All children, with the guidance of their parents and teachers, have to learn to sort through issues related to obeying rules and respecting others. Like other children, twins often have difficulty following what is expected of them.
It is often harder to parent twins because twins band together to get their own way and develop their own rules. In other words, twins agree verbally and non-verbally to do what they want to do. Together they work out how to “not listen too hard” and handle expectations from authorities. Ignoring rules such as “Do not fight with your brother or sister” is the most common direction that is not followed.
Without a doubt, twin resilience and arrogance to parental expectations causes serious problems for those authorities in charge. Twins are double trouble and enjoy their power.
This brief article will begin to attempt to clarify how twin personality is different from the personalities of single people. Parenting that concerns identity development requires a different approach from what is needed for single infants and children.
What Helps Keep Twins Following Parental and School Standards and Expectations
When parental or school discipline is acknowledged and respected, twins can learn to get along with each other and fit in with the non-twin world. I say this because through their experiences together, twins make their own rules about what is okay and what is wrong and should be avoided in the division of any kind of property or attention. For example, twins share their mother’s womb when they are born. Out in the world, they will cry or fight about who gets nursed or fed first. Hopefully, from their experiences in home life with parents who establish a schedule, they know full well that there will be enough food, attention, and fun to share.
How sharing is carried out is based on parental and/or twin rules about how to divide twin objects, interactions, and activities. Understandably, or inevitably, there is no way to get twins to always follow the rules or use good judgment to avoid problems with each other or with non-twins. Fighting over which twin is right and which twin is wrong never goes away for very long. Competition and comparison make following the rules sometimes impossible. It goes without saying that discipline for twins contains some difficult behavior problems to overcome. Furthermore, parenting twins is just plain exhausting and often confusing. “Who started the problem?” and “Who is making it worse?” are hard to understand and deal with.
Hands-on Approaches to Discipline
There are so many books and magazines with advice for parents on how to control their children’s unacceptable behavior. In general, there is no one way to handle discipline problems. Each child, including twins, is different and will require treatment tailored to their needs to help them calm down. Letting children learn that discipline for off-limit behavior leads to already described consequences, such as no television, computer, or video games, works for me and the families I try to help. The following ideas should be a part of your approach to discipline.
- Following the rules that you establish is essential.
- Be consistent.
- Treat your children as individuals and do not punish a child for what their twin did.
- Use rewards and consequences to enforce your rules.
- Avoid favoritism.
Conclusions
Well-planned discipline takes time, patience, and clear expectations. In contrast, aggressive behavior, hitting, spanking, yelling, or bullying, is not only ineffective but harmful to your child’s identity and self-confidence. Modeling calm behavior (i.e., presenting ideas for acceptable behavior clearly and understandably) will help you and your twins get along with less conflict for everyone. Consequences and rewards are very helpful. I know from my experiences with twins that you should be clear and concise about your standards and expectations. When you are organized and confident in how you make and communicate your rules, you will surely get better results.
Twin confusion and fighting can go on and on. Having a plan to tone it down and manage it is not only very possible but valuable to the entire group of individuals who interact with the twins.
