This is the third in a series focused on recognizing and changing abusive behavior. [See Why Some Victims of Child Abuse Repeat what was Done to Them and Recognizing Abusive Patterns: A Guide to Change].
Because it can be so difficult to realize when you are being abusive, I’ve listed and described some characteristics that can predispose a person to becoming abusive, especially with their partners. These characteristics include:
A strong desire to remain in control
Children who are emotionally, physically, or sexually abused have no control over what is happening to them. They are ordered around, put down, criticized, and shamed. They have their emotional and physical boundaries violated constantly. It is a common reaction for survivors of any type of abuse to overcompensate for this loss of control by becoming overly controlling and domineering. Some consciously think such thoughts as, “No one is ever going to control me again,” but usually the decision is an unconscious one. Many deliberately choose partners they can control; others are unaware that they are attracted to those who allow them to be in control of the relationship.
A tendency to blame others for your own problems
Many of those who were abused as children, especially males, cope with their abuse by utilizing the form of denial called “identifying with the aggressor.” When a young child refuses to acknowledge to himself that he is being victimized but instead justifies or minimizes the behavior of the abuser, he will often grow up to be very much like the abuser, behaving in the same abusive ways.
Once a person has become abusive, they will have even more investment in denying reality. If they were to acknowledge their own behavior and the devastating effect it has on others, they would also open the door to remembering and acknowledging their own victimization—something that seems just too painful for many. Therefore, they blame the victim for their own victimization, thus avoiding any responsibility and any recognition of their own abusive behavior.
A tendency to view oneself as a victim
When a person has a victim mentality, their perception is faulty. No matter how much they are hurting someone else, they can only seem to recognize how much they themselves have been hurt. Due to their own experience of abuse or neglect, they remain forever stuck in the role of the victim—only able to see the harm done to them by other people, completely oblivious to any harm they themselves cause others. Still another reason why those who abuse have a tendency to blame others for their own behavior is the psychological defense mechanism known as projection. The way this works is that as a defense against facing a quality about ourselves we dislike, we project this quality onto someone else.
Difficulty with or an inability to empathize with others
Partly because they remain stuck in the victim role and their perceptions are impaired, those who were neglected or abused as children are often unable to empathize with others or to put themselves in the other person’s shoes. In particular, those who were neglected as children often become aggressive and cruel toward others and have an inability to emotionally “understand” the impact of their behavior on others. They do not understand or feel what it is like for others when they do or say something hurtful. Indeed, adults neglected as children often feel compelled to lash out and hurt others—most typically someone they perceive to be less powerful than themselves. One of the most disturbing elements of this aggression is that it is often accompanied by a detached, cold lack of empathy. They may show regret (an intellectual response) but not remorse (an emotional response) when confronted about their aggressive or cruel behaviors.
A tendency to be jealous and possessive
This tendency stems from feelings of insecurity and low self-esteem caused by having been neglected, abandoned, or abused as a child. Children need nurturing, acceptance, and stability in order to gain a sense of security in themselves and in their environment. When they don’t receive this, they try to gain security from others, particularly their partner. When that security is threatened by real or imagined circumstances, they will react by tenaciously trying to hold onto their partner.
A tendency to be emotionally needy
This characteristic is also caused by feelings of insecurity and low self-esteem. When a child’s emotional needs were not met, they remain hungry for the nurturing, acceptance, and positive feedback that they didn’t receive from their parents. When that child grows up and enters an adult relationship, all those unmet needs resurface. We want our partner to give us what we didn’t get as children, and we become angry, hurt, and demanding when they are unable or unwilling to do so. Even though it is unreasonable to expect our partner to make up for what we didn’t receive as a child, we expect it anyway, and this expectation can lead to serious relationship conflicts. Partners feel put upon and pressured to fulfill our needs, and even those who try gradually become more and more resentful when they come to realize that our needs are never-ending. We become more and more angry and more and more demanding as time goes by until our expectations become abusive.
Sadly, nothing our partner does will ever be enough. No amount of reassurance or sacrifice on our partner’s part will fill up the empty places inside of us. We need to begin filling up the emptiness ourselves. We must begin to meet our own unmet needs.
A repulsion or hatred of weakness
This tendency is related to identifying with the aggressor and is a form of denial. Males in particular have a difficult time acknowledging when they have been victimized, primarily because males are raised to always be tough and strong. When a male is victimized, especially if he is physically or sexually abused, he is likely to feel a great deal of shame because he believes he should have been able to defend himself and prevent the abuse. As a way of coping with these feelings of shame, he may refuse to admit he was victimized or blame himself for his own victimization. When he sees another person who appears to be weak, a unique kind of rage may rise up inside him because this person (unconsciously) reminds him of himself.
If you realize that you have many of these characteristics, instead of just condemning and blaming yourself and becoming overwhelmed with shame, begin to recognize these as symptoms of your problem—symptoms that you can do something about. We’ll focus on some actions you can take to help you curtail these tendencies in my next blog.
