Many people going through grief, infertility, loss, or prolonged stress find themselves quietly withdrawing from family gatherings, holidays, baby showers, weddings, and even casual get-togethers. Often, this is explained in terms of not wanting to get triggered. That explanation is valid. Triggers are real, and the emotional pain can be sharp, sudden, and last for hours. Framed this way, stepping back can feel like a very good form of self-care.
On the flip side, when fertility treatment or prolonged stress stretches on for years, loneliness and isolation emerge, and a different kind of stress takes hold. But for many people, that is only part of the story.
Underneath the trigger, a question is often hiding in plain sight. Is it the situation itself that feels like too much, or is it the fear of what it might activate inside you once you are there?
Feeling overwhelmed and unsure of how long it will take to recover afterward can be hard to manage, not only because of the emotions themselves, but because of where the mind goes next. Thoughts begin to spiral. Sometimes into failure. Sometimes into not being good enough. Sometimes into feeling singled out by the unfairness of it all. Once the mind goes there, there is no clear way back to the surface. It’s a terrible way to feel because, in those moments, we tend to believe our most biased thoughts. We gather evidence, stew on it, and let it take over. This is why avoidance can feel like relief. It reduces the risk of an emotional rupture.
Beneath Avoidance
What is being tested in these moments is your confidence in your own emotional capacity. Can you trust yourself to get through what might happen internally once you are triggered?
If you have been avoiding gatherings lately, one honest question can help clarify what is happening.
Am I avoiding this because it’s truly not right for me, or because I don’t trust my ability to recover if I get overwhelmed?
There is no wrong answer.
If the answer is I don’t trust my recovery right now, that is not a reason for shame. It is information. It tells you what needs care.
Rebuilding Trust in Your Emotional Capacity
The work here is not simply learning to tolerate triggers, but rebuilding confidence in your ability to come back to center after you have been knocked sideways. That trust returns through lived experience. Making it through hard moments. Patient learning, again and again, as confidence slowly rebuilds.
Trust also returns through boundaries. Not as avoidance, but as structure. Boundaries help the nervous system feel safe enough to stay present. When you set flexible boundaries, you reinforce what helps you stay regulated. You build internal safety so that emotions do not take over the whole room.
Sometimes boundaries are interpersonal. Declining intrusive questions while remaining engaged. Naming emotional limits. Letting go of the sense of obligation to provide updates. Allowing others to have their reactions, even disapproval, without taking responsibility for managing them.
Over time, the question becomes simpler.
What boundaries would help me stay connected to myself first, and then to my community at large?
Under what conditions might attending become possible again?
These questions move you from avoidance toward support. Each time you create a container that keeps you regulated, you deepen your trust in yourself to be there for yourself.
Avoidance Is Not Always a Problem to Fix
Importantly, this doesn’t mean pushing yourself into situations you are not ready for. The goal is not forced exposure or going anyway and toughing it out.
Sometimes not going is wisdom.
Sometimes not going is necessary.
Sometimes it is the most self-respecting choice you can make.
At the same time, ambivalence matters. Actively avoiding something because you are not ready is also information. Two things can be true at once. One part of you may be protecting yourself by staying away, while another part quietly wishes things could be different. That quiet wishing matters. Over time, creative solutions can emerge through empowerment, agency, and owning your own reality.
Infertility Essential Reads
Paying attention to what conditions would make attendance feel possible is a way of working with yourself rather than against yourself. Each moment you reflect on how to care for yourself is growth. And sometimes, that is enough.
