There is a quiet myth many of us have inherited that goes something like this: true intimacy means sharing everything with one another, all the time and in real time. We are told that withholding is dangerous, calculative, and even manipulative. While there is some truth to this (depending on the context and content), the full picture is more nuanced.
But… aren’t we supposed to share everything? Not really. I often invite my clients to imagine their relationship as a garden; we all agree that a garden needs watering to thrive. But what happens when we water too much, or without regard for what the plants can hold?
The reality is that not everything we think needs to be spoken. Not every feeling is ready to be shared. Not every moment requires a verbal unpacking. In fact, flooding your partner with a constant stream of unfiltered thoughts or raw emotions can sometimes lead to emotional fatigue or withdrawal, especially when the sharing is not reciprocal or purposeful.
Cultural Context and Communication Styles
One of the most common dynamics I see (especially in intercultural relationships but it can happen in any relationship, at home or even at work) involves a mismatch in communication styles. This is more pronounced when one partner comes from what we call a low-context culture in social psychology, where meaning is conveyed primarily through words. In these cultures, speaking openly and directly is associated with honesty, autonomy, respect, and clarity. The more we say, the clearer we are and the more we care.
The other partner may come from a high-context culture where much of the meaning lives in the unsaid. Nonverbal cues, tone, timing, and relying on shared understanding carry more weight. Speaking less is not about withholding but about trusting that what is essential will be felt and understood without spelling it out at all times.
Processing Styles
Another common scenario is when one person talks to think and the other thinks to talk. In other words, one is an external processor and the other is more of an internal processor.
When any of these two worlds meet in a relationship, misunderstandings can arise. The low-context communicator or an external processor may feel neglected or shut out. The high-context communicator or an internal processor may feel flooded, exhausted, or emotionally cornered.
One partner may think, “You never tell me what you’re feeling.”
While the other thinks, “You are constantly talking at me, and I can’t breathe.” “Why do you need to spell out everything?”
Neither is wrong. They are simply speaking different relational dialects. I am sure you are thinking that somewhere in between will be a good place to be. Now, the question is how.
It is not as difficult, but you need to first change your belief that everything needs to be spoken about and it has to be with your partner (there are plenty of other people who can hold space and process with you) and second, develop some skills.
Here are some questions to ask yourself before you share something with your partner next time you are around them or pick up your phone to call or text them:
- How am I feeling right now? (Just pause for a few seconds.)
- Have I processed this enough to speak with clarity, not just intensity?
- Am I sharing to connect, or to discharge my own discomfort?
- Is my partner in a space to receive this?
- Do I understand how my partner prefers to give and receive communication?
When we pause to reflect on these questions, we move from flooding to watering. We offer our words like a steady stream, not a crashing wave.
Happy watering your relationships.
