparation shapes families’ experience and resolution of divorce conflict?
JG: In 2019, I asked my clients what it was like to work with me. I wanted to improve their experience. They thought I asked great questions, and they often had better answers after they left my office. They appreciated our deeper (non-law) conversations but often worried about how much it was costing them. And they said they wish they had been better prepared for each stage of our work together.
So, I poured their generous feedback and my emerging understanding of the insight approach to conflict into creating client preparation tools that are now being used with families around the world. The resources are intentionally curious—meant to elicit the client’s own discoveries about themselves at a time when most people are so stressed they have no curiosity!
The preparation engages them in a safe learning experience that opens their minds to more possibilities. They engage in self-reflection without resistance because they can do this on their own time and on their own dime. With this preparation, when they meet with their chosen divorce professional, they feel more grounded and ready to engage. We have had such a positive response that we have created a public version so that every family can access the resources, often before they call a lawyer. Choose a collaborative lawyer or mediator.
To find a therapist, please visit the Psychology Today Therapy Directory.
Copyright 2026. Carol R. Hughes, Ph.D.
