I have noticed that many of my clients face different versions of the same recurring interpersonal problem. Each time it occurs, they treat it as if it were unexpected and something entirely new. Or, if they realize that they are in a familiar dilemma, they wonder: “Why does this always happen to me?”
One of the things that I do for my clients is teach them to look for what all the different instances have in common and what role they are playing in creating similar issues with different people. Basically, I teach them to think more like a therapist.
How Do Therapists Discover the Underlying Patterns?
As I listen to my clients talk about problems in therapy, I look for any issues that seem to repeat in different forms. I am usually able to see the underlying connections quite easily even though my client cannot. Then I ask a series of questions to encourage the self-reflection that I will help my client explore how the separate instance might be part of one underlying pattern of sensitivities.
Looking for Something that Ties All the Instances Together
- Common Factors: What do the situations have in common? A type of situation? A type of person? Something related to timeing?
- Recurring Theme: Is there a reoccurring theme that unites all of the problems? Being ignored or abandoned? Feeling less than someone else?
- Contributing Factors: What factors makes a negative experience more likely? Lack of sleep? Too much to drink? Presence of a certain family member?
- Protective Factors: What factors seem to minimize the likelihood of a negative experience? The presence of a supportive friend? Walking in nature?
Why Look for an Underlying Predictable Pattern?
If we can identify the underlying issue that keeps popping up in different guises, it can be solved once and for all. What we see on the surface is only the person’s characteristic way of coping with their underlying problem–a problem that they may be unaware of having.
An Example: Jilting Josie
My client Josie said she wanted to get married and have a family. Josie is an attractive young woman with a decent education and a good job. She is meeting and dating lots of young men.
Here is an outline of her dating situation seen as separate and unrelated incidents—which is how Josie views things.
Example 1: Eddie
I went out with him twice and had a good time. But he wanted to see me a third time the same week and I decided not to see him. I suddenly felt claustrophobic. Like he was going too fast and I wanted to put the brakes on.
Me: How fast do you want to go?
Example 2: Jack
I thought Jack was “the One” until the day I didn’t. He actually proposed to me with a ring and everything. I suddenly realized that I did not want to spend the rest of my life with him.
Me: What changed your mind?
Example 3: Mario
Mario had a girlfriend when I met him. I was determined to take him away from her. I didn’t think they were serious. But now that I have him and we are in a settled relationship, I feel a bit bored. He isn’t really interesting to me as a person.
Me: Why not?
Analysis of Pattern
- In Common: The three situations all start with Josie showing interest in dating someone without actually being very interested in the actual person and what makes them a unique individual.
- Recurring Theme: When her boyfriend wants to move to the next level of intimacy, she balks.
- Recurring Response: Josie drops the boyfriend without trying to work on the relationship at all.
- Precipitating Factors: The boyfriend asks for more time together. The request appears to trigger Josie to emotionally detach and withdraw.
- Protective Factors: If Josie is unsure whether
- the man is really interested in her, or if he has a girlfriend for her to compete with, or if he does not want more time or commitment, Josie does not initiate a breakup.
Relationships Essential Reads
Conclusion: Josie is lying to herself and everyone else when she tells people she is ready for marriage and a family. She is not ready.
An Emerging issue
What is really going on with Josie and intimate relationships? Obviously, there is some sort of inner conflict around marriage and commitment. If there were no conflict, her words, her intentions, and her actions would be consistent. But Josie is saying she wants marriage while fleeing all forms of commitment.
Issues relating to intimacy, relationships, and maintaining attachments are likely to become central to Josie’s therapy.
What to Do
If you repeatedly face a problem in some area of your life, you can get to the heart of the matter by taking some simple steps:
Write out different examples of the same problem.
Look at what these examples have in common.
Name the issue.
Work on fixing the underlying issue instead of seeing each instance as an unrelated incident.
