“I’m so happy for you, but why am I crying?”
There are some parents who truly grieve over their children leaving home for the first time to attend college or other career opportunities. For others, it can be an emotionally taxing time for them. Instead of focusing on their feelings, other parents typically say things to them, such as:
- “You should be happy that your kids are leaving.”
- “Go on a vacation, you need to celebrate.”
- “Good for you, I can’t wait until my kids leave.”
- “You’re an empty nester.”
As a society, why don’t we focus on recent empty nesters’ feelings?
By the time our children become teenagers and enter 12th grade, many of us are ready for them to leave home, at least we think that we are ready. For various reasons, the teenage years can be a very challenging time for most parents. When a child is graduating from high school and ready to leave home for the first time, it’s no wonder why other parents are in awe of you and celebrating even if you do not feel like doing so – yet. Those other parents do not know the challenge of how it feels to know that your former little baby is going away for good – and that the relationship, the household, and your role as a parent will never be exactly the same again.
It’s “the same again” part that bothered me when my first child left home to attend college. Believe me, I can relate. The minute that I arrived home after dropping my child off to college, I was sad. Sad does not mean a lack of happiness for your child at all. It’s the start of their independent lives, which is worth celebrating; however, the change hurts your heart. It feels empty and confusing, and functioning again without that child’s daily presence is a new learning process. I had to find “me” again, and I will teach you how to do it.
- Acknowledge Your Sadness. Give yourself permission to grieve. Despite other parents’ admiration of you for your new independence, stay within your feelings until they return to a typical response. This may last for a while and/or until the time that you see your child again. Unless you present with sadness that interferes in your daily living, I want you to grieve. You’re not grieving because your child is gone, but because the way that you experience your child has changed, and that does hurt.
- Respect Their Boundaries. I know that you want to speak to and see your child, but if you have attended college or know what it’s like to leave home for the first time, you know it’s important to respect their time. Try not to reduce your own anxiety by becoming an umbrella parent now that they are on their own. That’s not fair to them or you and does not allow them to become independent adults. For example, they need to learn how to solve problems on their own. They will let you know when you are needed and, believe me, you are the most important person to them in that time of need. Allow them some space to come to you.
- Trust Your Child: You raised them. I know you’re probably thinking, “It’s the world that I don’t trust,” and that’s completely understandable. But it’s important to avoid pushing our anxiety onto them and allow them freedom so they can become productive adults. If you’ve been allowing them some freedom all along, by the time they’re 18-years-old, you’ll realize you were actually raising an adult in preparation for this moment! You did it!
Despite this pivotal moment in your life, others may still try to distract you from feelings of loss by saying things such as, “They will be just fine in college” or “You were fine when you left home” which always struck a nerve with me. For new empty nesters, I replace that with,
“Tell me what scares you the most?”
If I had to guess, the answer would be, the “unknown” or not knowing what they’re doing all of the time while they are not in your sight. I agree, that’s the scary part in this entire episode of emotions that new empty nesters feel. But you will come to terms with it. Trust your child until you have a reason not to do so, then you will react as needed. Parenting never stops, but changing how you parent does matter at this stage. Find other things to do with your newly found time that will allow you to decrease your worry.
- Find Your Balance: This is a very important step because finding your balance helps to restore your peace, which in turn, allows you to embrace the experience. Your parenting skills have allowed your child to attend college. That’s a huge milestone in both of your lives. Be proud of the adult that you have raised. Celebrate that your parenting skills, guidance, and wisdom have led them to pursue higher education and other careers. Parents do not give themselves enough credit, and this is your time to shine too. You are also a role model for other parents. You have learned the dos and don’ts of children leaving home for the first time. It’s perfectly fine to honor this journey even if you still feel sad at times. The key is to find the right balance to offset the sadness. Understand that not being sad does not mean that you care less about your child leaving home. What it means is that you are starting to adjust to the outcome of your parenting skills, and that’s a wonderful feeling.
- It’s a New Life, Embrace It. You must adjust and remove obstacles that get in the way of your own life satisfaction. Seek to find what else could be causing you not to embrace this new time in your life, such as:
- The need for new and supportive friends
- Watching social media posts of parents showing happiness as empty nesters
- Needing to consult with therapists when sad, but avoiding it
- Succumbing to negative comments from others
While finding balance, remember that sometimes sadness breeds negativity. If that’s the case, speak to a therapist who can help you. Your sadness can settle, especially if you remove things that may negatively affect your happiness.
Adulting is hard!
To find a therapist, visit the Psychology Today Therapy Directory.
