When people think of neglect, they often imagine a child in a run-down apartment in dirty clothes, with the absent parent finishing a double shift so that they can barely make the rent payment. People rarely think of a child who lives on the nicer side of town, with a room full of toys and a house neatly appointed. But more and more, modern culture is pushing families off balance, and neglect is appearing in the unlikeliest of places.
Cheryl is 11 years old and really loves her phone. Her mom is gone almost all the time, spending many hours at the church volunteering or meeting with the PTA to discuss the fall carnival. With Dad working 10-hour days at the hospital, she’s had a lot of time to binge on TikTok, text about school gossip with her classmates, and play games online with “friends.” She spends an hour with her after-school math tutor and then heads home to lounge in her beautifully remodeled bedroom, where she can try on outfits from her large closet for school the next day. She sees her mother for a rushed dinner, during which her parents talk to each other, not her, about bills and schedules, things she doesn’t care about. The family is planning to send her on a school-sponsored ski vacation over the upcoming long weekend. Her father promised her a new car if she kept her grades up. Cheryl goes to bed at night feeling a sense of loss she can’t quite put her finger on.
If this is a consistent pattern, Cheryl may be suffering from an often unacknowledged form of harm: emotional neglect. Clothes, toys, lessons, and vacations are not substitutes for meaningful time together or for the moments of emotional attunement that children need.
Culprit 1: The thirst for accomplishment
Modern culture places great value on accomplishment and ambition, seemingly more so than time spent with family. In years past, there was ample time for two working parents to spend time with children on the way to school or work and in the evening. Now, much of that time is being squeezed out by soccer games, practice, and violin lessons. Researchers have shown that enrichment, after a certain point, does not improve academic outcomes and is correlated with negative mental health (stress, anxiety, and depression).1,2
Guarding family time is difficult when a parent feels pressure to push their child toward excellence. They are bombarded with messages about the sacrifices people have to make to be extraordinary. Although the desire for a child’s success is understandable, it often comes at the expense of time spent with family. Coaches, teachers, and therapists are a part of a child’s life, but they are not substitutes for a loving caregiver who is deeply invested in the child over the long haul.
Culprit 2: Parents with too many activities
Many parents fill their lives with activities in the same way they fill their children’s lives with violin lessons and tutoring appointments. While this may be partly about a parent’s need for accomplishment, other explanations may apply. Because of their own childhood experiences, a parent might be more comfortable in an environment that is less taxing or that they can more easily control. For example, it may be easier to help sort boxes of school supplies for donation at an outreach center than deal with an emotional 10-year-old who is having anger issues. It may be more comfortable to let the screens distract rather than take on a difficult parenting conversation.
Culprit 3: Excessive screen use
You’ve seen it in line at the grocery store—a 2-year-old with a tablet, stabbing at the colorful images on the screen while the mom scrolls through Instagram. The 7-year-old boy who is given a movie to watch in the restaurant while the family eats dinner while the parents talk to each other, not to him. Understandably, modern parents are tempted to use screens to entertain the kids and find a quiet moment. Like candy, a limited amount of screen use is perfectly fine. However, excessive screen time has been shown to have detrimental effects on social and emotional growth (including mental health conditions such as anxiety and depression) and has been shown to be related to worse executive functioning and academic performance.3,4
Some have pointed to the negative content available online as a culprit, but an often-ignored element of excessive screen time is what it’s replacing. In decades past, when screens were not available to entertain a child, parents had many opportunities to engage—in line at the grocery, at restaurants, and during the preparation of dinner. But when screens are used excessively, those opportunities are more limited. It is difficult to compete with the draw of the screens or say “no,” when all their friends are using screens so liberally. The child is denied meaningful human attention and provided a colorful robot substitute or distant “friends” they’ve never met instead.
Culprit 4: Too many things
Ours is a consumption-based economy around which our social lives are increasingly organized. Acquiring things, and often the best of things, is a well-documented trend. “Things” in and of themselves are not problematic. Possessions can become a problem if they substitute for moments of human connection and time together. It goes without saying that things cannot replace relationships, but there is little doubt that they can be reinforcing in the moment. A new boat or a fun dress can be exciting, but too much of a good thing can undermine family life.
What’s the balance?
Although it’s important to give your child age-appropriate challenges and struggles (like soccer games and math tests), it’s also important to carve out unstructured time with your child. Fifteen minutes in the car traveling to wrestling practice while a toddler is screaming in the seat beside them, or an interaction with your child when you’re giving out reminders to do homework or clean out the school backpack, aren’t the right types of settings for a deeper, emotionally attuned conversation. What is needed is time when you and your child can stop the hurried pace of life for an hour and just talk with each other.
You might find this practically impossible given the demands of modern life, but there are some handy workarounds that can help you fit quality time into the week. It’s actually helpful to share a menial or mundane task. For example, folding laundry together could provide an opportunity to ask about what’s going on in science class or how their friends at school are doing. Planting or weeding in the garden together could give the child a chance to talk about something that’s bothering them. Focusing on a repetitive task is actually helpful when a child has trouble talking about their feelings and struggles. The added benefit of your child being asked for help with chores raises self-esteem, as the child feels they are an essential part of the household’s functioning.
Parents must not forget how important they are to their child and that there is, in the end, no substitute for a primary caregiver’s attention, interest, and love. Finding time to prioritize time with their child is key.
