One of the most common emotions divorced parents experience, especially the spouse who was the lower- or non-earning spouse during the marriage, is tension around money. Whether there’s not enough of it or a parent believes they’ve been treated unfairly financially, it can change both the tone and the operation of the household.
Kids are perceptive and pick up on these kinds of changes easily. As a parent, it’s up to you to shield them from conflict while ensuring they live in reality. Though I’m a family law attorney, I was also once a newly divorced mom of four school-aged kids (now grown) who faced similar challenges. These are my tips for easing household tension around money after divorce.
Discuss Money in Honest, Age-Appropriate Ways
When kids come to you and ask if they can have their birthday party at the skating rink this year instead of in the backyard, or ask if you can buy them the latest (and very expensive) designer sweatshirt you know will be out of style in a few months, and it’s not in your budget, say so. But in a gentle way, one that’s appropriate for the child’s age.
This is not the time or place to talk about how this is all their other parent’s fault, or that their other parent should pay for it, even if you believe this to be true. Those kinds of comments can only cause the child to resent the other parent, not to mention resent you, which inevitably reflects back on the child and makes them feel bad for a whole host of reasons.
The same goes for admonishing the child for asking, even if you think they should understand your family’s financial picture. Understanding is not the same as acceptance, and it’s up to you to reframe what they are perceiving as negative as something positive. That begins with setting or reinforcing clear expectations about what’s going on in the household.
Set Clear Expectations About Financial Changes at Home Post-Divorce
How well you frame your post-divorce financial circumstances will go a long way toward setting a positive tone in your home, even as you cut back on spending in certain areas. Call it a period of adjustment. Refer to it as temporary. Let your children know that circumstances can improve, and that budgeting and saving up for the extras can make them more meaningful.
Additionally, invite your children to get creative, perhaps by coming up with the weekly grocery list and recipes that make use of the items you already have at home, or by reimagining pantry staples. Have everyone pitch in with cleaning so you can reallocate the money for a house cleaner to something else far more necessary or enjoyable, perhaps a family outing or vacation. Budgeting, saving, and enjoying the fruits of it, including the sense of stability taking control of your situation brings, can be fun for the entire family as well as benefit everyone in it.
Create a Sense of Stability Even When Finances Have Changed
While inviting children to get involved is helpful in stabilizing what divorce may have destabilized, a sense of safety will ultimately come from the top—you. No matter how much you scrimp and save, how hard you work, or how much you plan, you may still find yourself feeling insecure, bad about yourself, and angry, given your current circumstances.
This is understandable, and if your kids see you this way or ask why you’re not having a good day, explain to them that you’re human, that everyone has difficult moments, and that the goal should be to honor those emotions as you move through them. In this way, you’re modeling emotional regulation and coping skills for your children.
Though you want to limit them from seeing you at your most vulnerable, it won’t always be possible. That’s OK. Seeing you this way lets your kids know that feeling a range of emotions is natural and that they can express how they’re feeling, too, without always having to put on a strong face.
Keep Children Out of Adult Financial Conflict
Because kids are so astute, including young children, they will know if you and their other parent are fighting, even if you don’t do it in front of them. They may overhear you talking about an argument with someone else or simply pick up on your mood after communicating with your ex. As much as you can, keep your children out of adult conflict.
Should it happen in front of them, do your best to diffuse the situation peacefully and table the conversation for another time. Your children learn conflict resolution skills from you. And if you demonstrate that you are incapable of having a conversation without screaming, calling someone names, or engaging in histrionics, or, on the other hand, are willing to allow someone to berate you and otherwise treat you badly, your children will learn that, too.
So, ask yourself how you would want your children to react if their children were watching. What would you tell them to do? Whatever your answer would be, tell yourself the same thing. And remember, though money might be getting you down and be something you can’t completely control (at least not yet), your relationship with money and how you manage your emotions around it is.
