Many of us have been conditioned to see self-care as indulgent, optional, or something we squeeze in only after everything else (or everyone else) is taken care of. It’s also often treated as a reward. Like it’s something to be earned.
Do any of these sound familiar?:
When the project is done, then I’ll take that break.
When the house is clean, then I can rest.
When everyone else is OK, then I’ll check in on myself.
The number one reason I hear from people about why they struggle to look after themselves is guilt. And when do we feel guilty? When we believe we’ve broken a rule. For so many, that rule is this: You can take care of yourself, but only after everything else is done.
Yet the reality is that as adults, our work is never truly done. If we waited until every task was completed, we’d never make time for ourselves at all.
Not long ago, someone asked me, “Don’t you feel guilty for taking the time to look after yourself?”
I looked at them and said, “No, I feel guilty when I’m short with my husband. I feel guilty if I yell at my kids. I don’t feel guilty for taking care of myself and doing the things that keep me feeling regulated and well-resourced. I feel guilty when I don’t do those things because the ones I care about most are caught in the blast radius.”
I’ve had to unlearn this deeply ingrained belief that I have to finish taking care of everything else and everyone else before I can care for myself.
The Importance of Self-Care
Self-care isn’t selfish; it’s an act of self-stewardship. Tending to our own needs and looking after ourselves is necessary for being able to manage life’s demands. Yet, when it comes to self-care, we often break a lot of promises to ourselves. Rebuilding that trust and honouring the promises we make to ourselves matters.
Done well, self-care improves:
Self-care looks like caring for all aspects of ourselves—on a physical, emotional, intellectual, social, environmental, occupational, financial, and spiritual level. This empowers us to show up more balanced and better for ourselves and the people counting on us.
5 Guiding Principles for Real, Restorative Self-Care
- Boundaries: Decide how much access others have to your time, energy, and attention. I like to think of them as a life-enhancing system of yeses and nos. Ask yourself: Where do I need some guardrails to be able to show up how I want to be showing up?
- Compassion: Allow for flexibility based on your energy, capacity, and season of life. Be present with yourself, meet yourself where you’re at without adding pressure or guilt, and let your practices evolve as your needs change.
- Values: Are your self-care practices in alignment with what matters most to you? There’s a lot of noise out there, and it can be easy to get caught up in trends or what you think you should be doing or ought to be doing, but you are your own expert here. Find practices that genuinely restore you and help you show up in a way that feels value-aligned.
- Power: Personal agency matters. Your self-care works best when you have choice and ownership over it. It’s not just about following someone else’s checklist or doing something because someone told you to. It’s important that it makes sense for you. You get to decide how, when, and what self-care looks like.
- Discernment: Tune in and ask: What do I really need today? Some days, self-care is an intense workout; other days, it’s a gentle walk. You know where you will get the best return on your investment.
Together, these principles can help you build a consistent, personalized approach to self-care that actually works and evolves as you do.
Break Your Day Into Quarters
To build self-care into your days, my gentle invitation is to try thinking of your days in quarters and integrate some form of recovery or rest behaviour into each part of your day:
- Morning: What’s one simple thing you can do for yourself to set the tone for how you want your day to unfold? Perhaps it’s starting your day with gratitude, spending time outdoors before you pick up your phone, or savouring your coffee without multitasking.
- Midday: Allow your mind and body a quick reset. Stretch, go for a short walk, drink water, or eat something nourishing.
- Afternoon: Recharge by listening to a favourite song or sending a message to a friend before transitioning from work to home. If you have little ones, perhaps this is when you celebrate your reunion and have your face light up when you’re back together.
- Evening: Take five minutes to notice what went well, acknowledge even the smallest wins, and engage in an activity that prepares you for rest.
Final Thoughts
There’s a lot of noise about what self-care should look like and what we ought to be doing that it’s easy to lose sight of what actually restores us. The reality is there’s no one-size-fits-all when it comes to self-care. What restores you may not work for someone else, and that’s OK. What feels grounding and rejuvenating to you today may look different than what worked last year or even last week, and that’s also OK.
The idea here is not for self-care to be just another item on the to-do list. It’s about being intentional and finding what helps you show up feeling grounded, regulated, and resourced. It doesn’t have to be perfect or complicated.
Remember: Self-care isn’t something you have to earn. It’s something you need. And it requires consistency to get the best benefit.
You are worthy of the time and effort it takes to be well. Trust yourself to know what helps you show up well in your life and your work.
