I once had a client who seemed to have it all.
A great childhood. A great life. He was in love with his wife, had two beautiful children, and even owned a vacation home in Santa Barbara. He was self-made, wealthy, driven, and deeply passionate about his work. He felt a strong sense of purpose and meaning.
Yet, he was miserable.
He couldn’t understand why.
After multiple sessions, we uncovered something unexpected: He felt completely alone and powerless in the world.
And after many more sessions, we realized why.
The Judgment Trap
Despite his seemingly solid relationship with his wife and kids and his thriving company, this man was deeply disconnected from the people in his life.
Why?
Because he judged everyone.
He judged people on what they wore, what they drove, and how they lived. He judged strangers, his employees, his family—and, most of all, himself.
Harshly.
He had a rigid blueprint of how the world should look and how people should behave. But since reality didn’t match his blueprint, he felt alone.
His world was filled with “shoulds”—and those shoulds were keeping him miserable.
When Judgment Cracks Your World Open
Once we uncovered this, his world cracked open.
It turned out that he didn’t have a healthy relationship with his wife. She walked on eggshells, pretending everything was OK when it wasn’t.
He wasn’t close to his kids.
His employees didn’t know him—and didn’t want to. They worked for him, hoping the company would go public so they could cash out and leave.
So we chased his judgment down—followed the strings of his expectations—and guess where they led?
Straight to fear.
- He judged because he was afraid.
- He judged because if people didn’t fit his mold, it meant something was wrong with him and his so-called perfect world.
- It meant he had chosen the wrong path, placed value on the wrong things.
- It meant his world was false, and his house of cards would come crashing down.
Judgment was his shield, his shell, his bubble.
But the truth?
He was only fighting himself—creating his own anxiety and resisting his own joy.
The Domino Effect of Nonjudgment
Once he realized this, he chose to stop judging. It didn’t happen overnight. It took months.
I coached him on making nonjudgment a daily practice. And after nearly a year, here’s what happened:
- He worked less.
- He and his wife went to couples counseling.
- His employees actually talked to him like a real person.
- His relationship with his kids improved.
- I started seeing wrinkles in his clothes (which, in this case, was a good thing).
He became a real person.
All because he judged less? Of course not. There was a ton of other work. But deciding to let go of judgment was the first domino. It’s what opened the door for him.
Want More Peace? Stop Judging.
If we commit to stopping judgment—if we make it a daily practice—our world opens up. We go from narrow to wide.
And in that open space? There’s room for compassion, love, connection, creativity, and endless possibilities.
The energy of judgment leaks from your body and pollutes the air.
It shows in your face, your eyes, and your energy.
Judgment Is Just a Disguised “Should”
When we judge, we come in loaded. We stamp a giant “should” on whatever person, experience, or situation we encounter.
And in relationships? That’s poison.
Every should is lined with control.
It may not be obvious. But the controlling, judging energy is there. And others will feel it.
Relationships Essential Reads
If you want to create a safe space in your relationship, pay attention to when you judge:
- What she wears
- What she eats
- Who she’s friends with
- How she lives her life
If she wants your opinion, she’ll ask for it. If not, don’t disguise judgment as love.
Love does not come with judgment.
“I love, therefore I judge” is not a thing.
3 Daily Practices to Stop Judging
1. Pull from curiosity.
You can’t judge and be curious at the same time. When you feel judgment creeping in, turn your dial to curiosity instead.
Wonder why someone is doing what they’re doing. Don’t label it. Don’t take it personally.
Curiosity creates distance—and in that space, judgment dissolves.
2. Try to understand before trying to be understood.
Most people focus on being understood first.
Flip that.
If we make the effort to understand others first, we become less judgmental—because we start to see the world through their eyes.
And when that happens? Judgment fades almost instantly.
3. Learn people’s stories.
We judge based on words and behavior. But words and behavior come from stories. When you learn someone’s story, you understand why they act the way they do.
You may still disagree. You may still feel hurt. But understanding makes it easier not to judge.
Remember: You’re not “giving” someone something by not judging them.
You’re allowing yourself to be free.
Want Less Anxiety? Stop Saying “Should.”
If you want to quiet your mind, pay attention to every time you use the word “should”—out loud or, more importantly, in your own head.
- Stop judging everything.
- Stop judging everyone.
- Stop judging yourself.
That means:
- Stop judging your stuff.
- Stop judging your hair.
- Stop judging your weight.
- Stop judging your experiences, your relationships, your life.
Even if you never say it out loud, people feel it.
You feel it.
Judgment doesn’t just live in words—it lives in energy.
And no one wants to be around that.
Judgment doesn’t promote growth. It stunts it.
Judgment doesn’t set you free. It builds your prison.
But when you accept things as they are, you free yourself and everyone around you.
