It’s back-to-school season and for college freshman, that means a wave of transition for students and families. It was a a genuine pleasure to discuss the important family dynamics of the college launch with our local television program Good Day DC, and I thought I would share some of the thoughts from our conversation.
Managing the Emotional Transition
When students head off to college, entire family constellation changes. It can feel like the family is shrinking when really, everyone is growing.
Siblings who are still at home are taking up space in new ways and contouring new relationships with each other. There’s more time for one-on-one outings and experiences, and the rhythms of family life are evolving and full of opportunity.
If you are struggling to adjust, keep in mind that change, even healthy change, is uncomfortable because it is unfamiliar. Adaptive healthy changes are an adjustment; but challenge yourself to embrace the change.
Try starting a new hobby or return to an old one. Find new ways to place your energy. Keep in mind that our kids worry more about us than we realize and contact with our college students should be about what works for them, not what works for us.
The college launch is ultimately a moment when two different things are true at the same time: If you are not hearing from your college student as much as you expected, that is healthy—they are launching and this is necessary growth. And if your student is homesick, this isn’t a sign that they aren’t ready for college. It’s often a sign that they came from meaningful relationships and are adjusting. Besides, homesickness is almost always temporary.
As family therapists, we emphasize the ability to stay connected while also becoming your own person. College is one of life’s great opportunities to practice exactly that. The healthiest families aren’t the ones who never miss each other. They’re the ones who can stay deeply connected while giving one another room to grow.
Parents and College Kids: How Much Communication is Healthy?
Families often focus on how much to communicate. That’s a quantity question, but we need to focus on quality.
We need to ask our college-bound kids what they think will work for them and how we can support them. We need to keep in mind that for most them, texting is communicating and we need to honor and embrace this mode if texting is the main way they want to stay in touch.
It can help to keep in mind that connection and independence are not opposite concepts. Strong relationships make independence easier for our kids.
Think about it: We parents basically spend 18 years teaching our children how to leave us. That’s actually the job. Success isn’t measured by how often your child calls home. It’s measured by whether they know home is a secure place they can return to while building a life that’s increasingly their own. We need to encourage roots and wings—and if we do not celebrate our college students’ wings, we may badly damage their roots.
Another way to think about the transition is that, if all goes well, you’re gradually moving away from being your child’s manager and toward becoming one of their greatest consultants.
The goal isn’t to help your child need you less or more. The goal is to help them know they can need you differently.
A Practical Sendoff Gift for College Freshman
A friend with children older than mine gave me some wonderful advice, encouraging us to surprise our college bound daughters with tool kits for their dorm rooms. Hammers, nails, screwdrivers—these are practical handy items that emerging adults can and should learn to use for themselves. A tool kit is also a metaphorical gift that communicates a healthy, encouraging message to your college student: “You have the tools, we believe in you, you got this!”
