Many years ago, I completely forgot it was Mother’s Day. However, since I called my mother regularly, I still happened to call her that day.
We spoke for about 20 minutes, and just as I was about to hang up, my mother said, “Aren’t you going to wish me happy Mother’s Day?” Like a deer caught in headlights, I was completely caught off guard and replied, “Mom, I am so sorry! I can’t believe I forgot.”
Now, some mothers would have been insulted, hurt or angry. My mother? Here’s what she said: “You don’t need to be sorry! Your call is even better. You called me because you just wanted to talk to me rather than it being an obligatory holiday call.”
I will never forget that. It was such an important lesson.
What happens in life is much less important than the meaning we ascribe to what happens—or “the story we tell ourselves.” And when it came to my relationship with my mom, I could always count on her giving me the benefit of the doubt. Her lenses were rosy. The feeling was mutual. My mom was the best.
Some mothers and adult children aren’t as fortunate. For a variety of reasons, parental estrangement is very common these days. And regardless of the causes of the cutoffs, holidays like Mother’s Day can be painful for both.
But as I sit here and think about the menu for my Mother’s Day brunch tomorrow, I started to feel sad for all the mothers out there who have been cut out of their children’s, and often grandchildren’s, lives.
When loss happens through a loved one’s death, friends and family huddle, support and hug. But when loss happens due to hurtful and often devastating withdrawal, who is around to soothe the grief?
Sometimes people become despondent each year around the time of their loved one’s death. Therapists refer to this as the “Anniversary Blues.” People often say that even when they lost sight of the fact that the anniversary was quickly approaching, they somehow had been feeling down in the dumps during that time for “no apparent reason.” That’s how powerful subtle reminders can be.
There is nothing subtle about the reminders about Mother’s Day. Stores overflow with flowers and cards, there are endless ads on television, and happy family gatherings—for everyone else. When adult children are estranged, Mother’s Day is an occasion many wish would just go by without fanfare.
If you are a mom who is sad because more than anything, you’d like to be a family again, here’s to you. You may not have been a perfect mom; none of us are. Go do something nice for yourself. Honor yourself tomorrow. Focus on what’s good in your life. Surround yourself with people who love you. I raise a half-full glass to you. Cheers.
