Gray divorce refers to couples aged 50 and older ending their marriage. Researchers found that the divorce rate for this group has been the fastest growing in the U.S., doubling between 1990 and 2010, and they predicted it would increase by a third by 2030. Countries worldwide are experiencing a similar rise.
Divorce doesn’t have to be war; however, it often becomes one. Some even call it “tribal warfare,” when family members align with each parent and judge, blame, and shame the other parent. Minor and adult children may become caught in this painful dynamic and lose contact with grandparents, cousins, uncles, and aunts. Sometimes the children of the marriage refuse to see one or both parents. Estrangement can permeate the family system. Such estrangement is costly for children and their parents emotionally, mentally, and physically.
Grieving and Forgiveness
Dustin, 17, is intelligent, athletic, and successful in school. He is looking forward to college next year. Three years ago, his 52-year-old parents announced they were divorcing after 21 years of marriage. They have been fighting in court ever since. The following is a snippet from one of our therapy sessions. Dustin’s piercing blue eyes fixed on mine, and he began.
Dustin: I’m so tired of being sad and angry at my dad for the pain he’s caused me. I feel so drained. You’ve helped me learn what I need to do to move through it. I get what grieving is and why I needed to do it. I’ve been doing the grief work about my pain and losses from my parents’ divorce.
It’s also helped me that I got my wish. Finally, Dad has been going to therapy. He texted me that he is responsible for his actions that ruined my high school years in many ways. It felt freeing to hear that. I still don’t want to see him, but I’m ready to do more of the forgiveness work I’ve been learning from you.
I gave Dustin a handout with the two definitions of forgiveness developed by E. Worthington that said:
- Decisional forgiveness involves deciding to forgive and letting go of angry and resentful thoughts and feelings toward the person who wronged you.
- Emotional forgiveness involves replacing negative emotions with positive feelings like compassion, sympathy, and empathy.
Carol: “Which definition applies to you today?”
Dustin: Both apply to me because I’ve decided to let go of my angry, resentful thoughts and feelings toward Dad, and I’m willing to learn how to have positive feelings.
Carol: I agree with you. We’ll start with a process developed by the co-founder and director of the Stanford University Forgiveness Research Institute, Dr. Luskin. It involves mindfulness practice, which you learned and practiced in your grieving work. Would you be willing to read aloud what he wrote about forgiveness, his forgiveness training, and its benefits, which is in the handout I gave you last session?
Dustin: Sure.
He opened his notebook that he brought to each session and read.
- Forgiveness is not forgetting that something painful happened, denying, or minimizing your feelings, or giving up that you have feelings. Forgiveness does not mean reconciling with the one who hurt you.
- Forgiveness is for you, not the one who hurt you; taking back your power; taking responsibility for how you feel; about your healing and not about the people who hurt you; a choice; and a trainable skill. Forgiveness helps you get control over your feelings and can improve your mental and physical health.
- In careful scientific studies, forgiveness training has been shown to reduce depression, increase hopefulness, decrease anger, improve spiritual connection, increase emotional self-confidence, and help heal relationships. Learning to forgive is good for both your mental and physical well-being and your relationships.
Looking up, he added, “When I read this at home, I really liked all of it. I am ready for the next steps.”
Carol: That’s great! Next, what do you remember about Dr. Luskin’s teachings on the blocks to forgiveness, and what you wrote about yourself for each point?
He flipped to another page in his notebook.
Dustin: I’m so excited to be learning this. I’ll read out loud what he says the blocks to forgiveness are, and what I wrote about myself.
- Taking things too personally – Of course, what Dad did hurt me personally, but I’ve taken it too far as though he did it to ruin my life.
- Playing the blame game – I’ve always blamed him for ruining my life.
- Having unrealistic expectations – I thought my parents would stay married forever.
- Having unenforceable rules – I thought my parents should have stayed married, so I would not have to deal with the trauma and pain of their awful divorce.
- Creating grievance stories – I’ve repeatedly told my friends how Dad ruined my high school years.
- Having unenforceable rules – I haven’t seen Dad for three years, hoping he would hurt like he hurt me.
Carol: You have a lot of insight, Dustin. In our next session, we’ll do more exercises to help you move further through forgiveness.
If you relate to this story, it might be a good fit for you to work with a therapist who has expertise in how grieving and forgiveness can help.
Patient names and details changed to preserve confidentiality.
To find a therapist, visit the Psychology Today Therapy Directory.
Copyright 2025 Carol R. Hughes, Ph.D.
