Do you remember being told any of these things as a child? You’re too much: Too loud… too angry… too emotional… too needy… too clingy… too bossy…too aggressive… too sensitive… too whiny… too shy… too talkative… you have too much energy and an overactive imagination.
Did your parents or caretakers ever yell at you to shut up, or to go away, or to stop being a baby? Go to your room until you can have a smile on your face. I can’t deal with you right now.
It can be very painful when the people we depend on give us such messages, telling us we are too much.
“You’re Not Enough”
Alternatively, you may have heard that you were not enough. Were you ever told you were lazy… not living up to your potential… not polite enough… not mature enough… not outgoing enough… not responsible enough… not cooperative enough… not studious enough… too quiet?
Were you pressured to answer questions, to apologize, to explain yourself, or to get off the bench and join the other children?
It can be very painful when the people we depend on give us such messages, telling us we are not enough.
The Impact of Too Muchness and Not Enoughness
Children take words like these very much to heart. Some try valiantly to not be too much, or to be more of what their caregivers demand. Others give up, or defiantly reject the demands.
Gordon Neufeld, the Canadian psychologist known for his book Hold On To Your Kids, co-authored with Gabor Maté, speaks eloquently about this issue of feeling too much or too little. He has helped me be more sensitive to the pain children feel when they feel inadequate or like a burden.
Neufeld explains that being seen as too much or too little conveys to the child that the love they receive is conditional. Love is given or withdrawn based on the child’s behavior in that moment. This is extremely unfair, since we know that this behavior is driven by emotions that are not under the child’s conscious control. Children can’t make themselves just right—not too much and not too little—even if the punishment is loss of love and affection. Parents often insist that they are not withdrawing love, they are just responding to a problem behavior. But the child’s inner experience is that the love has vanished and may never return.
It is unconditional love that provides the conditions for maturation and development. One of Neufeld’s best-known quotes is: “Children must never have to work for love; they must rest in it.” A prime example of having to work for love is when children must try hard not to be too much or not enough.
I would add that when love is conditional in this way the conditions are almost impossible for children to meet. Be quiet but not too quiet. Tell me how you feel, but in a nice way. Care about how you look but don’t care too much. Be smart but not a smart aleck. Don’t be bossy—or too timid. Don’t sit around like a lump on a log—or jump around climbing the walls. Be afraid of strangers and cars, but don’t be full of fears. How is this possible?
How to Break the Pattern
Of course, our own parents, teachers, and caregivers are not the only ones who have ever said these hurtful things. You’ve probably said some of them to your own kids—I know I have. How do we heal from the ways we were hurt by too muchness and not enoughness, and how do we avoid passing them down to another generation?
The first step is to break the habit of repeating these same messages to ourselves—which we often continue long after we have grown up. That internalization of being too much or too little is what creates such a negative long-term impact.
My favorite technique for breaking this habit is to write a letter to anyone who gave you the idea that you were too much or too little. This is not a letter to send, it is only for yourself. After all, they might have passed away, and they are certainly in a different stage of life than they were when they said these things to you. The healing that is necessary is within yourself. Of course, if people in your life are still telling you that you are too much or not enough, then by all means tell them to stop. In this letter, however, the point is to write how the messages affected you, and to speak up for yourself—asserting strongly that you are just right and deserve unconditional love.
If you prefer, you can write the letter instead to a character that lives inside you: Too Muchness, or Not Enoughness. In this letter you can tell these internal critics they can retire now and leave you alone.
To break the habit of telling your own children that they are too much or not enough, the first step is to catch yourself as you are about to give these messages—or apologize and give yourself a do-over if you don’t catch yourself in time. Before you speak, imagine how the child might take in the next thing you say to them. In the do-over you can use I-statements, such as I feel… or I need… instead of the more typical rejecting language.
If you have the urge to scold children or send children away, opt for a time-in instead, where you reconnect with a hug or a chat or warm empathy. This conveys unconditional love much better than “I love you but…”
Remember that they are not too much, they are not too little, they are just right, and so were you.
