A question frequently asked in treatment: “What’s the difference between love and obsession?” The former is thought to be pure and meaningful, and the latter to be pathological. Clinically, obsessiveness is defined by intrusive thinking, extreme anxiety, and mental and physical acts meant to silence (or suppress) the thoughts and feelings. I’m sure that sounds like romantic love to you. A fixation on an object, followed by the uncertainty of reciprocity, what we call limerence, and the desperate need to resolve it by searching for hints of affection. Both obsessiveness and love can be exciting, even if distressing, and both can feel as though they’re expressions of short-term suffering for long-term gratification.
Ultimately, in a way, both feel and are often considered to be good. Yet, both are just as often founded on black-and-white thinking. Arguably, then, obsession can be mistaken for love—love’s black-and-white form just being obsession in disguise. Most people think of obsessiveness in the context of germs and other common fears. While it exaggerates everyday worries, it also finds its way into philosophical, or deeper, issues. It provides answers to: Can I overcome my fear of death? Can I feel like my life has meaning? Can I feel certain about my choices? And, can I be loved? Like a virus, obsessiveness can spread anywhere; we may call it a plague of delusion.
But it has markers, which become evident when you know where to look. Obsessiveness is preoccupied with an endpoint and climbs toward it. Thus, when expressed through the form of love, or infatuation, better yet, it finds its object on a higher social plane, meaning the other individual tends to be of higher status. This is an indicator of obsession as its foundation is the excessive and consuming need to prove oneself. In limerence, the object of affection is usually someone considered to be the best, generally. And, we can think of them as an achievement, used symbolically, because it’s the best, to finally prove the obsessive’s value to them and others with an obvious, and therefore, silencing clarity. We can differentiate love from obsessiveness by recourse to the concept of limerence. Limerence resembles most of the obsessive’s other pursuits.
The Ultimate Prize
It’s just like the preoccupation with perfect grades or popularity; it’s the need for an ultimate prize, since it’s believed only it can offer incontrovertible, again obvious, proof. And when it’s discovered that it doesn’t exist in some particular result, the obsessive begins their journey anew, with a new lover or new hobby. The point is their resilience stems from once again creating meaning in a similar endeavor, but with a change of scenery. Love, however, must be something else. If obsessiveness is impatient, love must take its time. If obsessiveness is demanding, love must be humble. If obsessiveness is a pursuit, then love must be an unfolding. If obsessiveness is taxing, then love must be filling. If obsessiveness stems from a deep lack, then love must only be a welcome addition.
Obsessiveness is exciting in the way any other meaningful risk is, which is fine, periodically. But love can’t survive in a state of chronic agitation. With limerence, I even wonder if the obsessive truly wants a resolution. What happens after? In the classic, The Cry for Myth, the existential psychotherapist Rollo May follows up on the fairy tale of Sleeping Beauty. Consumed with boredom, both the prince and beauty eventually become disenchanted with each other and find affection elsewhere. May painted this picture, at least in my interpretation of things, to show us that even fairy tales, if continued, would be consumed by those pesky feelings despite. Sleeping Beauty and her prince, in this telling, were unable to make their marriage work because their ultimate goal in getting married was pure escapism—they wanted to discontinue having to deal with their difficult feelings by evading them completely. And doesn’t that kind of ruin fairy tales, at least a bit? Imagine reading one knowing the ultimate aim is to eliminate all manners of emotional turmoil, at least that related to self-image and attachment.
Obsession implies it can be done. Lastly, if obsession is emotional suppression, then love must be mutual, and emotional regulation. Rather than feeling invincible, love makes you feel supported. This means there’s some foundation of individuality, where life can be lived well without it, at least at times. Limerence, romantic obsession, and co-dependence are all synonyms implying a fantasy. To be clear, it isn’t that fantasies are bad (nor escapism in smaller doses), and it’s obviously reasonable to use them as a template for your goals, as long as you accept that your life will hardly resemble them. It’s the distinction between excellence and perfection. An excellent relationship can overcome emotional hurdles, but it can’t shun them altogether. Therefore, an excellent relationship is harder than you may want it to be. However, overcoming each point of contention is a great way to navigate chronic boredom, as long as arguments aren’t created for the purpose of spicing up your romance.
